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A Contagious Smile Podcast
A Contagious Smile is a powerful platform dedicated to uplifting and empowering special needs families and survivors of domestic violence. Through heartfelt stories, we shine a light on the journeys of extraordinary individuals who have overcome unimaginable challenges. Their triumphs serve as a testament to resilience and strength, inspiring others to rediscover their own inner light. Each episode features candid interviews with survivors, advocates, and experts who provide valuable resources and insights to support those on their own paths to healing and empowerment. Join us as we celebrate the power of resilience, the beauty of shared stories, and the unstoppable spirit of those who turn adversity into hope. Let us guide you in rekindling your spirit, because every smile tells a story of courage and transformation.
A Contagious Smile Podcast
When Leaving Is the Only Option: A Survival Guide TRIGGER WARNING
Financial abuse remains one of the most powerful yet least understood tactics used by abusers to maintain control. In this raw, emotional conversation, two survivors share their hard-earned strategies for financially preparing to escape dangerous relationships.
The hosts reveal detailed methods that helped them break free—from getting cash back at checkout and removing that portion of receipts, to building reserves through reward programs, gift cards, and couponing. Their advice extends beyond merely saving money to creating comprehensive safety plans, including teaching children emergency protocols and maintaining "grab-and-go" safes with essential documents.
What makes this episode particularly powerful is the authentic vulnerability shared through personal stories. One host reveals the horrifying moment her ex-partner deliberately endangered her infant daughter's life by obstructing her tracheostomy, while another describes preparing end-of-life instructions for her teenage son when she discovered her ex was planning to kill her. These aren't theoretical scenarios but lived experiences that underscore why financial preparation can be life-saving.
The conversation also addresses the judgment survivors often face from those who've never experienced abuse, with a poignant story about confronting a mother who blamed her daughter for staying in an abusive relationship. The comparison between seeking specialized medical care for cancer versus appropriate support for domestic violence survivors resonates deeply.
Whether you're currently planning your exit, supporting someone who is, or simply seeking to understand the complex dynamics of abuse, this episode offers practical wisdom, emotional support, and above all, the reassurance that you are not alone on this journey.
Good afternoon and welcome to another episode of Narc. Narc, who's there? Help, I'm gasping for air. My ride or die is.
Speaker 2:And.
Speaker 1:I noticed that she's the same glasses. I do. They're just not the same color.
Speaker 2:Yeah, these are my actual. These are my glasses. Yeah, they're black. Everything in my life is black, but I love red. I used to have red ones, but I love your red ones.
Speaker 2:By the way, everyone, this is our take two of a podcast we tried yeah, you know it's interesting and I said it yesterday, but I have to say it again, apparently.
Speaker 2:So we're going to talk about today and, just so everyone's prepared, about just some tips, things that worked for us and our experiences and our previous relationship that helped us prepare to exit, or escape, as the case may be, but it's interesting that I made a video and it was a quick, I think it was like two minutes, but I was pretty, you know, like on point, just like throwing it out there for TikTok, and it was instantly removed and I don't know if it was the keywords or the content, but it really pissed me off.
Speaker 2:So it was kind of strange, like if anyone else out there is like I'm very spiritual and I see signs and everything, and so yesterday, like it it's, it's sunny again today, just like it was yesterday no weather events, nothing going on, and my internet was just all wonky and kept freezing up and then the recording wasn't good, so we couldn't put out what we recorded. So just letting you guys know that's where we're at and I'm like, okay, why is the universe not wanting this message to get out? But by God, we're going to third.
Speaker 1:Time's a charm, yes, it's a bunch of narcissistic pricks that is trying to stop us. I just don't realize you don't mix with the two of us Like we're fiery feisty. If you put our chemistry, all you know, we have the, the little redhead, and we've got the Puerto Rican.
Speaker 2:who doesn't say you know, we got like all of that and I don't know if you know this people are so focused on. I am half Puerto Rican. All my grandmas and grandpas came from other countries. So grandma and grandpa on mom's side are from Puerto Rico and I was raised by the Puerto Rican side. But my biological father, his mother, is from Germany and his dad is from Italy and has ties to the Chicago mob and I'm not supposed to talk about that. I'm told. You know, there's still Frankie's and Tony's and Johnny's that show up at weddings and you just don't ask, don't tell. But I'm a woman, so I'm assuming that, like you're not supposed to touch the women and children, they're left out of it. But I don't know. I just wish I knew them more back when I was with my ex. I just wish I knew them more back when I was with my ex, right? Anyway, I better stop talking, all right, I will get a freaking hit on me.
Speaker 1:So anyway, your grandmother is gorgeous. She's so cute.
Speaker 2:Oh, one day I'll have to show you though her wedding picture. I mean she is cute. I call her my hot mamacita because I mean I just have to and I love her dearly. Call her my hot mamacita because I mean I just have to and I love her dearly. But my god, when she was young, I mean even I was gonna go at her.
Speaker 2:Oh my god, oh my god, was she hot as hell? Like hot, like seriously, I will show you. And I'm not just saying it cause I'm biased, cause I'm that person that like, if people show me a picture of a baby and it's just like Holy shit, like I'll be, like look at that. You know, I can't fake it. I'm not one of those that's going to tell you yeah, no, but no, she was, and I would love one one of these days, if, if I can, you know, get her from the house. I'm not allowed at where she currently lives. I would love to have her on because he was married to well, I don't call him my grandfather, but her husband, my mother's father, my mother's father.
Speaker 2:You want to talk about a narcissist who was also an alcoholic, very violent, did horrific I mean horrific things to my grandma and my mother and my two uncles. But my grandma, since I've written my books, she has said that she really wants to tell her story and I think for her because she's I'm getting chills now, but she just turned 85 a couple of weeks ago and she just she thinks, I know, and she thinks she's going to die soon. And all this because, you know, she's at that age where she just thinks that everything's fine, she doesn't look 85. No, she doesn't, but she thinks she's going to die soon. So it's like really important for her to pee. She wants to feel heard and so maybe sometime we'll have to have her on. Otherwise I'm just going to interview her and put it on YouTube or something, but that stories she can tell. I mean, I know you, your first marriage was not exactly a walk in the park. Neither was mine. Yours was much worse, but grandma went through some. She went through some serious shit, like serious crap, I mean. But this isn't about her today, but we'll have to talk about having her on. I would love to and I think it would be an interesting take.
