A Contagious Smile Podcast
A Contagious Smile is a powerful platform dedicated to uplifting and empowering special needs families and survivors of domestic violence. Through heartfelt stories, we shine a light on the journeys of extraordinary individuals who have overcome unimaginable challenges. Their triumphs serve as a testament to resilience and strength, inspiring others to rediscover their own inner light. Each episode features candid interviews with survivors, advocates, and experts who provide valuable resources and insights to support those on their own paths to healing and empowerment. Join us as we celebrate the power of resilience, the beauty of shared stories, and the unstoppable spirit of those who turn adversity into hope. Let us guide you in rekindling your spirit, because every smile tells a story of courage and transformation.
A Contagious Smile Podcast
Resilience and Revelations: Navigating Family Drama, Justice System Flaws, and the Power of Community Support TRIGGER WARNING
Oh hi, Sorry, I did not realize I was bringing us in. Oh, good morning, Good afternoon, Good evening. It's Dana Diaz, if you haven't figured that out with Dr Victoria. And yeah, we're a little loopy after Christmas and all the drama. I'm sure everybody out there that's listening. You can't be a black sheep or a scapegoat without some lovely holiday drama.
Speaker 1:And you'll have to forgive. I am kind of like doing the Hugh Hefner thing today with my robe and running a little bit of a fever and I have a ear infection like a five year old, but nothing I'd rather be doing than chatting with you. Miss Victoria, how are you doing? You look good. I mean, I still than chatting with you.
Speaker 2:Miss Victoria, how are you doing? You look good.
Speaker 1:I mean, I still can't believe you had surgery just a few weeks ago.
Speaker 2:I love you. I, I know it. You know it hurts, like it is ridiculously painful, now more than ever, and I'm like I'm not doing it anymore.
Speaker 1:Don't take pain meds.
Speaker 2:I can't even even like.
Speaker 1:I pop ibuprofen like they're Tic Tacs, my God.
Speaker 2:No, I mean it's it's. I think it's more painful now than it was prior to surgery or right after surgery, like it's just. You know, it's just going to be there, I guess.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't know. I think I've had one surgery in my life and I was like three, two I know, and then giving birth. But I had three epidurals when I gave you know, birth to my son because the second I could feel something I was like, oh, I need something do you remember how long I was in labor for? No, how long were you in labor?
Speaker 2:I kept that piece of paper but I redacted the name on it for obvious reasons, and I framed it and I've hidden the frame because one day I haven't had to use it yet. One day, faith is gonna need me to say to her do you know how long I was in labor with you, like she knows, but how long was it? Eight?
Speaker 1:days.
Speaker 2:Oh lord, help me, I would have not no pain meds, no epidural, two to three minute apart contractions. My face was broken jaw, nose, shoulder hand fingers, foot, knee dislocation, blood clot in the leg, concussion, you name it. I had it. I didn't even look human and I was like I'm not taking pain meds, I don't want them to affect her. You know, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. And I had gotten the medical records from the hospital that say for one day I'm going to put it up on the wall and be like hey, it's right there.
Speaker 1:You know what? I say it all the time. You are something else. You are superhuman, you really are bionic. I don't know. I mean I'm literally like a damn baby over here with this ear infection and fever. I know my throat hurts and I'm like you know, I can't even like walk to the kitchen for water, like I'm dying over here, and you're like, oh, I got my first epidural at two centimeters because it hurt and I didn't want to feel that. I'm like literally that girl, like if you pinch me I will, I will actually cry. I mean, like, no joke, I hurt, I have zero pain.
Speaker 2:No, I told Michael. I told Michael. I said when you know, I get a little bit older because all my body parts make me underage, so you need to literally like take me through a WD-40 wash when I get older, then I guess, when I start like death becomes her.
Speaker 1:That's one of my favorite movies. I always say I'm getting to that point. Every year I, like you know my sister will send me happy birthday or whatever and I'll send her back. Like a death becomes her meme. Like wrinkle, wrinkle little star. Like I will slap that. You know what did they put on there? They were like spackling their face and spray painting and and walking all jerky and bony and dislocated. It's all good as long as I look good.
Speaker 2:I don't think you can look bad in a paper bag.
Speaker 1:This is me it's I, nobody believes me. It's the lighting. I mean literally I. I thought it was funny that here I did like I didn't do the back of my hair, but you don't need to see that. But I did the front of my hair and I did a little makeup and I was like, oh, nobody will know that I have a fever and that I'm 2.7 degrees above normal. And you know, my ear, my left ear, is like seriously, it feels like somebody has a butcher knife just stabbing it. I it hurts so bad.
Speaker 2:Are you taking any antibiotic or eardrops or?
Speaker 1:No, I can't do antibiotics because of the autoimmunity that's like poison yeah, yeah, I'm glad you know that, because I've I've been to the emergency room before and I say I cannot have antibiotics, I'm autoimmune. And then they put something in the drip, drip, drip, and then I start getting sick and people don't understand um. I know the warm compress or a hairdryer on low near your ear.
Speaker 1:Well, you know what's interesting? I know people want to hear about like narcissism and all this stuff. They don't want to hear about my cats licking my ear, but it was cute. You know, I have my baby kitties but I'm laying there with them today. They're so adorable because cats know when you're not well. And the one cat was licking my left ear like he knew and I'm like how the hell do you know? It's not like I was sitting there holding it, but it's like he. How do cats? They're literally like psychic little aliens. I don't know what it is, but it was sweet that he knew. But then I'm looking at him like can you psychically like heal it? Like is it just like it's like magical or something, or he did just lick his butt what your cat?
Speaker 1:that's probably why I have bacteria in my ear. That's probably why I have an infection. He's never licked my ear before, but now you're right, I'm questioning it because he he licks his butt. He licks his, all right. What's our first question? You know, cat feces in my ear is basically what you're saying to me very nicely. Thanks, merry Christmas to you too. I'm surprised to have your back. I'm just telling you. You know, I have my back, you have my cat's butt in my ears, which I have.
Speaker 2:I'm just telling, telling you, maybe if that stopped it would get better or it wouldn't happen at all.
Speaker 1:That's all I'm saying is that their mouth supposed to be very clean, though dogs and cats it's supposed to be.
Speaker 2:But not after they lick their bun. No, I'm just saying, I'm just I'm trying to make you feel better. It hurts, it's okay.
Speaker 1:So let's save everybody else. I'm going to Hugh Hefner my way through today, so let's do this.
Speaker 2:See, that's what I said. I said, but I'm a pity job.
Speaker 1:All right, you always have a line I do.
Speaker 2:I know it's a redhead thing. Okay, you always have a line, I do. I know it's a redhead thing. Okay, I was treated like a prized possession, constantly being told I was better than everyone else, but I couldn't shake the guilt of knowing that no one else in the family would ever be treated the same as me. I know we've had some golden child individuals reach out and let us know how they have been feeling and they have been dealing with stuff and how they feel, which is weird because a lot of times they don't even realize it, they don't recognize it, or they don't say yeah, they just don't care yeah right, because they have the benefit of everything exactly right, but apparently some of these individuals who wrote in they have a conscience.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, good, good I couldn't have a single flaw if I did. It was used as evidence that I was ungrateful for everything they had done for me. Their affection was always based on my perceived way of being their perfect child. But I mean, I'm really shocked because we've, up until recently, we really haven't seen the golden child you know come in here and talk about their experience or anything like that.
