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A Contagious Smile Podcast
A Contagious Smile is a powerful platform dedicated to uplifting and empowering special needs families and survivors of domestic violence. Through heartfelt stories, we shine a light on the journeys of extraordinary individuals who have overcome unimaginable challenges. Their triumphs serve as a testament to resilience and strength, inspiring others to rediscover their own inner light. Each episode features candid interviews with survivors, advocates, and experts who provide valuable resources and insights to support those on their own paths to healing and empowerment. Join us as we celebrate the power of resilience, the beauty of shared stories, and the unstoppable spirit of those who turn adversity into hope. Let us guide you in rekindling your spirit, because every smile tells a story of courage and transformation.
A Contagious Smile Podcast
Estrangement and Empowerment: Navigating Narcissistic Family Drama, Embracing Healing, and Breaking Cycles for Future Generations TRIGGER WARNING
What do you do when your estranged father becomes your cyberstalker? Victoria and I kick off our return after a rocky January by unraveling this unsettling tale. We share candid reflections and humor as Victoria opens up about her "sperm donor" father, who, despite his obsession, showed zero concern during her daughter Faith's health crises. Through this bizarre saga, we discuss the perplexing behavior of older individuals and the art of resilience and empowerment when facing narcissistic family dynamics. Look out for Victoria's upcoming book, which promises to dig deeper into these familial challenges.
Growing up as the scapegoat in a narcissistic family is a relentless battle of proving innocence. We tackle the ongoing struggle against unjust blame and how past trauma leads to oversharing in adulthood. The narcissist’s aversion to the success of those they seek to control is a key theme, as we recount anecdotes of manipulation and coercion. It’s all about reclaiming personal power and embracing authenticity amidst these toxic dynamics. Listen in to uncover how embracing your truth can be your greatest weapon in overcoming familial deceit and greed.
We're on a mission to break the cycle of trauma for future generations, sharing stories of loyalty, familial conflict, and the sacrifices we make for those we love. From tales of narcissistic behavior and materialism to the journey of choosing motherhood with a vow to change, we explore the importance of healing from past traumas. Our candid conversations underscore the responsibility of being a cycle breaker and preparing for future generations with love and nurturing relationships. Join us as we gear up for our second season, inviting listeners to engage, share, and spread the love.
Hello, hello, hello. It's Dana Diaz here with my beautiful redheaded sister, victoria, who's crossing her eyeballs, even though she still looks cute with crossed eyeballs. So we are here on NARC, narc who's their help. I'm gasping for air, finally back from. I mean, we've been sick, we've had weather, we've had it's been a long January, so here we are in.
Speaker 1:February. We are back. It was a very long January. It was such a long January, but we know that you guys have been waiting for us to answer more questions, as more have, I'm assuming, have piled up. I can't even imagine. Yes.
Speaker 2:Crazy, crazy. But we've also had some phenomenal people reaching out saying that they partake in listening to us, so our voices are in their ears, which is kind of nice and sweet and you know, fun in its own right. And I found out I have a cyber stalker. That's exciting.
Speaker 1:A male or female, it's my sperm donor, oh, okay. Well, you know what I think it's interesting. You know, this is good that we talk about this stuff, because I have had numerous things happen to me since my first book came out, but it's all like I don't understand how people that age because I mean the people bothering me are late 50s, early 60s sperm donor for you. I mean what? 70s something?
Speaker 2:like that.
Speaker 1:Late 60s, okay, 80, whatever, but it's just like you would think people have more. I don't care if you're 20. Don't you have something better to do? Like, then, to worry about what somebody else is doing and what they might be saying, and I just think that's so weird. And one, my most recent narcissist in my life, which will be featured in the book three which is coming out soon she one of the last things she had ever said to me was that I was you're obsessed with me.
Speaker 2:And I'm like no.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm like no. It's more the other way around, and all the actions of the last four or five years have proven that. But yeah, it's an obsession. They're obsessed with people that refuse to bow down to them. But what I mean? What could he possibly gain from listening to anything that you do or following you online? Is he just trying to see if you're talking about him specifically, or?
Speaker 2:Well, yeah, and Michael and I did our show last night and I was like, okay, well, since I have a cyber stalker, let me have a little fun. And so I did an excerpt and I made that the preview of the upcoming episode, where it's like shame on you. Shame on you because you know I don't care that you're wanting to stalk or whatever, but let's be real. This kid who's done nothing in her entire life but help others, you find out that she is on life support, multi organ failure, and you have your head up your ass and I was like shame on you. I said you know what?
Speaker 2:It took me years and years and years, decades, to realize that you don't have that power. You think you do, but you don't. But you don't have that power. You think you do, but you don't. And it's your loss because she's phenomenal and everybody who meets her is better for meeting her and for you to be such a shallow prick. That's on you. And so that was just like. Michael was like, wow, okay, and it was just literally. You know how you get notifications for people that look like if they think that they're either a friend suggestion or if somebody is looking at your stuff all the time, it'll say you know somebody, this is somebody that you might know.