Speaker 2:Just on the generational aspect, you know, just talking about, you know, being married in, I mean I want to say it was in the six, was it in the fifties? Or yeah, it would have been in the fifties. I want to say early to mid fifties that she got married. So I don't know it just, uh, times were different then and you just did as you were told, but she never wanted to marry him and from the get go, I mean it was just like me from the get go, but back then it was different and you stayed with your husband regardless of that, but there was no authority or judge or policeman that was going to come help you or save you and your kids.
Speaker 2:So it's really sad what she had to go through, but it's still still tormenting her, which you know. I think that's why we we have so many people that listen to us and sometimes I'm like how, how are people like resonating? How are so many people resonating? But I think a lot of it has to do with, you know, like we're Gen X and we're the FAFO generation. We found out now everybody else is finding out too, but you know our parents and grandparents generation totally different times. So it's an interesting take that we should probably, you know it might help some other people to get perspective.
Speaker 1:That would be awesome. Well, the reason we had to do a retake as you said, so many people have asked us for what we did to help with the financial preparation of leaving how they can, because financial control is so much more than people think it is. There's so much more to it than people think.
Speaker 2:Financial abuse. I don't mean to interrupt, but I want to be clear, because we talk about it but people don't really understand what it is and where there is control and manipulation that's abuse, yes, and so these are suggestions that worked for us.
Speaker 1:These are ideas that have worked for us. These are things that we implemented in to help in our getaway, if you will. I bet you I probably have 30 to 40 people who've asked that. You know I'm trying now to put them in groups of what they're talking about so we can kind of get it together, but I bet you we have 500 unanswered questions.
Speaker 2:Honestly, oh my goodness, and I love it.
Speaker 1:I love it because I love that not only because we're being heard by people who need to be listened to, but they have a, they have a place they know they can go to and and they're being heard right, that they know 100%. So that is so important for me and I know it is for you that they they say okay, I have a safe spot, I have a place. I have so many people that I don't mention that'll say you know what? I just put my ear pods in and I have really long hair or I just you know, and I listen, I just listen and I don't need to write in because you guys answer stuff for me. Anything I can come up with question-wise, you guys answer. And so I get so many people who just say that and say thank you, because even after attacks or isolations and control, it's all abuse, whatever it is, it's still abuse that instead of just withdrawing and suppressing, they listen and they say I'm not alone. I'm not alone. This isn't only happening to me. So I love that people feel that they have a safe place to come in and hear. And so, real quick, before we go into that, one of the things I want to go in and mention that we did yesterday was the academy.
Speaker 1:The Podcast Growth Academy has a sub academy in it that we decided to open called the Safe Haven Phoenix Center, and what that is is it's a safe place. I went through it alone and had literally no one. Dana has been through hell in a handbasket and I don't care. I went out there and compared. You know what courses are costing and I've seen them for 200 to $7,000, depending on the course, of course. But I have put out my goal was once a week, but now I'm getting like crazy about it and I'm doing them daily. Where in the safe haven section of the academy, there's courses in there to help you with your healing journey and it's how to recognize signs. Or maybe, even if you're not the one in it and you think maybe your sister is or your friend is, there's a course in there that says these are the signs you need to look for. This is how you approach your friend or your loved one, things of that nature. None of the courses in that academy will ever be over $4.99, ever, ever, ever, ever.
Speaker 1:Because I know what it's like to leave with nothing and you can't even get an order of French fries anymore for that, and if I could do it for free, I would. But they do require that I pay something and that they do get something, because the platform itself that I'm using is insanely expensive for me to use for that. So it's $4.99 per class and if you write me and say, hey, I can't afford it, I'll pay it. You know, I just I don't want someone who needs this not to be able to access it because of some jerk who's taking everything else from them. I won't have that. And then we have the Stucco Squad for your kids. They're also for special needs kids, but the Stucco Squad's amazing. It's going to be a VIP, elite membership. And I know Dana I don't know if she saw yet I just sent her pictures of our new bracelets for all of the members.
Speaker 1:And the Stucco Squad is an elite membership for special needs and survivors of any type of abuse. And your kids, your kids even if, god forbid, they were or were not, they're still witnesses to it. They're allowed to come in. There are so many classes in there to help them realize their self-worth, that they're valued. How to handle being bullied, how to handle isolation All of them just make you feel so good about yourself and there are different age tiers. It's so much fun.
Speaker 1:You go in there and it's about body dysphoria, how to see who you are and realize that you're not ordinary, you're extraordinary, and every one of these really make you feel great about yourself and that, again, is just something out there that we wanted to put out there to help people realize that they are not alone and that we've been asked also to come on lives in that group and we will. We will come out there and it's a safe place, so you are safe. And when you go and if you do charge it, it will say podcast growth Academy. I set it up that way. So and this leads into the financial abuse and financial control Um, it's set up that if you do take a course and it'll say podcast growth, um, podcast growth Academy, because I don't want it to say safe Haven, and so it won't do that, and so you won't have to explain that.
Speaker 2:Exactly, cause that's a big part. And before we do get into the meat of this, just a little disclaimer we are not suggesting in any way I will never personally tell somebody to leave their situation, no matter how bad it is. You, the person in the situation, are the only one who knows if and when it is safe to leave, and I would never. We do not want you to put yourself in more danger by taking our suggestions any of them, um and putting yourself, you know, in a situation where you're going to face worse or consequences. So please know that we are giving you tips that are things that we had to, unfortunately, learn by trial and error, by ourselves, but things that are helpful for some people hopefully most of you, more of you than not but do know that you have to decide whether it's safe to implement any of these actionable steps, because we don't want anybody getting hurt, literally and figuratively, in any way by anything that we're suggesting by anything that we're suggesting, absolutely, absolutely.