Speaker 1:Like, yeah, and I think for most of us, the golden child is more, I hate to say, being on the other end of things, being the scapegoat. Golden child is, don't want to say, the enemy, but it's, you know. Yeah, absolutely, there are nemesis in a certain way, because they're the reason they are like. At least for me, my brother, it was like the way they raised him in all the glory of everything he became was like their proof to everybody that I was the reason that I was deficient. It wasn't that they were saying I wasn't good enough, even though they were behind closed doors, but it was like, oh, we did what we could with her, but look at this perfect child of ours that we raised. So see, we are very good parents. It's just, it's her, she's the problem, and so it's nice when a golden child can be aware of the fact that they're the golden child.
Speaker 2:Yes, this one really resonated, and I'm sure it will with you as well. Whenever I need help, no one cared. I would cry out, no one listened. My sibling, on the other hand, was always a center of attention. They didn't have to beg for approval like I had. I felt like my pain didn't matter. It was just the perfect that it was just all about their perfect little world with their perfect little boy.
Speaker 1:I totally get that one yeah, I mean, you read my second book.
Speaker 1:That's pretty much, that was my childhood, after I mean, I was like almost 14, like literally almost 14 when my brother was born. But that was exactly it. I was an inconvenience because, you know I think I forget how I put it, but you know, I know, when my mother was pregnant with my brother, it was like proclaiming that Jesus was coming back to earth, like you know that the Savior is coming. You know, yeah, and it was like I didn't mean anything, like just throw me up on a cross and start throwing stones. But yeah, it's amazing how they can be their little.
Speaker 1:I mean my stepfather and you did read the book, but he, literally before my brother was born, literally said to me to my face once that child is born, you are not a part of our family anymore. He said it will be me, your mom and our baby and we will be a family and you will not be a part of it. I mean you want to talk about? I mean so some people might just feel that they were put on the outside or feel scapegoated or feel I was told it, you're not part of this thing. And, jesus Christ, I'm 49 and still trying to figure out where the hell I belong in this world. You know which. I'm starting to realize it's I belong nowhere and that's almost a good thing, and I think I want more people to feel that way, like it's okay to be on the outside, because, look, I found you and as we were just talking about, I mean I won't get into the depths of the conversation, but it's a good thing we were not raised together in the same house.
Speaker 2:That's so true.
Speaker 1:Bad things would have happened when rebellion rose up. We ain't going to take that stuff.
Speaker 2:It would have been a Thelma and Louise. That's all I'm going to say.
Speaker 1:It would have been a thelma and louise. That's all I'm gonna say it would have been bad.
Speaker 2:Yes, this one really, really shocked me. Um, and it was a boy who wrote this. I could never have one moment of peace without my sibling being angry at me. I was older and the golden child and my younger brother was the black sheep. He was completely resentful because I was always held up as the shining example of success, while he was being told he would never measure up to even carry my shadow. I hated it because I felt trapped, because no one ever looked or acknowledged the pressure I was put on. But I mean, that's the perspective of the golden child, feeling that. But the golden child this time is the older one. And see, you and I are older.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's interesting because usually it's another child Like it's like they could. I always say, like I was the horse they couldn't break. So then they had to have another one, get it, get another pony, we'll, we'll, we'll break that one, you know. But that is interesting, that it was the first child that was then look at. But you know, I brought this book up before, but that book from night, I think it was in 1991 it came out that a child called it.
Speaker 1:Oh, you know, he was the third of five children. He was the third of five children, he was the exact middle child and he was the only one of the five children that was abused, and horrifically abused at that. The other children before him, the two before him and the two after him, were not treated any differently and certainly not in any abusive way either. So it is interesting how they decide that. But that's where I think we as the black sheep come in.
Speaker 1:It comes back to what is it about us that makes us different? It's that we are not playing along in the role that they have decided we should play. We're the ones that are saying no, I see you who you are, and I mean there are even a lot of people, spiritual people out there that say that there is something about your energy that irritates other people's energy Like they can. It makes it disturbs their peace when you're around, because they know that you're this person that sees through their crap. So, whatever it is, it's just sad but I do appreciate.
Speaker 1:Thank you, whoever that was that wrote in as the golden child definitely an interesting perspective, being the first child, but I do love that this person had a conscience, cause I think I had mentioned that I'm not even on this podcast, but with you. Once we were talking about somebody or some situation and I had said I wonder if there were any golden children that ever thought that they were like pressured or felt bad about how they were treated and how they would handle that, because I think some of them maybe don't want to have that role in the family and they want to just be their own person and be able to just live like everybody else. Because there's definitely strings, that there's a lot of strings that come attached to that role and, god forbid, if you break them, you're you're just going to destroy the whole family system, which isn't a bad thing, but you know that's true very very true.
Speaker 2:so I was a twin. I say was because I no longer have contact with my brother or my family. Let me explain. I was the one who had to take the blame for everything. My brother was popular, I was not. I don't understand, because you could never tell us apart. We looked ideally the exact same in every which way, all the way down to our mannerisms. If something went wrong, it was always on me. My sibling could do nothing wrong, no matter what. One night, when my parents were asleep, my brother took out the family car with some of his friends and robbed a store. When he was caught that night, he had not taken any of his own ID. He took mine. We were let go on our own recognizance. We were let go into the custody of our parents. My parents knew that it wasn't me, but when it was time to go to court, my parents threatened me if I didn't take the rap and go to jail for my brother's actions. I was a minor. Nobody would listen, nobody wanted to hear me.
Speaker 2:No one wanted to hear. I'm sorry, I was a minor. No one wanted to listen and no one wanted to hear me on what I had to say about the fact that it was not me. I was the one home. But it's kind of hard to convince a courtroom or a judge when your own parents are in court testifying against you. They said to me before we entered the courthouse that my brother had such a bright future ahead of him and the possibility of this would tear it all apart. But since they knew I was going nowhere, that the right thing that I could do for the first time in my whole life would be take this one for the team and go to jail for my brother. I went to jail due to my parents' testimony. Oh my God, holy crap, holy crap. I don't think I've ever read something that bad Like that is. That's a whole different level. How do you tell the court that your twin son did it when he was home in bed?
Speaker 1:Honestly, that's I'm speech. I'm not saying anything because that is so something my mother and stepfather would have done.
Speaker 2:And they've done some things.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they've done some things to me that you know I think I've shared that very few parents would do. That is something they would have done and it makes me sick to think that I don't know. The whole thing makes me sick. But this is an example of exactly why I appreciate the previous story another golden child being very aware and feeling badly about the position they were put in because this twin that got away with this obviously knew he was going to get away with it and the parents are in on it. And when you have that kind of sense of entitlement I mean that's the basis of narcissism is when somebody feels that entitled, they start taking advantage. And I mean we all know you and I both know very well and I'm sure a lot of people out there oh, narcissists some get to the point many of them the malignant ones where they think they're above the damn law.
Speaker 1:And they actually are, because they get away with crap and they figure it out and they have people enabling them to do so. So, yeah, it makes me sick and whoever that is. I'm so sorry that you went through that. But I'm glad that you know who you are and that you differentiate yourself from this person who looks and acts and has all your mannerisms and everything, because you know what. That's not your family. I think we.
Speaker 1:Part of our pain as the black sheep, as the scapegoat, is that it's this grief that our family of origin, our biological family, does not accept us or that we don't fit into it. But I think there's such a liberation that comes when you realize that blood is blood and you can bleed out and die, where you can go, take your blood somewhere else, because there's plenty of other people in this world that will love you and care about you and accept you and where you will fit right in exactly where you're supposed to. Um, but it's so sad. I mean you know, I think I mean you and I always feel we're definitely sisters at heart, but gosh, it would have been so much fun to be twins, like you and I would have had a blast. Oh.