Speaker 2:and I get emails that say, um, this person has a lot in common with you because and I mean it's like a daily thing and every day I'm getting emails and he's the consistent thing on them and it's it's his. And what's just sick is the fact that, like I was like no, no, and I went and looked at it and, first of all, he's never posted anything, but he has hundreds of friends and I say that loosely and all of the friends, if you will, look like they could be his granddaughter and they all how can I say this and be respectful? They all look like.
Speaker 1:I think we've thrown respectful out the window on this show.
Speaker 2:They all look like ladies of the night.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm laughing, I just yeah, that is actually very respectful With big implants. You know well here's the thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they look they are young. We can't be surprised about this, and let me just back it up a little bit, because some people are new to this show or might be listening to the first or second time. Just to give a very brief synopsis Victoria is talking about when she says sperm donor. You can figure out what that is, but the she we're referring to is your daughter, faith, who you know was brought into this world under pretty horrific circumstances. You can read Victoria's book who Kicked First. For that I highly recommend it, even though I have not found it in my heart to be able to read that about these two women that I love very much.
Speaker 1:But in Narc Narc who's there? Which is your most recent published book that talks more about your relationship with your sperm donor and egg donor as you refer to them because of this horrific thing that you just said, that when faith required I mean even up to what was it? A year and a half ago, the Christmas before last, she was literally fighting for her life for months right around Christmas. But before that, even as a baby, she was hospitalized her life holding on by a thin thread, and these people, her biological grandparents, couldn't be bothered to ask how she was come visit. Nothing, um, which is horrific.
Speaker 1:I don't care if you're estranged from somebody, don't care for your kid, whatever fine, but you know for an innocent child to have endured what faith has endured. And I'm calling her faith because I, yeah, I won't go there. I'll let you spill that news if you choose to, but, um, for that's how everybody else knows her Um, but it's just so hard to think that people, I mean just from a human perspective. I've never even actually met you guys in person, but let me tell you like I, just when she was in the hospital the Christmas before last, I mean you guys were there for months.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I never went home, you wouldn't leave her side.
Speaker 1:I remember you commenting that like you won't even leave her side to get like a cup of coffee or a sandwich and the food in the hospital is so expensive and you have all these bills piling up and your husband wouldn't work because he wasn't going to leave you, or Faith, and you know people take for granted that you know you were taking like a bite of a sandwich here and there if somebody brought one to you, if you could afford to even get one, because I mean for months it adds up. It's just the whole thing is just crazy. And to know that they're living just like my biological mother and stepfather who raised me, are living, you know, just a few miles away seven miles, I believe, something like that and they're living high on the hog, as we say, and in a very obnoxiously large home for what they need. And you know he's got the Jaguar and the Corvette and three Harleys and all they got all the stuff and all the money. But when I needed at 44, when I needed an oxygen machine, going into COVID, newly diagnosed with a lung syndrome, and my doctor said a cold will kill you, covid will absolutely be life-threatening and I'm immunocompromised they couldn't be bothered to come forward.
Speaker 1:I had other people. I had people that were like my professional acquaintances, customers that were like here's a hundred dollars, here's 200, you know, let's all pitch in. I had somebody offer to get care credit. So it's just like to me that's being a human being. That's what I would do. I wanted to go be with you guys just to bring you a damn sandwich and a cup of coffee when you were in the hospital, so to know that, a little baby, if my biological grandchild was in the hospital, I don't care what my relationship is with whoever.
Speaker 1:It's just sickening to me that there is somebody, not just somebody, two people out there, and I'm guessing they're not the only two people in this entire world that are like that, because we have a whole show dedicated to narcissists and people like them. But how effing disgusting, how effing disgusting. And if one of them is cyber stalking and listening to this episode, I say shame on you too. And I have another few choice words for you that I wouldn't say unless they're warranted. But yeah, I'd love it. I don't know how you, you guys, deal with it, but I'm glad that we're here, at least to help other people understand that. You know, there are minor situations that are dealt with with narcissists, and then there are some that are just so atrocious it's hard to believe they're even human. I'm sorry I'm getting off my soapbox now.
Speaker 2:I just. But then that goes back to the NARC. Narc, because if people haven't really either read it or been listening to this podcast series, everything in the book is documented Like there isn't.
Speaker 1:He said oh it's all text messages, emails. You have pictures in there. I mean there's no, you don't even need words. You could read it and say this man, this married man, is using his granddaughter, using his daughter to gain material things, to find women that he shouldn't be partaking in, and I have a few things to say about those women as well, knowing he's a married man and being around you guys, I'm sorry I keep interrupting you, but this is just. Yeah, definitely people should read that book. I read because that wasn't hard to read it, but it was amazing that you had it. Wasn't just you saying, oh, this is what it was? I mean everything is right there screenshots, texts, emails, everything.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I mean it is because you and you know this from being the black sheep. Emails everything. Yeah, and I mean it is because you and you know this from being the black sheep too. You literally feel like your whole life. You have to prove your innocence. You have to prove you're telling the truth. If something happens, it's always your fault, even if you had nothing to do with it. If you're not even in the same state, it's still your fault. You did it. You know you're being put to blame for it. They cannot hold themselves accountable accountable for anything no but, that's what a scapegoat is.