Speaker 1:So a few of the things that you can do that I've done is you know, when you go to, say, walmart, and you get the items necessary I mean, mine was my idiot ex was so specific, dana, that he would be like you're only allowed to get this, this, this, this and this, right, heaven forbid. You have to get a box of tampons or maxi pads or something early just to have them, and it's not on the list, right? So you go and you get all this and then say you have to get a box of pads for you or your kid or whatever. And then when you go to check out, it says do you want cash back? Well, what I would do is I always said yes and I've never took more than $20. Tear off that bottom part of the receipt because I promise you, when you get home or back to the house because it's not home they're not going to look at that. They're going to look at the items and they're going to look at the total. They're not going to see, because it doesn't show that If they don't even look at that and they only look at the statements that come in from the card, it's not going to say you got cash back, it's just going to say, like Walmart, total 184, whatever.
Speaker 1:So I started doing that and I started to put that money in the SUV. I had at the time had a like a little compartment in the backpack and I would put it in there. And I also bought a throwaway phone and I would have an extra charger in there. And then I started doing that and then when I had too much cash where it was getting too bulky, then little by little, because I could hide nothing in the house, nothing. And so then I started getting like a gas card, a gas gift card, or then I would go and get like a meal card or another prepaid visa or things of that nature and I know we mentioned this before but say, like somebody gave us something from Kohl's and he hated it, oh, go, take it back, I don't want this. Go get me, go buy me some other clothes. This is the only thing you're allowed to get, right? So I would take it back to Kohl's and I would say you know, this was the wrong thing. They gave me a gift card, right, there's no expiration on it. So I would take that and I'd put it in there, and then I would take like one of the $20 that I had in cash or whatever, and I'd go to Walmart and get like a shirt or whatever he demanded, because they're not going to know the difference Like they don't know if it's a Walmart or a Kohl's or whatever and then I had that gift card for whatever amount.
Speaker 1:So when I got out and I and people are like, why would I want a Kohl's gift card? Okay, thing is, when you leave if you leave everything else, because everything else can be replaced, anything materialistic can be replaced when you get out, if you choose to leave, then take that Kohl's gift card, wait till they have a sale, wait till you can get Kohl's cash back too, because they do it all the time. And then you go in there and you get your new cooking stuff you need. You go back in there and you replace with stuff that you need you didn't have because you didn't take it with you, and you use that card to replenish that. And those are some of the other things that I would do to make sure and I know you have plenty of ideas.
Speaker 2:We have a lot of, you know ideas, yeah, but I love that idea, because I mean even people that would say, oh well, you know my kid and I because and you have to think about your kids too, obviously but let's just say that you get to leave with all your clothes and all your stuff and everything you ever wanted. The thing is a lot of, a lot of the a lot of the time, more of the time than not, I have people that come to me and say, well, I don't know how I'm going to sustain things. I don't know how I'm going to afford to be able to give my kids Christmas those gift cards, those that cash that lets you go back and buy every. Maybe they're not going to get, as the kids won't get as much as they usually do, but you can go buy them a birthday gift, a Christmas gift or just to. If your kid's invited to a birthday party and now you're living in a shelter or something, at least your kid doesn't have to carry the shame of everything else that's happening, that they can go to the birthday party because you were able to buy a small gift for that kid. You know, it's just sustaining all these little details of life that we're not normally concerned with and that really don't matter.
Speaker 2:But when you have kids especially because, like you and me, like I don't care if I wear the clothes on my back the rest of my days, like I know I'll be fine I can get new clothes, I can get food you know there's enough food, pantries and churches and helpful good people in this world, there's shelters. You get your basic necessities. But when you have kids, kids don't necessarily know how to process. Especially, you know that kind of trauma that it's just more traumatic for them to go to school in the same clothes or the shoes with the holes in them or clothes that's too small or not be able to go to the birthday party because they don't have a gift to give. So it's always really helpful to have that extra. And, like me, I there was never anything in the account that was extra that I could take Even groceries was. You know, I was a huge coupon or huge like every ad, the Aldi, the Jewel and the Kroger. I would circle and I would plan the meals around that and kind of recycle stuff from each meal, all the leftovers and other stuff. You figure it out. But one of the things I did just throwing another idea that's similar to this was just. You know, for Christmas, if grandma or an uncle or whatever sent money, five bucks, 20 bucks some people like I did have a job at that time that there were cash tips especially around Christmas. Hallelujah and amen. I was very blessed at Christmas. Everybody was very generous.
Speaker 2:I socked that money away and this is a good time to talk about what the the biggest thing that I I always say. I know you said you couldn't hide stuff in your house and not everybody can. I'm actually surprised I didn't get found out. But for $50, you can get a century safe at Walmart fireproof, waterproof, because that is important, because you never know with these people. And it literally is handheld. It looks like it's like the size of a purse, I would say like maybe roughly 10 by 12, something like that, maybe six, seven inches thick. So easy enough that I call it a grab and go All of your, your important documents, your social security cards, gift certificates, birth certificates, but gift certificates or not gift certificates, birth certificates, but gift certificates too, all the cash.
Speaker 2:Another big thing I got that I put in there was I got a jumbo like storage drive, a jump drive, that I downloaded from my phone and computer all the foot like. So I wouldn't have to worry about never having the photos of my son growing up, any tax documents, any statements from any accounts. Everything that I could was downloaded on that jump drive and I regularly put stuff on there, kept that in the safe, because that way if I ever needed again to grab and go, as you said and I told my ex in the divorce, I can buy a new TV, I can buy new clothes. I don't care if he kept my panties and held everything. He could have my damn car, I don't care. I can make more money and get new stuff. I just want my kid myself safe, alive and the hell out.