Speaker 2:Oh, my God.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we would have been hellions, though, I have a feeling. But but gosh, what a terrible thing. I mean I know you have, you know, no contact with family. I have no contact with family. My brother, that brother from my mother's stepfather, you know, drank the Kool and you know it's. It's hard, it's really hard. And then you're, you have to go to jail.
Speaker 2:Well, not by reading the words that was written. He didn't say juvenile, he said jail. So I'm guessing and I and if I'm wrong I apologize immensely. But when he didn't say juvenile, I mean, he was very detailed in the message yeah that it he was maybe charged as an adult, um, because he had to be at least 16, that they were driving and there was a driver's at least 16.
Speaker 1:But remember, some high school seniors have already turned 18 during their senior year. So it could have been they were still living at home, but they were in their last year of high school.
Speaker 1:But if you're're 18, you know and over you are an adult and you'll be tried as an adult, which is actually a shame, although, you know, take it from me when, when jail isn't an option and you're under 18, you, you go places, you, I don't know, jail jail might've been better than where I had to go. So, you know, it just sucks either way. It sucks, you know, and it's funny, because I always think it's interesting that it's usually the people like us that are punished and that have to, you know, pay the price for it. We are the ones that are so fully aware. We are the ones telling the truth. We are the ones that see everything for what it is and we try to tell people, but people don't want to believe it. People don't want to believe stuff that's right in front of them, because it's just easier to think you must be the problem, that's it. We have enough evidence to pin you as the problem. So we're just going to go with that, so we don't have to put any more effort. But how many children? I mean, we've talked about it many times before.
Speaker 1:No-transcript. I just I don't have the answers. I had somebody once ask me in an interview well, what's the answer? Well, hell, if I had it, believe me, it would be enacted. But I don't know what the answer is.
Speaker 1:I just I guess I like to. I would like to think, in an ideal world, that we would err on the side of caution. If they're twins and you have one saying he didn't do it and the parents saying that put both their asses in jail, how about that? I mean, I'm not saying that's fair to this twin that didn't do it. Okay, a dna? Yeah, that's an obvious one. You're a doctor, you would think of that. The thing is throwing everybody in jail the parents.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we're like no, it was him, it was. You know, that's correct, it's him. You know it's not just that, but you know. But the boy was like head spinning beetlejuice with the whole. My own parents are up here saying it was me. And if he's a felon that changes his whole course of life like he can't get certain jobs, he can't do things, you know 100 what happens to to the other one who probably, more than likely maybe, did some other kind of felony down the road.
Speaker 1:Oh, absolutely he did and he's going to continue to because he got away with it right and that's that's. The thing is that you're going to have a repeat offender. I mean I even. You're lucky you have a teenage girl. But I mean, honestly, when I was, you know, my son hit about 14, 15, I had some other mom friends at school there. Oh, my daughter's, you know of that age. If she comes home pregnant and all these things, I'm like I wish I had it. Well, I didn't want, I wouldn't want a teenage daughter. The hormones I might kill her before she kills me. But I'm like I wish that I had to worry about a daughter being pregnant, because as the mother of a teenage boy, it's the same thing I said, my biggest worry and my fear.
Speaker 1:Any little girl out there, anyone, even if he never even met her, could point to him and say he raped me and I live in a small town. Forget DNA, forget anything. Everybody will be in the rumor mill and he will be a rapist. There goes job and God forbid. If, if they were sexually intimate and and somebody says a boy raped them, then you know you do have evidence of that sexual intimacy. Can he get a job, can he? Even I've seen kids not get to go to school, to college afterward, or have scholarships revoked and it ruins their lives.
Speaker 1:And it's not to dismiss the fact that rape occurs, but even in situations like this, you, I mean the fact that these parents are willing to ruin the life of one of their children and not the other one, knowing full well which one of them did and didn't do it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's a level of scapegoat child that I mean. I, I know some of the low levels, as you do, but gosh darn, it just sickens me that there's these people out there. And you know, I tell my son every day I'm like you go out, you pass people by on the road, you go to the gas station, you go to wherever you go, walmart, you're passing by people and God knows what these people have done. I wish I was sitting on the judgment panel up there, down there, wherever, seeing people that I know, that I think are pristine and perfect and have wonderful lives. I'd love to know the crap they've gotten away with, because telling you the stuff that's going on that we don't know about. That's why I love this, that we can have this community where we can all come and expose all the stuff that really is going on in the world well, I want to take one second because I reached out to this gentleman.
Speaker 2:We're in the beginning of having a conversation. I would absolutely love to have him come on this show. Um, he is a convicted felon. He was a drug dealer, um, but he never. He said I never sold to children. I really was selling to gangs. Okay, he said I did my time. I understand. And he said but I don't care who you are. If you're a woman or a child and I find out somebody has assaulted you or sexually assaulted you in any way, I would go back to jail because that's just you know the right thing to do so I reached out to him and said oh my god, I would love to have you on.
Speaker 2:He told a story and I have a hard time because what I went through and how the law enforcement was not on my side. They normally are not. Most time the victims at the time are incarcerated, more frequently than the attacker or abuser are. They get away with it Like they literally get away with murder. He had a video out and I'll only give a little bit of it and then I'll see if he'll let me tag it where.
Speaker 2:Dana, you're going to be shocked. You're going to be like yes, we need to get this guy on. He was serving his time. He was nine months in and he gets told that there is a just horrific thing. I don't even want to say a man in the pods with them and they're not under this thing is not under protective custody. Well, they're real badasses when they want to go and you know they molest a child and pedophilia and all that. And then when they goes, when they want to go and you know they molest a child and pedophilia and all that, and then when they go to jail, they want to be under protective custody or in a totally different way, in a different place. They want to be in solitary because the other inmates will hurt them, because, yes, you don't mess with children like you, just don't.
Speaker 2:And so this guy found out that there was a rapist um along the mix and he started talking to other people and a lot of people might judge me for this, but if you have a child or you've been through this yourself and you've been assaulted in any way, just bear with me.
Speaker 2:Because what happened was he found out this guy had a 30-year stint for his crimes. This guy raped and assaulted this little girl, starting at the age of six until 11, five years. It was his friend's little sister. Okay, for five years it came out that he raped like it's allegedly he was found guilty, but I'll still say allegedly over 100 times he raped this girl Not the guy I want on the show, a prisoner in the pod. So when they found out about this, they wanted to give justice where justice was due, and so he initiated a payback to this creature for what he did to this little girl and he did it, and let's just say not that long after they found that subject deceased in jail and he was furious and he says I cannot believe that a rapist who raped a little girl for over five years, over 100 times, he only got seven years in jail.
Speaker 1:That was his sentence. I believe it.
Speaker 2:He says I had 30 for drugs, not to children. You know I'm doing it, I know I own what I did. He gets seven years five for good behavior If he gets out and he goes right back out and does it again. Are you serious? And he was like he's not coming out. He's not coming out and hurting anybody else. And that's who you want in the court system Because, I'm sorry, you know there's white color crimes there's. You want in the court system because, I'm sorry, you know there's white color crimes there's. You know there's all sorts of things, but criminal acts against children specifically to me. I would never be picked for jury duty.
Speaker 2:be like oh, he hurt a child, hang him you know, I agree, you I agree, but I think castrate I think anything.
Speaker 1:I don't mean even take the child out of it. If you cause intentional harm to another human being, to me that's it. That's done. Drug dealing to me. Forgive me if there's people out there. I'm Christian, I'm a moral human being, but if you come to me and you want to buy drugs, that's your choice. You're a grown person. It's just the same as you going to the bar and asking for a damn drink. So I don't blame the drug dealers. They're trying to figure out a way to live life just like strippers on the pole. I actually think they're very talented some of them, and good for them that they can make the money they're making. But I don't see that even as being a punishable crime. I think it's stupid. You know, unless you are actually taking the needle and sticking it in somebody's arm, why the hell are you having to serve time? But yes, I have seen over and over people that are actually harming other people and doing terrible things in this world.