Speaker 1:A scapegoat is who you are projecting all of your crap onto and we, as children of these people, absolutely internalize it. I am, thankfully I'm now 49 and finally realized not everything is my fault, I have. But it's interesting because, like two of the things, signs to me that somebody has been through a traumatic childhood or is if they overshare or over explain, because I was absolutely those things and I didn't realize until adulthood that it really put people off or they were like taken aback. Or I remember one time I even said something to somebody. I'm like I'm not your priest, you don't have to confess to, like I don't need all this extra oh, but, but, but. And I realized, oh my God, but I.
Speaker 1:I did that for so many years too. It's because nobody believes us. You feel like you have to justify, improve and validate and because nobody ever believed you, right, and what a sickening thing to grow. And you don't realize that sometimes till you're really like you've already raised your kids, you've been through stuff, and you look back and like, oh my gosh, I've been like this my whole life because of them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they just will not hold themselves accountable for anything, no matter what it is. And so it was. Just, you know it was tough. And so to find out that this person is constantly looking, you know it's like, oh OK, well, I don't know why. Constantly looking, you know it's like, oh okay, well, I don't know why. But the one thing that narcissists absolutely hate is to see the person that they blame everything on be successful.
Speaker 2:They don't want them to see they want them to lean on the narcissist so that they feel like they have that control, and when you don't give them that control, they don't handle it very well.
Speaker 1:No, they don't. I think I said in Choking on Shame, my second book, I said I had to be thank you. I said I had to be the nothing that they thought I was. And if I'm not nothing, if I amount to anything, but that's all of them. It's jealousy, their ego just. It all comes back to their ego.
Speaker 1:The key aspect to narcissism is their ego. Their ego cannot take accountability because that would mean that, oh, they made a mistake or a bad decision, or they can't handle that. They have to be perfect, they're superior, they're above everybody, so it's somebody else's fault. You know, same thing If somebody else succeeds, their ego interprets that as oh well, that means I didn't succeed because I didn't achieve that same thing. That's why these are never going to be the people that are rooting for you. They don't want you to succeed. They don't want you to succeed. They don't want you to have joy. They don't want you to have love. They don't want you to have anything. They want to see you just wallow away in misery or you have to bow down to them. Those are your choices in their head. But I say F all of it. Be you, do what you got to do and just claw your way out, that's the only way to be.
Speaker 2:Not only that, but it's like when they blame you for something and you blatantly show that they're the liar and you have all the proof in the world, they still spin it. Why did you have to do that? Why are you showing something? Why are you doing this? And they spin it where you're trying to show that you're telling the truth, you're being honest, you're being forthcoming it. Where you're trying to show that you're telling the truth, you're being honest, you're being forthcoming and that you're not to blame for whatever it is.
Speaker 2:Oh I know, and they spin it around where it's like I can't believe you betrayed me. Why would you do?
Speaker 1:that I know.
Speaker 2:And you're like Beetlejuice, you're like what With?
Speaker 1:your head. That's why I'm laughing, because you're right. I have been told that, oh, you betrayed me. My other favorite one is oh, you must not have good character to expose that. You know it's like, but it's the truth and you're lying Like I'm not lying. It has nothing to do with character, right?
Speaker 2:Or I will make your mom believe that you made me go out with this girl. I didn't make you put anything of yours into anything of hers.
Speaker 1:But look at how many people believe these narcissists, because they are very good. When I was a little girl, I always said that my mom and stepdad both narcissists, both different narcissists. But I always called them stories, these little twisted concoctions of reality that they would put out in the world before I would possibly go out and put the truth out before them, and it was always the stories. What story were they? And before they knew that I knew the truth and saw them for what they were, they would come to me and tell me this is what we're telling people. I mean, I put a little of that in my book, but not to the extent that this actually happened. If somebody asks you this, this is how you're going to respond. If somebody says this, don't tell them that this is what we want people to think. So I'm like but it's not the truth. And I mean that started as the earliest I remember I was five years old.
Speaker 1:I am a five year old girl who's being told to lie because I need to protect my mother's reputation and my stepfather's reputation and it's not OK to be who I am or tell the truth, like even they wanted me to negate the fact that my stepfather wasn't, you know, really, my father. Everybody had to believe he was and they wanted. You know, don't tell anyone you're Puerto Rican and don't tell just all this stuff. So now you're taking away my authenticity, my identity, telling me to lie. I don't. I honestly don't know how. I didn't grow up to be an A1, freaking narcissistic a-hole like they are. Because I don't know and people ask me all the time and I'm like, I just was how I was. I was that precocious little girl that questioned everything and I just it just wasn't right and I was not going to participate in it. That's all I can say.