Speaker 2:So a grab and go, because you never know, sometimes you get that opportunity like literally you might need to run, but like I know somebody that literally said it was the middle of the night and she had to throw whatever she could in the laundry basket and she had three kids. So you know it's something that requires planning. But if you have that grab and go and you know where it is not, the only thing is to keep the key somewhere that it's never going to be found, because if they find that little safe, that's one thing, but hopefully you can hide it somewhere where they won't find it. But if they do, you don't want them to be able to get into it. So just make sure with the key and I never usually talk about where I leave the key, but I have suggested to people put it somewhere they will never go.
Speaker 2:For example, you know, men don't usually want to mess with your tampons for some reason, even though they're wrapped in plastic individually in the pink box, they just like freak out.
Speaker 2:If they have oh my God, it's a tampon, hide it in the bottom of, you know, underneath the tampons or something somewhere like that, nowhere obvious. I happened to have an animal in a tank. I don't like to be specific about things, but I hid my key under the water bowl in that tank and if anyone wanted to go, I mean, who the hell would think? I mean, go, just decide you want a pet snake if you don't have something, and go get a tank and put the snake in there and put the key under the water bowl. I'm just saying like it's not an obvious place, but just make sure, or give it to some. If there's one person that you know that you can absolutely a hundred million percent trust. Make sure that they know where it is, or even give it to them, right. But you also want to be able to access what's in it, so make sure it's somebody. That's not far.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and there's several other things. I started backing up my vehicle all the time, so if I had to get out very quickly, I could. Also because there were times he would block me in and if he blocked me in by doing a catty corner or whatever, you have a much easier time trying to get out if you're already facing the right direction than trying to reverse, and it takes a lot longer, a lot longer. I did have one of the ladies write in and say that she actually kept a spare key, that she got a storage unit and her storage unit she put in her friend's name, um, and the only key she had. She taped it to the back, the back side of a blade on the fan oh, that's a good place to hide.
Speaker 1:That's genius, because you can't see the back of a fan blade right?
Speaker 2:Well, not only can you not see it, but I ran a housekeeping business for many years, and let me tell you, nobody cleans their damn fans, except for me, apparently, I do. Nobody's going to go up there, though, and certainly not you know somebody, Nobody. I love that. You know somebody, nobody. I love that, though, because nobody would ever think those are the places Like I.
Speaker 2:It was funny when my son and I moved and total aside, but just another idea when my son and I moved in here with my current husband, my husband had to go do something in the basement. My son decided he wanted the private bedroom and bathroom in the basement. My son decided he wanted the private bedroom and bathroom in the basement, like having his own apartment down there. Anyway, my husband like moved a tile you know the, what do you call them, the drop ceiling, moved a tile in the drop ceiling and cause he had to access some pipes and he found like a rubber band and a lot of money that there was like $1,500. And it just. He comes up to me, he goes why was this in the ceiling? And I'm like I took it right away. I said I know you came from a nice family and your first marriage wasn't like that. But my son and I have had to do stupid shit like this, but it's not stupid. And I was like this is brilliant.
Speaker 2:I love that my son learned. Yes, I certainly didn't tell him a lot of this stuff, but even he knew. In our house with his dad we had to watch a lot of things, and so I loved that he was so resourceful that he thought to move the ceiling tile and the drop ceiling and hide money up there just in case. But only my husband would be the one to find it because he's, you know, very tall and and large and just goes and well, he's a builder, that's what he does. But but it's another place you can hide a key. I mean, imagine if you taped it to the other side of a drop ceiling tile that like, even if it was moved, nobody would know it was there. That's a great idea.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely. And even for the tampons, like take the tampons and you know, take the thing out and use the applicator and put money in it. You know they're not going to.
Speaker 2:Yeah, or even in pads, like, especially like if you get, like the bigger ones, the overnight pads, you could always just open it, like, just have one that, like you never use, obviously, but open it and stick stuff in there. You could stick and then fold it back up and stick it and put it right back in the box, cause nobody's going to go opening a bunch of maxi pads thinking that there's money or keys to safes in there. But men don't touch that kind of stuff and we're not excluding you. You know, you men out there that might be in the opposite situation with a woman or another man, as the case may be, but you know we're talking about tampons. But maybe there's stuff that men have that you know. They know that their partner is not going to touch for whatever reason, has no business touching, would never suspect. Those are the places you want to hide stuff.
Speaker 1:Right, and it's not just that. You know I hate to say it and I know firsthand maxi pads are fantastic things to keep on hand because they stop bleeding more than you have any idea. Like they are fantastic for that and I'm sorry you even know that. But yeah, you know, I used to keep a ton of them.
Speaker 1:Another thing I used to do and we again we had discussed this before is is my I can't say my, I hate saying my anything idiot had severe OCD and so he had to have three of everything, didn't matter have it. So I would take, you know, like body wash, like you know how long does a guy's huge body wash? Months. So what I would do, instead of buying it, is that I would take one when it was empty and I would fill it with, or when it was like 95 empty, I'd fill it with water and put it in the back of his extra supply. So there'd always be three full ready to go, plus the one in the shower. So then I would fill it with water and I would do it, you know, when I knew, because then I knew I have so much back supply so I could get out and then I wouldn't have to go and spend that money.
Speaker 1:You know, another thing that a writer told me not a writer, but a survivor told me, and I would love for people to write in and give tips you know is that she used to go and get coupons in the mail out things that get in the mail. You know they give coupons in the mail where it's like kids eat free on Tuesdays. She would go and get, you know, she'd go on a Tuesday and take the kids to eat with the abusive guy and then, like Olive Garden had, buy one, take one home days, and she would do that and then she would have enough food to take care of the kids when she's getting ready to leave. Like that's what she said she did for like the week before. Is that you know? She had the thing for the kids always take the coupons.
Speaker 1:She said I used to find places that you know kids eat free on these days. I'd go frequent those places and she said, in, there she goes. I would normally not even eat or I'd eat just, you know, one of the sides and I would take the food home and that would be the next meal. So I knew they were going to eat Right.