Speaker 2:People were up in arms about the fact that in Alabama they chemically castrate now and they're like that takes away his right. I want to know what about the right of their victim? That child never gets over it, because you know what, when you're sexually assaulted and I'm here to tell you personally because my ex-husband did part of you gets murdered that night. But you are living with that for the rest of your life. It doesn't grow into forgiveness. It doesn't grow into you know forgiveness. It doesn't grow into something you forget about and put it on a bookshelf and then you're like okay, I dealt with it, it's over, I'll never think about it again, I'll never be triggered Bull crap, you will.
Speaker 2:And for somebody to say it's inhumane to castrate, are you serious?
Speaker 2:Put them on a deserted island, somebody with a whole bunch of other ones, just like them, because to say that it's inhumane just like lethal injection is inhumane. I'm sorry, when you viciously rape and attack or you know, whatever you do to your quote-unquote victim and you kill them, was it silently putting them to sleep? Did they die? No, they didn't deserve to die. They didn't deserve you know the punishment that you put on them, but yet you want to bitch and complain about how you're going to get your last meal and have steak and potatoes or whatever you choose, and you have free insurance and education and you get congregational visits, probably one way or another, and you do all of these things for years and years and years and years. But these people might not get to go to their own wedding or watch their child get married or any of these other you know, see their grandkids and they go through vicious, hellacious pain. That is inhumane. And you want to bitch about being put to sleep? I have such an issue with that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you don't have to tell me. I started at DePaul pre law. I was originally going to become a lawyer and basically serve justice like hand justice to everybody, back with their frickin asses. And I wrote a paper and I was asked to stay after class because in this paper that my professor didn't like it very much Because I said that I think that it's ridiculous that we are exactly what you said, providing these criminals who have done these heinous crimes, that to me you are not going to rehabilitate them.
Speaker 1:Somebody is not suddenly going to come to Jesus and walk the straight and narrow after they've robbed liquor stores 10 freaking times over, raped this one, committed assault, you know, illegal. When they got a rap sheet like that, I said I said send them to the chair. But I said even better, eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth. I kind of like that idea, I love that idea and I said this would not just help our society by eliminating these people, which sounds a little Hitler-ish and I apologize, I don't know, but it's how I feel. But I said it also helps our economy, because I'll be damned if my tax dollars should go to pay for these criminals to eat and have cable TV and free Where's my free medical.
Speaker 1:Where's my free medical? Do you know how much that we pay for medical insurance, Me and my husband being self-employed, and I can't even go to the God excuse me the goddamn doctor without paying up the freaking a-hole Right? So I just don't and I'm sickly, I'm chronically ill and have issues and I can't go to the damn doctor but these criminals can go into. I mean now I understand my dad, being a Chicago cop. He has told us many times there are a lot of criminals, at least in Chicago, that repeat their history because they need shelter and they need food and they can't get jobs with the rap sheets.
Speaker 1:They have, so it's easier for them to go to jail and live off our damn dime. And I don't mean to offend anybody that might be of a different political affiliation, but you know, at some point people need to pay the consequences of their actions. And being a criminal so that you can live and have the benefits of life like food and shelter, should not be the answer. But for those that aren't even doing it, for that, that just it's like a power trip that they get and that's what makes most abusers narcissistic.
Speaker 1:I would argue that anyone who abuses anyone in any way is a narcissist, because your needs are more important than that person. Your need to penetrate that six-year-old little girl for five years is more important than her well-being, because I'm going to say this too, and I dare say it as somebody who was physically little girl for five years is more important than her wellbeing, because I'm going to say this too, and I dare say it as somebody who was physically abused as a child and I know that you have been through. Hell is not even the word physically, but the physical stuff it heals.
Speaker 1:You can fix it. It might not work the same, might not be the same, but the emotional impact of the betrayal, if nothing else, of people who say they love you and do these terrible things to you, the mind fuck that's associated with this, that stays with it. It impacts your relationships, the way you live, the way you think. It actually changes the chemicals and the development of your brain and how you react, and I mean that's where the life changing stuff is Like to me. Forgive me, I know that and I don't mean to offend anybody, but, believe me, I've had hands around my neck, I've had, I've been beat to shit, but I don't even care. That doesn't even bother me. The emotional stuff, though knowing that some, to know somebody hates you that much to want you dead, and never mind that person's your mother or your husband or, yeah, that's sick. And if you're six years old and some man, that's not even it's just, it's not really just that dana.
Speaker 2:It's the fact that like, for instance, you turn around, you go to jail, you're gonna be around other pedophiles, you're gonna learn other things. And I've had a pedophile on the show, yeah and oh, he won't come back on, no matter how much. I've had one twice. And he I got, he ran off like and he now advocates for pedophilia. But the thing is I was like what? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh yeah. And he killed his assailant, the one who sexually assaulted him. He killed him. Um, after years and years of sexual assault, he killed him. But now he comes out and he's, he advocates for pedophilia.
Speaker 2:And I asked him I said what would you do if your child Was sexually assaulted by a pedophile? And he said I would help the pedophile. And I said you just sexually assaulted your child all over again because you would help the person who assaulted your child and your child would see that then you're assaulting your child all over again. And he was like well, you know, some people stop it. You know child pornography pictures and things like that. Well, let me tell you, child pornography is horrible because you're, you're having a child pose for these pictures and sometimes, yes, acts are not done physically onto them, but psychologically they are. Because you know, know, no matter what the age we'll say four or five, six, 10, 12, whatever they are like. I don't think I'm supposed to be posing like this at this age. And then why are you taking a picture of me and I'm not comfortable and my body is mine and you're showing it to people. That is sick. That is sick. I don't care what excuse you give. It is sick, don. That is sick. I don't care what excuse you give. It is sick. Don't tell me it's. You know, it's a medically chemical imbalance, blah, blah. Because if it is, you can go to the island with the others, like, we'll put you on your own island with the rest of them. Because if you think it's all here, why do you scream and cry and I have no problem taking my filter off and act like a little bitch baby when you go to jail? Because you don't want to be in there with the big boys, because you're afraid of retaliation?
Speaker 2:How do you think those kids felt? Now? You know how they felt. Put every one of them in general, pop and walk away. I'm sorry.
Speaker 2:They need to know exactly how it felt, what they did to the others. You know, offer them an extra hamburger, a couple extra minutes on the iPod or tablet or whatever, because those kids are never going to have resolution. Those kids are never going to feel safe and as they're growing up they're constantly going to be watching over their shoulder. They're going to constantly wonder the what ifs. They're going to wonder in every relationship, even when they're young. And then they become teenagers and they have their first relationship. Watch them freak out the first time you try to take a picture with them, because they don't know what you're going to do with it and it scares them. And that is not fair for a child to live in that life, because it's not fair. They feel trapped in their own hell. They feel trapped in their own being because of some disgusting issue that someone else has. That is just not okay. It's not okay and you know what. That needs to be on the forefront of what this country needs to do to be fixed right freaking now.
Speaker 1:There's a lot of things that need to be fixed, but absolutely, I mean there's no doubt and somebody that can actually advocate for that. I honestly try not to hold judgment against people and I like you're into butts, you're into kids. I mean I think it's wrong, but like I can't control what gets you going. But if you think it's okay to actually involve a child in I don't know, but yeah it. There's so much to it I wouldn't even know where to start, but there's obviously.