Speaker 2:But that is absolutely-. I think that made our childhood even harder, because of course it does. We decided not to give in and be like them, I mean you know, we could have, and it would have made things a whole lot simpler.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, but we absolutely.
Speaker 1:I'd have a family, I'd have a whole lot of family, I wouldn't be so damn lonely, I wouldn't have been rejected, I would have been, I wouldn't have been exiled. But you know what I'll? I'll take me and my truth all day long Then live a lie that somebody wanted to tell, not just a lie about them, but lying about myself. What, what a horrible thing to be dishonest with yourself. Even. It's almost like gaslighting yourself, which I hate to say. I see people do. I mean that's what my mother does. She, she goes along. You know she wasn't always. I mean she was, but definitely her husband, you know, motivates things and even now it's hard because you know my grandma lives with them because she's getting up there in years and somebody had to take her in and I tried but everyone thought, well, that's her daughter, she should go live with her daughter. So she's with my mother and stepfather and I mean I even talked to her this morning and it's so sad because she's basically being held captive. I'm not allowed to come see her, even when I'm on the phone with her. They now have video cameras inside the house and multiple of them monitoring what she says, who she talks to on the phone what she's saying to people, so sometimes she whispers, or sometimes she goes into Spanish so that maybe one of them might not understand what she's saying, or I've learned to read between the lines. Or she'll say, oh, I'm not supposed to talk about that, I'm not supposed to. I'm like you're 84 years old, you can talk about whatever the hell you want. I'm not supposed to bring up that person's name. Okay, well, you can't. You're talking to me. Oh, no, I can't. There's cameras watching me and if they find out and it like today, she was hoping that maybe they take her out before this big winter storm we're supposed to get hit with tomorrow, because normally my mother only takes her out once a week. I mean, my effing God, oh yeah, and she's not allowed to come out of her bed. I mean, it's so disgusting.
Speaker 1:You want to talk about elder abuse? That's a whole other elderly abuse. It is, but it's a whole other aspect of narcissistic abuse, because it's something people don't realize. When we say narcissistic abuse, it's not like an actual form of abuse, it's an all encompassing. It could be every abuse or any abuse, multiple abuses that a narcissist is using to inflict control upon people or a situation, and we don't talk enough about, like the elder abuse that happens, like what my grandma's going through, but she won't let me take her out of there because, believe me, it's me and I'm sure if you were here we'd pull a Thelma and Louise on that. Oh yeah, we would. I'm like grandma. My husband is almost six, five, two, 20. If we need to come bust you out, we're coming. I'll bring the police with me. We're busting your ass out.
Speaker 1:But she doesn't want to cause trouble, she doesn't want, she just wants peace. And that's what a lot of people do. Yeah, they go along with the narcissist to keep peace. How many people do we know in families, narcissists to keep peace? How many people do we know in families whole families that breaks my heart that go along with the narcissist and exile us, the truth tellers, to keep? We don't want to disturb it, we don't want to create division, we just want to keep everything, keep that person at bay, keep them appeased. F that, f that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know. They even say and anybody who barely knows me knows that I worship my grandparents like worship. I mean, you don't have to know me for an hour to know. And when I, after my grandmother had passed, they would go around telling everybody that I hated them, that I never wanted to see them, that they had to force me to go near them. And I'm like, are you crazy? Every apartment I've ever had, when Faith was a baby in the NICU, she had a picture of them in her incubator, like she had a picture of them over her head. Right now, right here, is a picture of my grandparents Like they're in every room of my home. Their picture is on my back. I had it tattooed on, like for them to say that is just dumbfounding, right.
Speaker 2:But when I lived in a different state than they did or do still, and I found out that my grandmother had cancer, her cancer had returned, that she had to take a cab to go to the drugstore to go get her medication and my egg donor was home, they had, you know, nice, expensive cars could have taken her, but didn't. And when my sperm donor had found out once, he, you know, he was mad at that point he was, you know. But I was like when I talked to us, what do you mean? You had to take a cab and she goes. Well, she didn't want to take me, she would take you where, and so I was six hours away. So I started coming back to her place um every other weekend and she had built a home on their property like a guest home on their property and so she was like she wouldn't take me to the grocery store, she wouldn't take me anywhere.
Speaker 2:So I would drive six hours to come down and take her to the store and to go get um her drugs that she needed at the at the pharmacy. And you know she would be like why are you really down here? And I was like I wanted to see you and she's like, and I always came down when it was refill time and we'd have dinner and I'd hang out with her. And she's like you don't have to do that, you're right, I don't have to do that.
Speaker 2:I don't, but I'm going to do it because it's the right thing to do. Right, you know, I mean it at the holidays. They don't speak to her. They didn't go in there when she was really sick she. I found out about it because I called the hospital and they said that she had been admitted.