Speaker 2:And that's exactly it Saving the money. If you don't mind me interrupting, but this is something that I think is really important because, for me, the couponing and, like you said, with the meals, my son, as he got older, like as he got to be 13, 14, he was a big boy, you know, starting high school he still didn't understand why if we, if we were eating out, why I would get the $4.99 kids meal at Culver's, because I'm getting the same hamburger or cheeseburger or whatever chicken tenders.
Speaker 2:I'm getting the same fries, getting a drink, and you get that coupon for the free ice cream in the back and the two of us can split all that. He loved root beer floats. I'd get a root beer and take the ice cream, dump it in there. There you go. Here's half the burger, here's half the fries. I'll eat the other half for $4.99. You cannot feed two people even at a grocery store buying stuff.
Speaker 2:But the coupons I mean I went like I fortunately had a housekeeping business where and this sounds a little nutty but like I would go in people's recycling and like if they had the Sunday paper or something where all the coupons were in, I would take theirs. I mean, sometimes I'd have by the end of the week 10 different. You know the same coupons but 10 of the same. And if you learn in your area where you live, a lot of the time they will run sales in congruence with the coupon so that you're getting that. You know whatever, that frozen pizza, that's now five for 10 and you've got coupons for $5 off if you buy 10 and now they're like practically free. You know, you, you got to work all that stuff. My son got to the point where he saw what I was doing, you know, coming home with piles of people's coupons, and he would come home and be like, oh, the teacher, you know, threw these in the garbage. Mom, I brought them for you and bring me the coupons. Or he'd be at his friend's house and say, oh, I asked them if they were using their coupons or if he would say so, you know, make it a thing. I mean, we made it kind of a game, you know, to go through the sale ads, see what we had coupons for, and you know it helps to save that money. So, like what you were saying in the beginning, that when you take okay, if you're saving 20 bucks today in coupons, take that 20 bucks cash and stock it. Now you have saved, nobody's questioning it, the food is there, everything's provided.
Speaker 2:But also when you do get out, these are the things you still need to implement because, yeah, you can live on ramen noodles, you can go to the food shelter, you can go to the churches and there's no shame in that. I've been to the food pantry before and in our area I actually love my, my former priest. He started what we call micro pantries, which they're? They kind of look like kitchen cupboards, but they're stationed outside certain places, like there's one right outside the chiropractor's office, there's one outside the post office, there's one outside of where you pay your sewer and water bill. They're just everywhere and people can come anytime, 24-7, any day. They're not locked or anything. You can go, donate and put stuff in there and anytime you need to go you can pull stuff out.
Speaker 2:And so if your community doesn't have something like that, start it. The libraries love that stuff. People always want to do community outreach, but it's amazing because there's no shame. Then if you don't have to worry about oh, I'm working on the day they're doing food pantry, you go in there. There's always boxes of spaghetti and macaroni and sauce and cereal and oatmeal packets and whatever. That's what it's there for. It's there to get you through the tough times, so don't be ashamed. But if there's not something like that in your area, start it because, believe me, you might need it someday for yourself.
Speaker 1:Right. Another thing I did and I didn't put it in who kicked first? I didn't write it in there Cause, just like you, there's so much we could have added. We didn't. And what I would do and this is a, this is a double play is say, for instance, like he loved a certain brand of, say, french fries, right, so they were frozen French fries.
Speaker 1:So what I would do is, when he had the ones that he liked, I saved the bag and then I would go to the store the next time and I would buy the cheapest NAS and I put them in the bag. In the bag, and then I had plastic tape ties. You know that you could just grab the bag and tap it. And he would always say why are these brand new bags already clipped? And I made up the answer. I don't know how I got away with it and I was like, oh, it was just so it would be easier to open. And you know I use the pregnancy brain and I was like it's just easy to open and it makes it quick when you're hungry. And you know, because, like his food couldn't touch Nothing, could touch each other, like his salad had to have three radishes, it had to have this. I said I had to have that Like so the three is weird.
Speaker 2:You know my grandma, it's actually a spiritual, it's an island thing like a myth, but bad things happen in threes. So the three thing is just. It's kind of ironic to me Just saying Huh.
Speaker 1:But he would say why? Why is this? You know, why are my french fries already open? They're brand new. And I was like, well, just because if you told me I needed to make them right away, I could make it right away. And another reason I did that was because I just bought, like that, 89 cents expire tomorrow. Throw it in last call frozen french fries which I'm not going to eat. In the bag of the name brand that's like 10 times more expensive.
Speaker 1:And I clip it because I don't want the knife, I don't want it around. My ex stabbed me over a dozen times. I don't want that knife out, so I actually pulled the knife. I have obviously the scar. I pulled a knife out of my own chest where he stabbed me and I took it out pregnant. So I did everything I could not to need knives like ever. And so this was one of the things that I did.
Speaker 1:And then you do that, you know, with more and more stuff. I did it with orange juice, I did it with like lunch meat. I would keep the container and then you know he wouldn't let me eat the good stuff anyway. So I would do this with his stuff, and then he normally realized what it would cost at the grocery. Like he was like oh, this is what it's, you know, normal around was. And then let's say it was 150. Well, I saved all that money by going generic and I had coupons for generic. So sometimes it would be like a hundred dollars off. Well, I wouldn't get the cash back because I was nervous about that. I'd get a hundred dollar gift card and he wouldn't know. And then if he looked at the statements he would see, okay, she went to Kroger and it was, you know, there's a normal price, right. And then he never questioned it. And that was another, another way that you could do it as well, and what we'd also talked about. I want to make sure we cover. We had so many great tips yesterday.
Speaker 1:Another thing is, first of all, go get yourself a new email account. Right, just go get a whole new email account. You can do things like I have GetUpside and you go up there and when you go to get gas, go to your GetUpside, it says, oh, go to this gas station, it gives you 18 cents back a gallon and it goes and stays in an account. So once you hit I think it's twenty dollars or whatever it'll say do you want it paypal? Do you want it in a gift card? How do you want it? Then they don't know. And you've got to get gas, so you use to get upside.