Speaker 1:I mean it's funny to me when people say, like suicide is a mental health issue. I'm like no, it's a people or a-holes issue. That's the problem that somebody doesn't want to deal with the pain of people anymore, that they would rather be dead, that they would rather be dead, but something like you think it's okay to participate in anything regarding child pornography, whether you're taking the picture or jacking off to it. That to me, is a mental health issue. I mean that goes beyond immoral to me, that something's not wired right. I can't tell you you can get off on a goat, whatever, but I to to harm a child in the process of getting your sexual uh, to get off, there's no way, to say it politely, it's disgusting. Yeah, it's disgusting. I don't even know what to say, though.
Speaker 1:But this I think it's not just this country, though I know that you have talked to people too. I've talked to people like the UK, and Australia are actually coming a little, not much, but they're acknowledging abuses beyond the black eye and the gunshots and the physical stuff they're starting to, but we are so far behind and it's so far off the radar right now. I mean, I'm not even sure who the hell our president is at this actual given moment, and we're on the brink of World War III, and the Vatican's opening doors to Lucifer's tomb and opening portals, and drones are flying in the sky, and there's military looking for nuclear submarines and Jesus freaking Louises, I'm just going to hide with my cats in the damn basement here and just wait for this world to end and honestly, all joking aside, I am a Christian.
Speaker 1:I am starting to actually buy into some. I'm totally going off tangent. But you know, I see people on social media that are like these are the end times. God, just like Noah, came with the ark and washed away all the BS. It's time and I'm like you know what. Maybe it is, maybe it is. So. Lord, spare me. Hopefully I go in the rapture. If I don't, well, like I said, I'll be in the basement with my cats eating cheese sticks or something. But, lord, help me. We need to. We need to, like, take that magic eraser and just start shaking it and starting over, because this is not working.
Speaker 2:No, our laws need to get so much tougher. There's been two people that I know of in the last week not know them, but know of that were burnt alive in New York subway. Like oh my God and I saw the video and the cop is standing there watching this guy burn alive. And he's like standing there and I is he afraid to get burnt? Is he afraid? You know what? What the hell are you doing watching this guy burn alive? I mean you know. And then the guy walks off who did it? Just stands there and walks off like oh, I watched him, you know, and it's just, what are you going to do? Is he going to get 30 days in jail? I mean, what's his sentence going to be?
Speaker 1:You know it's not the thing, and we're talking about them.
Speaker 2:No that's the thing.
Speaker 1:And that's why we have to stick together All of us that are listening, and here on the show and beyond, because this world is, honestly, it was a scary place before, but now it's's like it's getting worse and more is being out, and god forbid that we go into. You know what do they call it? I forget what they call it, the, the milit, when they do like civil law or military law oh, I could have just told you.
Speaker 1:I do not say I know it's on the tip of my tongue and you would think I know this because I have all this military and policemen in my family, but you know what I I mean, like I mean, we are actually martial law, thank you. I was thinking militia martial, but yeah, we're living in scary times but sadly for some of us, the scariness is like literally in our fricking house, sleeping in the next room, eating across the table from us in the kitchen and and I, we were talking about this before we came on. But that's the part that I have always struggled with the most is that other people see it, they see it, they witness it. Even my own mother when I was a kid, it would be happening two fricking feet away from her and she would just look out the window and wash her dishes Like it was just another fricking Sunday afternoon, even though I'm screaming, begging for her to help me as I'm being physically assaulted.
Speaker 1:I don't understand this world, but you can't. I mean, I don't want people not to trust anybody, but you can't trust anybody. So we need to stick together or at least, if nothing else, be aware. So that's why we do this is just to make people aware and to make people aware that it's okay. You don't have to, you don't have to be a part of your family. You don't have to be able to go along with crap just because somebody is threatening you or bullying you. God forbid if it's your parent or your brother or whoever. You got to be your own person and say this is not okay. I have boundaries. I have respect.
Speaker 2:I love myself enough not to submit myself to this crap right, and I have to tell you, dana, I have cussed out your mom. I was reading it. When I was reading, I was, oh, I, I had to repent some of my language, but I'm just saying like you know, and cursed her out because I, you know, I was like, I know you know, I know you hear her get your stupidly.
Speaker 1:I mean, I just well, I appreciate that, but it's because you love me and it's an interesting thing. Like my husband, at first I was like he. He started to read my second book and I mean, he's married to me, he obviously knows probably most of everything, but um, he's married to me, he obviously knows probably most of everything, but um, he's still not, he just can't. And every time he tries to read it he's like I just he's, you know, kind of like how you've been saying he's actually said he's like if I keep reading it I'm going to go to jail and I'm like, but the thing is, is it's funny because people that know me that read the book, that's their response.
Speaker 1:And most of them had had to stop at chapter three and be like God, you're like three years old and I can't even read past this. And I know you and you're alive and you're OK. But like I, that it's hard. But I felt like the book was too intense but at the same time I'm like it's what it was. Yeah, so many people in this world don't understand. And and the kicker of it, the kicker of it I didn't even want to publish this book because I told the publisher I know, I know personally people who were abused so much worse.
Speaker 2:but it's so much worse.
Speaker 1:Like what makes my story? Why would anyone read it? But then when I see the response, I'm like, well, thank God, because my story wasn't that bad, and think of all the other kids that are out there living in worse I mean a child, call it. That was like horrific, horrific, and and like that story from was it the last podcast or the two podcasts ago that you were sharing with us about that young woman who had been burnt after she was sexually assaulted I mean, oh my god. But the thing is is that people are doing this and they're walking the streets, they are are living life really well. You know, we have a twin going to jail because his family decided it was the best thing for his brother not to have to suffer consequences. There is some crazy. We are literally living in the damn upside down. I don't know what the hell is going on, but we got to watch out for each other and we got to keep our eyes open and watch our own backs.
Speaker 2:Yeah, when I got to that point I'm glad you mentioned that on chapter three, because when I got to that part I literally I put it down and then I was like, okay, but I know her, I love her and she is family to me and I want to see what made her who she is today, like I want to see, through the window of her eyes and her soul, what she endured, that made her who she is, because what we've gone through you can either let it make you or break you, and it made you, and so I wanted to see all of the things you endured and triumphed through and it made me gain so much even more respect. That was possible for you because nobody should go through that, and it was with that mentality much even more respect. That was possible for you because nobody should go through that, and it was with that mentality that I could read it, because I did have to put it down because it is hard and but you do it and I look at you now and you are making such a difference in so many people's lives, even if it was one person and it's never a competition, nobody should ever have to go through this, and if our voice is reaching as many people as I mean. We are in the top. This podcast show is in the top three percent globally, thanks to everyone who listens and shares and likes and tells people about it, because it is a huge, it's an epidemic.
Speaker 2:That's what I was looking for. It's an epidemic that nobody wants to a confront or b talk about, and we will. We have no problem telling it like it is and the fact that people can feel that not only do we empathize, but we sympathize, we understand, we can go through it with you because we've understood and we've been there, and between her and I, I think we've got basically everything covered. We've been through everything you could. We've understood and we've been there, and between her and I, I think we've got basically everything covered. We've been through everything.