Speaker 2:I literally stopped what I was doing, dropped everything and got down there and they told me that you know, maybe a year left with her, and I immediately started planning going back, breaking my lease, stopping, stopping school, like everything. And I mean I was a poor college kid, I had nothing, you know, I had no pot to piss in, money wise. And so when I told her that, she was like no, and I said this really isn't an option, like I'm not going to give you an option. And so when she came back to the, to the house and her guest house, I told the nurse I was like you don't feed her, you don't bathe her, anything personal I will do myself. Like, don't cross that line.
Speaker 2:And so she was like the only way I'm going to agree to this is that if you let me pay you. And I was like absolutely not. And she's like you have bills, you just broke your lease, you have a car payment, you're going to be driving me to appointments, you know, let me give you some money. And I was like, no, well, this went back and forth and so finally I, you know, was like I don't know how I'm gonna do this and be here and take care of her, because I did. I had, you know, car insurance and car payment. So she was like you know, let me pay that. And so, after finally arguing with her about it, I agreed well, so my biological parents, like you, took all this money from her? No, no, I didn't, you know, I didn't want it. And when I tried to make her take it back, you, you can't do that to a new york woman, like you know.
Speaker 2:That's just not gonna yeah, and so I got such criticism that I was taking her for money and and it was like are you crazy Like that?
Speaker 1:That's a perfect. That's a perfect twist to the story, though, because there's evidence that there was money exchanged between you two, but it's their word against yours, and they've already created this narrative for how many years of whatever that you don't like them and you're this and you're that. Believe me, we we've. I think everybody can relate to that, but it's disgusting when people crap all over a very precious relationship that you hold dear to your heart.
Speaker 2:Right. And then you know, after she passed, it was three months later he was like, oh, I got to tell you about the will and all this stuff. And then you know it's in the book, book. But they, he played the nastiest, nastiest, yeah, I can't even say it's a joke like. And he was like, oh, she left, you know everybody, a million dollars apiece and she had a lot of money, but you wouldn't have known it. And I was like I don't want it, I don't want the money, I want my grandmother back and that's what I kept saying.
Speaker 2:I was like I want her. No amount of money is gonna bring her back, it's not gonna make anything better. I don't want it. And he was like, well, it's gonna be in a trust and when you turn 25 you'll get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah. And he let this go. I mean, he even had paperwork done and this one on for months and then one day he was like what are you gonna do when you get this money? And I'm like I don't know, I don't know, I just want my grandmother back. And he was like well, and then months later he's like have you looked at a new car? And I'm like no, and then he's like why you're gonna get all this money? And I was like I don't care. And then he comes back later on and says it was an april fool's joke. And I'm like how in the hell can you consciously make a joke not only about your mother, but one of the greatest human beings to walk on this planet? And you think it's funny, like you think that's funny.
Speaker 1:And it's cruel anyway. It's funny, like you think that's funny and it's cruel anyway. It's cruel anyway to toy with somebody like that Because even if it was just $1,000 for some people, that could like make or break their ability to pay rent and if they're counting on that money coming and being told I mean that's just sick.
Speaker 2:Well, and not just that. But I mean she had told me that you know she was going to make sure that she left me certain things and I was like I want the memories. I want to look at that piece of furniture, remember how I used to play hide and seek and put like things in there that are still there today. Because those are the things and I would never sell it, never. That's what I want. I want the memories, and so I didn't get any of it.
Speaker 2:He kept everything. He never probated the will, so I can't get it. I don't have my way of finding out what's in it. I know that nothing was distributed the way it was supposed to be. He kept all of it and I know he even kept money that my biological mother didn't know was was left. I mean, and it's just like I Don't understand how you lay your bed in bed at night and put your head down and go to sleep. I just don't, because it's it doesn't make sense to me. I would rather have a roof over my head and clothes on my, my husband and child and food in their stomach and have a comfy, cozy home than live in an empty, heartless, lifeless house or mansion as our parents well, that's the thing, though.
Speaker 1:They like to have all their stuff, their, their prestigious. You know status perception, you know life. They have to be perceived as being so much better than everybody by having all this crap right so that. But they're gonna. I mean, I once told my mother I said your husband's going to die very, very alone unless you're around. Just be by his side, and then you're probably going to die pretty alone too because of all the people that you have, you know, lost in this big mess of staying with him. So you know, to each their own, and that's the one thing that's really hard.
Speaker 1:I would never expect somebody to think how I think or believe what I believe, but when it comes to just basic humanity, basic human kindness and courtesy, I will never understand and thankfully so how a narcissist operates and how they completely justify how they are. So I mean, hopefully that helps anybody listening. I mean, any question you have we can explain them. We can give you the why. We can make you understand. You know what your best course of action is in response. But you know what You're not going to change these people, and I have said it a million times. I know that you believe the same thing, Victoria. The only way to have peace is to not have them in your life.