Speaker 1:Another thing I do is I use um the racket and I use retail me not, and especially when things are on sale and you get ten dollars back or fifteen dollars back or fifteen percent or whatever the case is, that all adds up, you know, leave it alone and then you have nothing to worry about. When it comes to I just left. How am I going to afford Christmas for my kids? Because we'll go without. We're used to it, we do it, we don't mind. But your kids, you know that we have this mindset, they've been through enough. We don't want to do that. So that? So you have all that also to fall back on, which is so important to realize that you have that you know you had just the smartest idea getting your credit card.
Speaker 2:Yeah, getting the credit card. I want to add real quick on to what you just said, though, because I think it's important, like the get upside and all that. There are so many rewards points programs out there, and I know people are like, oh there's so many and they're all scams or whatever. They're not all scams. I know people who do the get upside. My thing is look at your basic things that you need and make sure you can have access to them. Why not? If you're going to spend the money, why not get stuff free? Gas is a big thing, food is a big thing. That's why I like I love couponing, and I don't know a lot of grocery stores, at least out here, have like one day a week where there's one free item.
Speaker 1:And my.
Speaker 2:Thing is like I will take one free and if I don't even need it or use it, I will put it in those you know the micro pantry that we have so that somebody else might be able to use it. Who has been in that situation? But the thing is, take advantage of the points. For me, and some people might be out there that have the similar program, because it's offered across the country, it's called Scrip and my son did go to a private school, but public schools use it too, and it's a way that you buy gift cards and a percentage of like let's say, a $10 Culver's gift card. A dollar of that $10 gift card would go to pay my son's tuition, towards his tuition. So I'm getting $10 of Culver's for $9, basically, or I'm getting tuition. However you look at it, I would. I mastered that program and that's how I would use some of my cash to buy the gift cards. I would have a reloadable shell gas card that I would get gas. I would get Visa gift cards just the generic ones to buy whatever I need and to buy stuff that I didn't want him to know I was buying online or whatever like, like the $50 safe from Walmart.
Speaker 2:But use these programs and one of them yeah, I would say a credit card. There was one credit card I got that. It literally and they're still offering it, is it? It's I think it's capital one where you get the card and your first $500 that you charge on it. You literally get 200 cash back. That is, 200 free dollars, and my thing is I will charge. Well now, I charge the gas, I charge the electric bill, I charge the car insurance, whatever everything. I want the cash back and it's free.
Speaker 2:But my thing that I did, that I talked about yesterday, was in my safe. I got a card that I actually did not use. It was a blank slate, it was for whatever amount of money, but I kept it in my safe because that way I always knew that, even if I walked out of the house with nothing in that safe, I had that credit card. I could charge a hotel room for a night or a month, whatever I had to. I could go and charge food. I could get us clothes if we needed. I could get us whatever we needed, even if just temporarily, because I had a credit card. And I know credit cards I don't like them, I don't like having debt. But you know what, when times are desperate, you've got to do it. You can pay it back. You'll make the money back, you'll figure it out. But when you need something, right now, that credit card is magic Blank slate. Get it only in your name. Don't add any other uses, don't even mention your spouse or your partner. Get it in your name, keep it put away. Don't charge a damn thing on it. Make sure it's activated. That's a key. But always have that. But don't be shy about any rewards programs. I mean, I still do rewards programs now because it's just the way it is. My, my husband being a builder, he's at Menards like literally multiple times a day. It's kind of funny. But he always gets the 11% back, you know, and they add up.
Speaker 2:I have a card right now. I have a I forget what card it is. I have a United card that gets me miles that if I needed to get on an airplane to get to my godmother in Florida, I can get to the airport and get to my godmother in Florida. I have a card right now too, that everything I charge on it I get a certain percentage back and I use it for Amazon. So I constantly anything I need from Amazon and I do buy. Like you know, I love my coconut waters and my oatmeal and whatever. Like I mean honestly, I love my coconut waters and my oatmeal and whatever I mean, honestly, shampoo, whatever you need you can get on Amazon, sometimes for cheaper than the store. Yeah, but my rewards points are on there. It'll say, oh, you have $114 in rewards points. Well, that's fantastic because I need crap. So, and you're not paying for it because you have the points. So whatever you can take advantage of for free, do not be shy. And I love the restaurant idea because that is a really big one. A lot of restaurants do do that and I will argue.
Speaker 2:I took my son to a Pizza Hut pizza buffet when he was little and he took way too much, of course, and there was some left and I asked for a takeout container you know for the leftovers and they were like, oh, you can't do that. I said the hell, I can't. It's on his plate, you're going to throw it in the trash or I can take it home and feed him another meal and I'm taking it home. So you can either give me a container or it's going to go in my purse with probably two of your plates because I'll want to sandwich them together. But yeah, I got my takeout container, but you got to do what you got to do and don't be shy and don't be ashamed. Ashamed about it either. We all have to. Nobody knows what your circumstances are, nor is it their business, but there's nothing to be ashamed of. Everybody's got to survive and you got to do what you got to do.
Speaker 1:Yeah, another thing is do not, if you get your own credit card, like she suggested, which is really smart do not if you get your own credit card, like she suggested, which is really smart. Do not get statements sent to the house like, go ahead and start getting electronic statements. Set everything up to be electronic, because that way when you do move, you're gonna have to give them a new address. It can't be. You can't be tracked, um, that's really important. You know, if you get a throwaway phone, you don't have to give them any information, right, and so that's a big thing. Make sure you turn your location off. There are so many things that are tedious, like I literally have written. I can't even tell you how much stuff to just to prepare even the home, like I took. I used to get hit with a metal uh hairbrush, and so I went to the dollar store and got a plastic one. You know it's gonna happen. Make the sting a little less. You know, I mean, and it was a dollar, right, and then just a lot of times they don't recognize it. If we had a glass, like q-tip jar, um, he would throw the glass jar at me. Well, I went to the dollar store, I got the plastic one. You know what it adds up. I mean it does make a difference. These are things that you can do.