Speaker 1:We have been through everything, but the worst part of it is and I think that's another big thing I have a problem with is that the fact that we have so much, such a huge response to this podcast because, yeah, epidemic is an understatement and the fact that people are getting away with it, and the fact that everybody just wants to brush it under the rug like it's not even happening Because, like I said, my, my circumstances weren't even that bad. I don't think I'm special. I don't think there is something about me that like, oh, look at me, I'm so brave and I triumphed. I was surviving, just like you. I don't know how you survived what your ex did to you. I have no clue how your little girl is here on this earth at all, honestly, after what he did to you and her in your womb, but these are people walking around freely. Yes, my mother, my stepfather, your ex, my ex.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and you know I wanted to tell you that I want to thank everybody for a moment because I got to go back and see where I got that statistic that you know there is different apps out there that lets you know when your podcast has a new episode that comes out, and one of them let me know that over 3 000 people have us set as their number one favorite show wow wow, and that's just number one favorite show.
Speaker 2:I mean, we're still in the top three percent globally, but we're saying that whenever one of these drop, it instantly lets them know. And 3000 different people have saved us as their absolute number one favorite.
Speaker 1:Well, thank you for everybody that is subscribing to that and and that even listens to anything we have to say, because, honestly, this has nothing to do with us. Like I said, I'm no, I'm not special. I think you're. I think you're special, victoria, but you know. But the thing is is that we're just not afraid anymore because when you are, when you are in the position that we are in, where you have opened your mouth and tried to stand up for yourself, and you get basically exiled and banished from every family you've ever belonged to. You know, it's funny.
Speaker 1:My husband is into politics and we were taught he was talking about Putin and how dangerous Putin is, and I said, yeah, but when you have nothing to lose, you are a very dangerous person, and that is how I feel with us. And I'm not trying to be dangerous but controversial, maybe because you know what. There is nothing I'm afraid to talk about, just as there is nothing that you're not going to shy away from, Victoria. We are here to expose it all because it needs to be talked about, because there are people out there that are still in these situations, that can't speak up because they're afraid of the consequences, because some people are still in the concept. You know they might be killed if they ever even thought to speak up about the situation they're in. So that is what we're here for. We're here to just let you know, yeah, we've been through it, we got it, and it's not okay, but we have to let you know what it is and help you understand it better. And what you do with the information is up to you. But we're glad that you listen and we're glad that we have each other.
Speaker 1:I mean, it's funny that we have millions of people listen. But I feel like I feel like there's this bond, like I see myself like when we're on, like we're all just kind of sitting in a big circle singing Kumbaya, like we got each other and like if anybody were ever to message me and say I listened to your podcast and this happened to me, my God, I might fly somewhere and shank somebody that deserved it. I'm not sure, I don't know if I have it in me, but I'm one of those people. But I think if I got fired up enough, like you said, if it was a small child, god knows. You and I, yeah, we're dangerous. You know it's like. Thank you honestly for everybody who's listening. We do appreciate you.
Speaker 2:Right, and you know. The thing is that if you get little nuggets from every show how to handle things or a situation, or how to make yourself safer until you can get out you know we need to focus a couple of episodes on how to get a fresh start, how to, you know, come back out Once you first leave and how to start reinventing yourself. We need to do that at some point.
Speaker 1:We should, because, can I tell you, I made a video. It was probably two or three weeks ago. I had been meaning to do it for a while. I did a video on preparing, you know, for getting out of an abusive situation. Tick tock pulled it. I don't even think it was on for two minutes and they pulled it and I was like, Wow, look at me being controversial, not trying to help people. Yeah, I love how they mediate things. So you know, it's interesting. Yeah, yeah, it's insane.
Speaker 2:When I went for my original TPO I had a advocate for domestic violence with me and she was so sweet and like I was sitting there and what my back was to the courtroom doors and this was the one time my sperm donor was with me.
Speaker 2:The one and I looked over and I had my advocate beside me and then I had my sperm donor on the other side and I went he's here, and they said what? And my advocate goes when you are victimized so badly, you sense them, you know when they're there, you know when they're not, oh yeah.
Speaker 2:And my sperm donor was like she doesn't know what she's talking about. He's not here. What is she talking about? Two seconds later, opens the door, walks in and she looked over at my sperm donor and said I'm gonna tell you this. I've been doing this for 30 years. She said I'm telling you, from everything I've seen that your daughter's presented and everything I've read that she's presented, he is that one that will come back and kill her, because that's how sick this man is. He will come back and try to kill her. And what does my sperm donor do? Oh, that's right.
Speaker 2:He took him on vacation after that. That's right. How did I forget? Yeah, that's right. He took him on vacation after that, that's right. How did I forget? Yeah?
Speaker 1:so we're gonna do one more and then we're gonna make miss dana go rest because oh no, it's okay, I'm not resting, but gizmo has joined us, so don't lick her ear no, it was turbo licking my ear. Don't like my ear after the infection. It's like he knew it was infected it's okay, this one's purring and they say purring's magical.
Speaker 1:But you know what I feel I'm sorry, I know you're reading another question, but I'm just thinking about that that they took him on a vacation after it. This shows how screwed up people are, because when, after the second attempt that my ex made to kill me, I reached out, I, I, I had to go to court for it. They denied me an emergency order of protection because they didn't see that. You know that I was really in danger. Oh, I don't know, after two incidents, you know why not.
Speaker 1:But for the third court appearance they said bring in any witnesses that could testify to any you know violent behavior that he's exhibited in the past. Well, my mother had actually witnessed a few things and, even though we were estranged, I reached out to her and explained you know, he, he, I. I have texts, I have emails. I have another witness, he, he is planning to kill me, he has made attempts. I have this court emails. I have another witness, he is planning to kill me, he has made attempts.
Speaker 1:I have this court date. I need to, you know, relate everything. And I said you know, you witnessed this, this and this. You know I understand that we have no relationship, but this is my life on the line. I am literally begging you if you could please, on this date, at this time, come to court and testify to his character. And she said no. She said no, my mother, we don't want to get involved. But yet, just a few months ago, yeah, I found out he was over there at their house, my ex, having a nice little chat or dinner, or something Uneffing, believable.
Speaker 2:We were in the hospital, in the ICU. I was in the ICU with Faith when this was happening.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there's no bigger F you in life than when your own parents don't even care if you're dead or alive. So that's a tough one. But yeah, I'd be curious to know if anyone else has ever experienced anything. So I mean it sounds so absurd. And even when I've shared this with people, I know. But when you share things, I mean it's not like we walk around talking about this stuff, but when it has come up and I've shared here, oh, that's not, you must have misinterpreted. Uh no, I have it in a text. I reread it about 10 times trying to go through my head. Like this woman literally does not want to help me, like live, I can't wrap my head around this. So, like this is not misinterpreting. But you know, it's just interesting that that is how self-absorbed these people are. They don't even care about your life, your kid, your daughter's life, anybody. They don't freaking care about anyone but themselves.
Speaker 2:The one that and this isn't. I don't think I even put this in the book. I had gotten a phone call in the NICU and the nurses transferred it over and said it's some I don't remember the name of it Insurance agency. And I was like what? And they said they said that's imperative. They talked to you and I'm like so I get on the phone and they're like, oh, we're so sorry for your loss. And I'm like what did I lose? And they said, well, we're calling on behalf of your husband and we need verification to do the forms. I'm like, what forms? And they said, oh, for the death of your daughter. And I'm like I'm looking at her.
Speaker 1:Did he have a life insurance?
Speaker 2:policy. He had three different life insurances on her.
Speaker 1:I literally just got chills. I don't mean to interrupt you, but I literally have full body chills. I mean, we already knew he was a pos, but oh, my effing god yeah, and I, I didn't put this in the book my god faith.
Speaker 2:Ever read that? Um, but yeah, they were like we need verification, we need to know the time of death, we need the death certificate. And I was like I'm around a bunch of kids in the NICU and I'm like I said I say this respectfully, have you lost your effing mind? I said I am, why would I be in a hospital if my child was passed on?