Speaker 1:They will continue to torment you. You might get brief periods, like in my former marriage to a narcissist 25 years. Oh, I'll be better, I promise. I promise this. The longest he could ever go was 10 days, and what's sad is that I never shared that with anybody. And when my son was, well, our son I just say my son, cause he's mine, I don't want to acknowledge the other but but my son came to me, he was maybe 10, 11 years old and he goes. Oh, this again he goes. Dad, can't last longer than a week. You know being good, and I'm just like gosh this is a child saying this and I, I, I give him the 10 days. He usually could go, 10 days being nice, but then then, yeah, the volcano would blow and all hell would break loose and the earth would be set on fire. So it never lasts.
Speaker 2:And I tried.
Speaker 1:I was on that hamster wheel for 25 years and it never changed until I got off.
Speaker 2:So Did you ever experience with your narcissist that they had to like everything was materialistic, Like, for instance, they? They bought an RV, right, so they could go wherever. And when they would tell somebody they bought an rv, it wasn't oh, we just got an rv, it was a we have, like. I don't even know the brand. I knew when they told me what it was. I don't remember the name of it they have to impress people, right.
Speaker 2:But then it was not only this brand, but it is the ralph lorraine platinum edition, and that was always stated. It was not. It's just this yeah, it's the Ralph Lauren platinum edition and it's like absolutely.
Speaker 1:But again, everything a narcissist says is to bait people into giving them admiration, adoration and praise, as if they really do think they're fricking gods. I mean my favorite and it's actually funny. But I always hated my mother and her stupid Christmas newsletters. I actually like reading people's Christmas newsletters, but just not hers. At one point I even told her stop putting me and my son in them because she wasn't saying nice things. And well, half the crap she said wasn't even true and I was just like please keep me out of this. But one year she put in there that her husband bought a new. And again it just like what you were saying and that's what brought it up. It was a new Corvette, like the newest one, but he bought it and I can't even remember Rusty Wallace, I guess is some big car racer. That shows how much I know he bought it from Rusty Wallace. This guy owned it first and now it was his. But she put in the newsletter we paid whatever amount of dollars. She actually said how much money they paid, as if this was going to impress people. And then at a Christmas party after that, somebody you know to be nice was like oh, I read your Christmas newsletter heard about. You know the car and this jackass.
Speaker 1:My stepfather, needless to say, is an extremely overt, over the effing top narcissist. He does not hold back and he's not shy in any way, tells this relative, this aunt of mine oh yeah, and we paid this much. You'd never be able to afford any kind of vehicle like that. And she had the same expression you have right now. But that's how he is, is. He is so audacious it sometimes it comes off as funny and people often think he's funny because he's entertaining, if nothing else. But after growing up with that, like I'm so over the obnoxiousness. And, by the way, his first Corvette, because he has owned multiple, his first Corvette he ever bought.
Speaker 1:And I don't remember if this ended up in the book, because you know how it is writing a book, you put stuff in you take stuff out all the revising, but his very first one it was a Sunday morning, like early, like 6, 7 am on a Sunday morning and you hear somebody blaring a car horn outside Sunday morning and you hear somebody blaring a car horn outside. And you know, this was back in like late seventies, early eighties when people actually like did go to church on Sunday or slept in because nothing was open on Sunday.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And my mom and I look out the window and it's her jackass husband going down the street in his new Corvette because he wanted to haunt and he did not get off that horn. Everybody was looking out because he wanted everybody to see him in this Corvette and everybody did. Everybody saw him and he didn't even care that he was waking up like the whole damn town. I swear to God, that's, that's narcissistic behavior. That's a typical overt narcissist. A lot of them are obsessed with status, like the name brands and status symbols and high end things, and they can take that. I mean I'm not going to lie. I mean I can appreciate something that's high end. Oftentimes often not always it is of a higher quality that I can't normally always indulge in.
Speaker 2:it's nice to have those things, but I wouldn't go rub it in everybody's face or put it in the Christmas newsletter right, no, like he had somebody who would detail cars for him and you know he had the expensive cars and it's just like, all right, it's gonna get you from point a to point b. And he's like you're a senior executive and you're in your early 20s, you should be driving a brand new Lexus and I'm like, you make the payment, I'm still not going to drive it, like you know. No, and he turned around and the guy was our age and so, really nice guy, you know just hard worker. I guess you could just say blue collar, no nice guy, never going to be able to afford a car that he was detailing.
Speaker 2:But that doesn't mean anything to me, I'd still go say hey, do you need a bottle of water, do you want a drink Coke, whatever. And I remember distinctly he calls me up and he is just fit to be tied and I'm like what is wrong with you today? Like what is it today? And he's like you're never going to believe this. There was a lot of times I would just put the phone on speaker and put it down, because that's just what I did, and he was like you're never going to believe this. And then he was like so-and-so is dead and I was like what? I was like he was just here a week ago and he was like, yeah, and the bastard did not finish my cars and I paid him ahead of time, oh my gosh.
Speaker 2:And I couldn't make this up. And I was like wait, are you what? And he was like I paid him ahead of time because he was a single dad and he was doing something for his son. And he said, hey, I'll be back next weekend. Do you think you could go ahead and give me what you know you'll owe me for the rest and I'll come back?