Speaker 1:I started to like have a garage sale Go through and tell him, say we're just going to get rid of stuff, and he's going to want the money. But guess what? You can start going through things and say do I absolutely have to have this? Do I get this away? Can I throw this away Like I? Literally you know in who kicked first.
Speaker 1:I went through the specifics of I used to take trash bags full of stuff that I didn't need but I damn sure wasn't going to leave him and I would take it. It would get ready for a garage sale and I would take it and go throw it away at a dumpster behind a grocery store. So he would have no idea. And guess what? If you're backing up to the garage, how are they going to know anyway? Right, if he's not there and you're putting the stuff in there and you just run it to the store, when you go to the grocery store, throw it in the back of a dumpster somewhere, then you're getting rid of stuff. I mean, that was stuff I wanted, but I didn't need and I wasn't gonna let him have. So I'd rather have the trash habit right. So I threw that stuff away.
Speaker 1:You go through things, take what you absolutely have to have. You know there were things that I'll never get back, and that's okay. But what I wanted more than anything with the memories of my grandparents and one of the things that this Jack did is he would rip up the pictures of me with my grandparents. I can't replace them. There's nothing I can do. I couldn't replace them. So I actually started to take them, make copies of them and put the copy in the frame and then take the pictures and put those in my safe deposit box. And so if he you know, if he ripped them, he wouldn't take it out of the frame. He break the frame. You know there was some I could never recover and you know there's things I couldn't do about that.
Speaker 1:But people were like how do you get so methodical with these ideas, like I had so many people? How did you get like such in a mindset place where you thought of all of these tedious things? Well, I was. I was pregnant and you know you clear the, the, the walkways, you clear anything from the steps because you want to make sure there's nothing he can grab at that moment and injure you with. You know it's like. Make sure, if you know it's going to happen, get into a safe spot. There's no real safe spot, but don't get in a corner. Whatever you do, don't get in a corner and don't have your kid. Try to be the knight in shining armor and be close to say get in your room, turn up your music. You want to save me, stay in the room, because it's only a matter of time before they go to the kids. I don't care what anybody says. I'm talking personally. I'm talking professionally. I'm telling you that animals are subject to this harm. That's going to be a matter of time and you literally just try to make sure you're not near any furniture because that can be used against you. Try to make sure you're not near any furniture because that can be used against you.
Speaker 1:I made sure stuff wasn't on the stairs. I never wore necklaces anymore. He made me wear his dog tags every day because he would choke me with them. I used to be the cute pregnant woman in a suit where I would wear a tie, and then you know here's Faith. Every once in a while you see the little tie kick. You know I loved it, but when I would get back to the house I didn't have the tie on, like I didn't, and a lot of times I wore it because I was covering bruises on my neck anyway. But you think about things of that nature like do not have anything in a glass jar, you know, because he would throw stuff all the time, I would change it into, you know plastic bottles. And if they said like, he would say why are you doing this? Where did my glass bottle go? Why is this not here anymore? Well, I got.
Speaker 1:You know you can go to the dollar store, you can go to Family Dollar, you can go wherever and get kind of decorative, you know whatever, even if it's not glass and it's not plastic, it's more of that rubbery stuff, and you make it a little more. You know decorative. You could say I'm just trying to make your house your house, because it was never ours. You make your house more. You know homely for you. I'm trying to make things look better for you. I'm just trying to make you happy, right? What you're doing is you're saving your life. You're keeping glass away from him or her, whatever the case may be.
Speaker 1:So you get things that can't be thrown at you and you get things that aren't going to cut you. You know it's going to be rubber or plastic instead, but they're cute and they're decorative and they're at the dollar store or whatever. But you know you wait one time. It only takes once. Where you get something thrown at you. I had a beer thrown at me. The glass cut me. The alcohol on top of the brand new cut does not feel good at all. You know, yeah, you can't take a beer and put it into a glass, you know, into a plastic unless they have a can.
Speaker 2:But there are other, many other things can do to to try and make this as tolerable as possible at that point and and unfortunately I don't want anyone to feel bad either, because at one point I felt guilty, because I thought, oh my god, I'm, I'm being manipulative like, I'm acting like a narcissist, but no, you're acting like a mom I remember saying he, he turned me into this. I had to be to survive. But one thing I want to add to what you just said. So when my son was two years old is about when I realized we need to get the hell out. We didn't get out until he was 17, unfortunately. But bad decisions, a few bad decisions along the way on my part, but we're okay now and that's all that matters.
Speaker 2:Emergency phone to teach your child to dial 9-1-1. And I, we would play in his playroom and I would play with him, you know, letting him dial 9-1-1, and it didn't take very long. You'd be surprised how quickly they learn. But I made sure he knew mine, my legal name, my actual name, not mommy, but my name, mommy Right, exactly Like isn't that everybody's name?
Speaker 1:I made sure he knew our address very clearly, succinctly, saying it, our phone number it is so important to have that information and for our kids to know it as well is that is critical mommy is hurt or my daddy, my daddy is mean to my mommy right now, I need you to come immediately.
Speaker 2:So, right, um, that was something that was important. And then I went further than that I use. I told my ex at the time. I said, oh well, every year we got to make sure that they get the guy at school, the fire department that comes in and says, oh, have an escape plan, and all that, and you know what. It's actually a good idea, not necessarily just for fire, but in case mommy gets hurt. And so that's what I would do with my son when we would play at home. I made sure he knew he had a little stepstool that he could get up, unlatch the window, open it up. He had a main floor bedroom and he had very clear instructions and I and I mean I, it was very hard.
Speaker 2:There were a lot of tears sometimes, but I would, I would, over time, train him that even if mommy is not, I would say, if mommy is sleeping on the floor or if daddy hurt mommy, or if daddy got hurt too, it doesn't matter, because I have to be fair, but I taught him how to put his little step stool, unlatch the one window, lift it up, jump. And I told him exactly whose house to go to. And the bang. I said I don't care if it's the middle of the night, you do not go help mommy, you do not give mommy hugs, you do not go to daddy. If you hear mommy screaming, you get out of this house and you go run to that neighbor and you pound on the door and you have them call 911. And and I mean he was two years old when I started this and that's a disgusting thing to have to go through with a two-year-old. You're going to make me start crying now too, but these are the things.