Speaker 1:And I was like I'm looking at her and I was like, well, because he knew Right, he's such an arrogant piece of crap he figured he did do away with her. He thought oh, look at me, look at me. I did such a good job, accomplished my goal and Victoria's up in that hospital.
Speaker 2:You know he tried to put her here last and I was like he did her trick until she stopped breathing and then put a gun to my head and I was like so that's how we're here this time. So is she deceased? No, and I was like don't you ever. And I said you better cancel the policy. Because and they were like well, he also put he was the sole beneficiary and didn't even list you. And I was like, are you kidding me?
Speaker 1:can they do that? He did he because I was supposed to be dead too well, I understand that, I mean, but I, I, I don't know. I guess he only listed himself we need. So now we have to redo our whole criminal justice system and the insurance, right? No, I'm not meaning to make light of this, it's just astonishing to me. Yeah, I mean, I've seen enough 48 hours episodes that I see people pull life insurance on their spouse or whatever.
Speaker 2:But a baby.
Speaker 1:I just, shouldn't that be illegal to do that without somebody's signature or, if it's a minor, without the signature of both legal guardians or parents? I don't understand.
Speaker 2:I think one of them was through the military. I'm not 100%. But he got three individual policies. But if they're under a certain amount of money I don't think you have to verify that. But there are newborn kids. That's why I mean, most time they don't think anything's gonna happen. And so he signed everything. And I don't know if he said I was incapacitated because I was in the hospital. I don't know what he said. There's no telling what he said, but he had three different policies because I called and said I'm mom and then I sent court papers saying I have sole custody, I have all decision making rights. I want copies of this document. You're asking me for information. I want to see. And so I took all of it to court.
Speaker 1:And there should be some legal requirement that if somebody takes, at least with minor children, if somebody takes a policy out of any kind on a minor child, that the legal guardians, be it the parents or whoever, be informed. I mean you can't, if your credit is run, the credit company has you know. Transunion sends you a thing saying we ran your credit. I mean, why is it that somebody can just take out a policy without your knowledge?
Speaker 2:I don't know, gerber, you know, sends you stuff when you have a baby yeah, yeah, we send you the possibility of life insurance. You know, pay a couple dollars a month and you get life insurance, whatever. So I'm guessing you know this was kind of a thing, but he, he was going to try and bank off of this.
Speaker 1:That makes me sick. I mean, yeah, I get it and I've had that happen. But, lord, you know, and that's exactly why it's interesting you bring that up, because I know that when I was preparing part of my preparation to leave my ex, I was like, okay, he's planning to kill me. I have verification of this in writing verbally from my neighbor. Like all this, I took my life insurance, my bank accounts, anything I had, that there should be a beneficiary assigned. I changed it to my son being the sole beneficiary. He was a minor, so I had to assign him, I forget, a trustee or whatever.
Speaker 1:So I had somebody, one of the very few people I totally trust in this world that I've known her 30 years. We go way back. I asked her, told her the situation. She said so I legally, I mean it took a few days to put this all, but I thought you know what, let him, let him do what he's going to do to me thinking he's going to get a payout, because I'm sure he did, and and let him laugh.
Speaker 1:I will be laughing all the way down six feet under, because there's no way he's going to get a penny, not a damn penny. And even you know my son would have had to wait until he was 18. Damn penny, and even you know, my son would have had to wait till he was 18. But even then I had assigned, I had opened up an annuity so that all the money would go into the annuity and he wouldn't even get like a lump sum or anything that my ex could take. But I was like I'll be damned if that mfr is gonna get a damn penny, if he thinks he's gonna kill me. I would have almost been fine being killed just to see the look on his face when he found out he wasn't getting shit.
Speaker 2:Yeah, these people are unbelievable yeah, we need to do an episode where we talk about you know safety plans, how they can you know? Because we haven't talked about how you can get out, and yeah, survive and and yeah, and there's aspects that you have talked about.
Speaker 1:That I am not privy to and for me it was more like the, the paperwork and things and you know, certain things getting in order. But yeah, I think we could definitely put together a nice episode for anybody that is thinking about it, because some people, really you my thing is you have to be ready to grab and go, because you don't know when the opportunity is going to arise that you can do it safely. And when that moment comes, you got to be ready.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and we would love to help you make sure you're as ready as you can be.
Speaker 1:And get out alive. All joking aside, get out alive, because not everybody can. It's interesting when people say oh, it must not have been too bad for you to say that long, dude, I was just trying to live, I was trying to be okay and there was no way in hell. Yeah, I could have walked out many times. I was not leaving without my kid and I had a dog with epilepsy. I didn't put that in gasping for air, because that could have been. A whole other book is how they treat children, pets.
Speaker 1:I mean the whole thing. I was not leaving my epileptic dog. I, yeah, there was just so much, but we should do that and I apologize, we go off on these tangents people. Yeah, but we are going to do one more question, yes, and then she's going to go rest.
Speaker 2:I spent my entire life chasing perfection, trying to be the child my parents wanted, the one who didn't make mistakes, who didn't rock the boat. But no matter what I did, it was never enough. My mother would look at me with cold eyes and even colder heart. She would tell me I would never be as good as my sister by the time I was an adult. I was truly broken inside, exhausted from trying to meet impossible standards. The final straw came when sorry, I gave her a gift. It was a heartfelt effort, only to be told it was the wrong color. I snapped, I stood up for myself for the very first time, even though the words shook inside my throat. But I had to say it and I was done trying to please her.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, that's about right. And congratulations for coming to that point where you knew that there was nothing that you could do. I've always said it's my little joke is I could win a Nobel Peace Prize and it'll be. Oh well, how come you didn't win two. Or, and it'll be, oh well, how come you didn't win too. Or oh, you did it at 49 and not at 40. It's always going to be something.
Speaker 1:And when you finally come to that realization that you know what number one, I have nothing to prove to anybody but myself. If even that, but certainly not these people that are never going to see any worth in me then that that is a freedom that there's. There's just no price for that kind of piece. And it's hard because so many people get caught up. I mean, look at social media. I know you and I belong to groups and it pains my heart and like I can't respond and comment to everyone. But even if I have, they say, oh well, I can't, or I, you know I. People just get so say, oh well, I can't or I, you know I. People just get so caught up in oh, I don't know why my 90 year old mother still doesn't love me, honey. She has made it damn freaking clear she don't want you, she does not want to be your mother. There is nothing you can do, because I've seen a lot of them lately about presents. I got my mother present and she got mad.
Speaker 1:It wasn't what she wanted, or I didn't spend enough on her, or it wasn't the right color or whatever. And it's just like why? Why did you even? Why are you even there? Because this is not like the first incident, obviously. But I think we get so caught up that we hope and we wait and we pray and you just have to get to the point where, where it's right in front of you. You know, somebody used to tell me, if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, yeah, it ain't a swan.
Speaker 2:So my bio dad used to tell me you are going to get your mother a christmas present. You are going to do you hear me?
Speaker 2:you're gonna get her one, so okay, so I would come over and bring over a gift and he would be like what did you get her? You'll see. And he'd open it up and I would be like the dollar store didn't have anything cheaper. Oh ouch, that's what I did I would. I mean, you know, they would decorate my car with stuff involving my ex or you know just these hurtful things. They would have people come over to the house and somebody be like, oh, your daughter's really pretty. And he would say, hey, go flirt with him so I can get part of the money off the bill or go out. I'm like you're not pimping me out, like that's just not going to happen. That's what it sounds like.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:He's like well, the plumber thinks you're good looking and you know, and he was. I was like, so what? I was like I don't care about his profession, I care about the fact that you're like, hey, you know, go out with him so he'll cut you know the cost of this, while you were walking around with three thousand dollars and hundreds in your pocket, like, are you serious? No, no, don't pimp me out. So, yeah, then I would go to the dollar store for her, just because, and everything I ever gave her, she never wore it. She I mean, I would go get her nice stuff never wore it, never want anything to do with it, never want anything.