Speaker 2:Now this is somebody that I've known at least 20 years, like at least, and when. Ok, now, he was never on time. But if he said he was going to be there that day unless something happened, he was there, right, so OK. And he's like I swear. And he's like cursing and everything. And I'm like, hey, hey, wait, wait, wait, wait. Did I miss where you just said he died? And he's like, yeah, he had a heart attack and and I didn't get the rest of my work done, and he has my money. And I'm like, okay, I'm just curious and I'm probably going to regret asking this, but like, what are we talking about? He's like I gave him $50. And I'm like you are such a slimeless bastard, my gosh.
Speaker 1:You know what? And I'm thinking, I mean, even if it was a few hundred, even if it, like the guy, died it's not like he wanted to or tried to, Right.
Speaker 2:I'm going to avoid him by dying.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like I don't know, but that's just so. That sounds typically narcissistic. Somebody the offense to them that this person would be so bold as to die.
Speaker 2:Oh to them that this person would be so bold as to die. Oh my gosh, how dare you right. And then the money went to the kid who goes.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna ask the kid for the money back. Oh my god, you can't do that do that he has.
Speaker 2:The kid is not graduated high school. The kid is living, or was living, alone with his dad and his dad did a hell of a good job raising this kid. And you're gonna have the audacity and I was like, why isn't this surprising, like, and he's like somebody needs to give me this back. You walk around with a lot of benjamin franklin's like this everywhere you go and you are literally got your song in an uproar because somebody took a $50 bill from you.
Speaker 1:He would so get along with my stepfather. It was the same thing, penny pincher his money, his money, his money. Nobody else could spend it. You know, even my mother went without health insurance for a long time, and God forbid I needed to go to the doctor for anything. He always had health insurance, though, and he went for regular exams, but God forbid any. I remember going to the emergency room once, and I never I probably still to this day would be hearing about him getting the bill for what the insurance didn't cover on that, because my boyfriend took me to the emergency room.
Speaker 2:That's what blows my mind, and Faith is like I don't understand, because we're good people and all we try to do is help people and pay it forward and he's never had anything health wise. And I'm like, you're right, you know, like I've noticed that too.
Speaker 1:Every narcissist I know is just walking Like they're going to live till they're 100. These a-holes. And then there's people just like fighting for their next breath. There's children that are suffering and dying and people dying to young good people, and I told you before what, living backwards yeah it's evil, yeah, right.
Speaker 2:And my, my egg donor used to turn around say I'm Peter Pan, I'm gonna live forever. And one day I looked at Faith and Faith looked at me and goes I think she's right. And I'm like but you know, I gotta find the picture faith drew a picture of for her Because she called her Mimi, because everything was about her, so it was all Mimi, mimi. And so she Drew a picture. I had a gorgeous picture made of her and her grandfather and, hand to God, he put it in front of the trash cans in the garage Like huge canvas painting. And he put it in front of the trash cans in the garage.
Speaker 2:And so Faith was a little perturbed and so she drew a picture. I have it somewhere. And so she drew a picture I have it somewhere and she showed it to me. And then she showed it to her and she goes I don't get it. And Faith looks at me and goes is she serious? And I was like, yeah, it is a grandma looking down at her grandchild who is, who is holding a bucket. And she says kick it, kick the bucket.
Speaker 1:Oh, yikes, and that's I mean, that's, that's sad. I just, I don't know what to say to that Cause. I mean, if that's how, you make your grandchild feel.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I understand that, but I mean any child should not feel that way, like I mean, like people often condemn me for allowing. Although my son is 21, I can't really allow him much anymore. He's a grown young man. But yeah, I allowed him to have a relationship with them because I understood that the abuse and that mistreatment was specifically to me because I was the unwanted child that my mother had to carry out, while she didn't have to. She chose to carry shame about having me as a teenager and it was my fault for making myself apparently an existing that I infringed upon her life.
Speaker 1:But you know, I am glad that they at least put on their fake BS facade, like they do with everyone else, for my son, because my son actually he sees his grandparents for what they are, but they are not cruel or mean to him. You know, I mean there's things I have taken issues with, but you know, for the most part they're as good as they're going to be towards somebody, to him, and narcissists are very good at that. That's how they fool people. That's how in romantic relationships and friendships, they fool us in the beginning and lure us in with their charm and all their crap, but yeah. But to have a grandparent that would do that put that picture out in the garbage, I mean I would never. I would never think to do that to any child that drew a picture for me. That's so sad.
Speaker 2:They've always been, always. They never want to spend time with her, never want to do anything with her, unless it was my bio dad, and it was, you know, the excuse to use us to have an excuse to go out with us to see other women, and that was awful, you know. I mean, she's an amazing kid who has fought and fought and fought, and they, just you know I mean, she's an amazing kid who has fought and fought and fought, and they, just you know they're lost, they told her that you know, like if I died on the or table, that it would be no loss and that they don't love me.
Speaker 2:And they told her that and you know, I mean, and she's like you are so opposite of them and I said I give you everything I ever wanted, never got.
Speaker 1:A hundred percent. That's what I did with my son, and I think that's what a lot of people do, which is why when I am asked oh, were your parents abused as children? I say yes, in fact, they were terribly, terribly both of that. Well, when I say parents, I mean stepfather and mother, because they're the ones who raised me, but that is not an excuse, because after what I went through, after what you went through.
Speaker 1:I made a choice. Number one I made a choice not to have kids. But then my biological clock said yeah, maybe we do want one anyway. And I made a choice when I held my son. Well, before he even came out of my womb he was going to know that he was loved.
Speaker 1:No, matter what, no matter how, I would never, ever let us have an estranged relationship. And I just don't understand people that perpetuate these cycles and people can say, oh, they don't know any different, they don't know any better. You know what? I was five years old, going to play with the other little kids on the block, and I could see how their moms and dads treated them and their grandmas and grandpas and whoever else I was. Nobody was perfect. Well, a few of them seem to be, but you know, we know how that goes. But at the end of the day, I knew what was going on in my house wasn't right. I knew their relationship wasn't right. I knew how they treated me wasn't right and I was not going to put another child, nevermind my own, through the same crap that I went through. So I don't buy all that. Oh, if they were abused, that explains it. Or I don't know any better, they don't know any better. Bull effing S. That's right.
Speaker 2:No, no, I didn't have. Any times I've heard from people say you know, but they were abused, so that explains it. That doesn't give the right to them to pass it on. That's why you break the cycle, you know, stop playing that freaking victim card, because that is not okay. Well, everybody wants an excuse.
Speaker 1:Everybody wants an excuse because it gives them a way out, because then they don't. They don't have trauma to heal, because that's what abuse is. It's somebody else's unhealed trauma that they're not willing to deal with or acknowledge. So they put it on somebody else. And I don't know about you, but I've traced my crap back eight generations and I am carrying eight generations of bull crap. No, I put that crap, I finally have been able to put it down. And it's not easy, the burden on us to undo all that stuff, but it's so much. It's so much better to go through the healing, which is nasty and awful, to be able to undo all that stuff. And is it all completely gone? No, I'm still, you know, still have a smear of crap here and there once in a while that I notice, and I got to wipe that up, clean that up.
Speaker 1:But my God, and somebody told me something interesting, though this was very recently. She said you think you're the cycle breaker, but you're not. She says it's actually you are the one that decided the cycle should be broken. But we'll see if it really is with your son, with your children and grandchildren. I thought, oh crap, so good thing that my son lives nearby and as much as I don't want to live in this god-awful state, I'm going to stay around because he doesn't think I do anything all day at home. You know, I'm home all day doing nothing. I I don't actually work, but that's fine for him to think that, because he's asked me when he has children if I could, you know, be his free babysitter. So I'm like that's all good, I will be their primary caretaker. So I will ensure that damn cycle is broken. That chain will be broken.
Speaker 2:There will be nothing, no remainders left of it on my little grandbabies, and they're going to call me glamour because you know, like glamour, yeah, glamour.
Speaker 1:You know we're gonna all wear lipstick and have our lashes and all our nails done give me a hot grandma I'm sure I was gonna go for you know, spicy mamacita or something, but that's a lot for a two-year-old. So I figured glamour is we can start with that. So that's too cute.
Speaker 2:I can just see like little matching pajama day and all sorts of cuteness.
Speaker 1:Oh, goodness, oh yeah, and they can't stop me. We're going to go have lots of fun and do lots of fun things, because I mean, that's what I tried to do. Well, I and I did do that with my son as much as I could within that marriage to his father, which was not fun, but with the grandkids I'm gonna be just, I'm gonna have it's gonna be all balls out. So it's exciting okay well, we better answer some questions, because people have been writing in.
Speaker 2:Probably we have been answering some. Oh, have we okay? Well, hopefully yeah, and the next one, we're gonna do nothing but answer questions. Okay, that's what we're gonna do on the next one, so, but we're gonna. We're gonna get these back out more routinely, since we had to. Yes, we'll say this is our season two, because we took a little break there yeah, and we apologize.
Speaker 1:You know illness is going around after christmas and just I mean schedules and it's just been a whole lot of but I think everybody understands january. It was a very long january but we will be back we all need to breathe.
Speaker 2:We'll be back soon, soon, soon, soon yes, I'm looking forward to it yes, so keep all of the questions and comments coming in and we will get to all of them yes, we will keep listening.
Speaker 1:Share these episodes with your friends, with anybody else who you think might relate, because that's the best way to help them out is for us to let them know instead of you, because if you do it, it's kind of confrontational or they may take offense or be embarrassed or ashamed, and we want everybody to feel the love, so share this please listen next time, and we'll see you then.
Speaker 2:Bye.