Speaker 2:Like Faith drew the most beautiful pictures and I actually had a gorgeous canvas painting done of her and my bio dad and I hand to God, I'm not kidding, it was big, it was much bigger than like an 11 by 14. I mean it was big and it was several hundred dollars to do it. Not that that matters, and, hand to God, I'm not kidding. They put it in the garage behind the trash cans. That's where it was installed. It was hung up in the garage they had seven garages but it was in the garage. Behind the trash cans was the picture of the two of them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that sounds like my stepfather. He was always that way, very ungrateful. I would obviously. I learned real quick when I was little. He don't. He didn't want anything from me. He wouldn't want anything from the dollar store or a picture. But see, here's my and maybe you could make sense. And if anyone's listening can relate, I think this is because even you said you're reading my book, my second book about my childhood and angry at my mother, everybody's angry at my mother. Here's where I was mind fucked as a kid. My mother actually was very appreciative of all that. You know, when you're a kid you are drawing pictures and getting them dinky, things that you're buying with your 50 cents or whatever.
Speaker 2:At the school.
Speaker 1:He was very gracious about it and she even had a box where she kept all the pictures and she kept all this stuff. So it's like part of me, like how could I not think she cared, because sometimes she acted like a mother, sometimes, right, very often. But yeah, and then there were those times where I just I would look at her like do you even know that I came out of you? Like do you have? Like it's very interesting that I and I wonder and I think that's part of the betrayal it's like we always say, whether it's your mother or your partner or whoever, when they can say they love you and do loving things and you even have good times.
Speaker 1:And that's what gets me too. People say, oh well, I have pictures of you and you were smiling. Yeah well, it's not like I was walking around with black eyes and looking like Wednesday Adams, every damn day of my life, or with my ex. You learn, sometimes you can have a moment of joy, but people think that like there's this thing, that like there's just a dark shadow over you, like the old pink panther. No, sometimes you are fine and then you know and you can have moments of clarity with that person, but then they do these horrific, hateful things that you. I think that's what shocks you as a as a person emotionally.
Speaker 1:You don't know how to process, like wait second, why you, of all people, like I trust you not to do things to that extent to me because you say you love me, because you're my mother, because you're my husband, because you're whoever, and then they do it and I don't think people understand that betrayal trauma. I mean that's probably the worst emotional abuse there ever is.
Speaker 2:It's the most painful.
Speaker 1:I mean, that is ultimate heartache and trying to negotiate that as a child, that was the worst part for me. So I wonder if anyone else has any like I, like my stepfather no, it's like you were saying about your parents, like it was very clear to me there it was just and there was no love lost with you know, no contact and whatever, like, whatever we just, and I don't even just be, I don't even hate him. He's a piece of shit, but I don't hate him. I hate my mother because she allowed that and then participated in it and I don't get that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's something you'll never understand, because you're not wired like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly, and thank God, but it's still. You know, I feel bad for all the people out there who aren't okay, yeah, and who have, you know, are still struggling with that, because you know they say that even when it happens to you as a child that it usually takes a couple decades.
Speaker 1:You know, you might be in your late thirties, late forties, even your fifts. I've seen people in their 60s come to me and say, oh my God, like I read your book and I'm just starting to kind of realize what I'm in. Because people think, oh, abuse or trauma, like you, you are fully aware. No, you don't, because it creeps in and again you're having good times, you're having moments of normalcy and they're acting like how they're you times. You're having moments of normalcy and they're acting like how they're. You know you think a mother should or a father should or whatever.
Speaker 2:But it makes it worse.
Speaker 1:Very traumatic. It does make it worse, and it's very sad that it's usually not until decades later, when you're an adult, when you're done having relationships and having your own kids, when you're kind of left to sit with your own thoughts and not having to be in so much of a hustle and bustle, that you start thinking back on your life and that's when you start realizing, oh my God, I've been through some crap. And then it hits you and that's when you start going to therapy trying to figure it out.
Speaker 1:So if you're on the young end, like I love when we have like teenagers writing in and you know people in their 20s, even their 30s it's like thank you, thank you for having the self-awareness that you have. It's phenomenal to come to these realizations and even just if you're just starting to realize like something's not right here, because you will have the potential to live so much better of a life going forward if you start making the changes you need to now, so that you don't end up 50 years old and realizing, oh my God, my whole life was crap because my mother did this to me or whatever. It is Right.
Speaker 2:But I also want people to know who are listening that you may be just figuring out that you are in that situation and you could be of any age. It's not.
Speaker 2:It's not discriminatory absolutely the thing is is that dana and I both were exactly where you were and we are now on the other side and we have gone into our healing journey and we will forever be in our healing journey. But if we can get out, you can too, and you are not alone, and that is so imperative that you hear that. If I could Repeat anything constantly, it you are not alone because I went through it alone. She went through a lot of it alone, even though there were characters, quote-unquote on a daily basis and I say characters loosely because I mean that in like a negative term is that you don't have anybody.
Speaker 2:You feels in your corner. You feel like you know which way do I turn? No one is there. I'm doing this by myself. Is this the best life I could possibly have? I might as well just stay and deal with it. No, don't stay and deal with it, because you will get on the other side. You will come out and be the person you deserve to be. No one deserves to take away your happiness. Don't let let them do it.
Speaker 2:And no matter where you are in the progress of finding out and getting out and healing, you're not alone and you will get to the stage where we are now. It took a long time but, you only go forward by taking one step at a time, and that's the only way you will move forward. But sitting where you are not moving at all, nothing will change.
Speaker 1:And I will say one more thing, if I may. I always have one more thing to say but you, you do move forward, but with moving forward, you're going to fall back on your ass a few times, absolutely or a lot of times and it's okay.
Speaker 1:You know, even last week, the holidays, I actually got through these holidays Okay, but I had a little, it was kind of a stumble back, and then I'm like, okay, but the thing is is I want people to know, just because we're where we're at, and just because you heal does not mean everything's suddenly Okay, right, so it's lurky. I always say it's lurking in the shadows, it's always there and it'll creep up on you. But you just got to be like, nope, not today, satan. And you move forward, you get up and you keep making your way forward and it's totally normal and it's totally okay.
Speaker 1:And we still cry, we still have our moods, we still have our moments of feeling self-pity for about two seconds before we realize it's the a-holes in our head telling us these things, not ourselves. And then we're like, nope, not happening, that's not who we are. And you move forward. But you know you, you can have a better life, you can get out, you can love again, you can have healthy relationships. But most of all, you need to have a healthy relationship with you, with yourself, and get right in your heart, and then everything else opens up. So with those, with that lovely inspiration, we will end today's podcast and again we thank everybody for listening and for writing in, and we say it every time that we will one day maybe get through all these questions, but we still want you sending them in and we want to hear your stories and we want to hear about your experiences the good, the bad, the ugly, the in between Because on some level somebody can relate and somebody needs to hear what you've been through so they know that it's not just them.
Speaker 2:Yes, absolutely, and I will keep bugging you and make sure you're okay. I know. Do you know how she says that? I know All right.
Speaker 1:Well, we will talk to y'all soon and we wish everybody a happy new year and we'll be back. Feel better I will. I'm always okay, we're always all right. All right, peace out everyone.