Speaker 2:And even when my son was 17 and we were still there when I actually found out that my ex well, he was in fact actually planning to kill me I started getting my finances in order as far as like making sure my life insurance that my son was the only beneficiary, my bank accounts. You do have to actually go to the bank and sign forms to say who has the right to the money, otherwise it goes. Most States it'll go directly to the spouse. That was probably the toughest few days of my life and I even made a binder and I still have it to this day where I wrote a note to my son. Oh, this is where the tears come. I just said what I had to say to him.
Speaker 2:But in there also, I told him you know, here's the attorney that you're going to call. This is a judge that I know, that is a good friend that you're going to call your here's mommy's. You know well, mommy, he's 17,. But here's the few people that. These are the people that are going to help you with this stuff.
Speaker 2:I assigned a friend that I. She's been one of my best friends for over 30 years and I trust her literally with my life. I assigned her as, basically, you know, the, not the beneficiary for the trustee or whatever, but until he turns 18 and and you know, with everything, and I did all this without my ex knowing um, because we were at that point divorce had been filed. But you know, until it actually happens, you're still legally married and there are laws allowing them to get things like life insurance and all that Um. But I think it's really important, because stuff I don't care about, but that I I just figured if he's going to actually kill me, if I'm going down, I'll be damned if he's going to get. Kill me if I'm going down. I'll be damned. If he's going to get a penny. If he thinks he's going to go buy a shiny new Mustang or something with my life insurance money, the hell he is. The joke would have been on him. So get your finances in order.
Speaker 2:It does not cost anything to do this stuff.
Speaker 2:You just have to sign a lot of paperwork and fill out a lot of forms.
Speaker 2:This stuff, you just have to sign a lot of paperwork and fill out a lot of forms.
Speaker 2:But that binder, like I said, I actually made for my son and I put in the insert.
Speaker 2:It was called the. I just said if I die and I still have it to this day, because you never know, and fortunately if I die now, it won't be at the hands of a monster Hallelujah and amen. But it's still, I think, a good thing to have because, especially if you have minor children or even if you just have somebody that you're trying to get away from or keep this with the person that you're trusting with your stuff, to say here to your kids here's letters from your mom, or if you make a video and put it on a jump drive for your kid. But I think it's important to think about doing that stuff. It's heart-wrenching, but do it while you're here and while you're of sound mind and while you're thinking about it, and if you have alone time, get that stuff in order. Get it in order because your kids, if they lose you, they don't need to deal with the hassle, nor does anybody of you know all the legalities of everything.
Speaker 1:Right, I really think we also need to do an episode on that. The you know those things and you brought this up, so this is going to be on you. But there are so many different avenues that people don't know about, and it's some of this is in my. Who Kicked First the memoir, the first book. Dana has not read it, my husband has not read it. Now Faith is begging me to read it and I'm like absolutely not. No, no, no, no.
Speaker 1:It is the memory of you know what I went through pregnant and there, for instance, her godmother God rest her soul passed away was a doctor and she was there through part of this. You know, once Faith was born and she read this and she said I triple locked my doors, I couldn't sleep. This was a redheaded Italian woman who went to court with me. You know she had no issue and she was like the horror of it. But there are things people don't know. For instance and this is just I wrote a letter to Faith pregnant and after the fact, in case, I passed. And you know, there was a moment when I did not know we were going to be released from the NICU at that point in time, and so we had no choice. Choice. I had just gotten out of a wheelchair, I was still trying to, I was not weight-bearing on my left leg after being kicked across the room, and so we had no choice. We went back and we had nursing and everything else.
Speaker 1:She had a tracheostomy, she had a feeding tube, she had epilepsy, she had the list was ongoing. And one morning and I to this day hold myself to this and I fault myself, I'm so angry. It was an open concept area where the dining room and the den and the kitchen were like, really, you know, open, and insurance of course doesn't give you a ton of supplies. And so she had just finished her overnight feeding and I stayed up with her around the clock. I was not going to sleep and I went in and she, I brought her in to with all of her stuff into the den and she had an apnea belt on has its own alarm. She had a pulse ox probe on its own alarm and had the settings up very high so I'd have plenty of reaction time. A tracheostomy individual is not audible unless they have a pasty mirror valve cap on, so she's not able to cry or I can't hear my own kid. So she has feeding tube.
Speaker 1:So her bag had finished and she was on what they call boluses, so like every few hours she'd get food in it and insurance didn't supply us enough bags so I had to constantly go wash through it. So I looked at her. She was fine, everything was great. Her apnea was on, her pulse ox was on, everything was on, all the monitors and machines were around her. She was in like a little bassinet thing.
Speaker 1:I walked, I unhooked the bag, closed the feeding tube on her and I went to the kitchen, turned on the water just to clean the bag. That's all I did. I made sure everything was on high alarm rates so I had plenty of time. And I hear in this exact tone, in this exact volume she's blue. That's what I hear. She's blue. And the reason I say this and this is a trigger, please, trigger warning. But you'll understand why I'm telling this story and as I get and I had the water going and all I was doing was cleaning out the bag and pushing through, I was kibosh in the bag with water and I turned off the water and I look and she's lifeless. She's completely lifeless.
Speaker 1:I run over there and I immediately grabbed the phone. Grabbed the cell phone because I wasn't allowed to have a home landline because then he couldn't see who I was calling and I dialed 911. I didn't even think, I just reacted and I hear a gun cocked to my head and I immediately would not drop the phone and I said my daughter is not breathing, she's tracheostomy dependent. And I kept saying his name over and over, out loud, like his legal name, and I kept saying don't just stand there, go open the door, don't just stand there. And I couldn't say he had a gun on me because he would have pulled the trigger. And I said go open the door, they're on their way. Go open the door, they're on their way. And I had an emergency bag. They make you prep an emergency bag and all that was already at the door. I wouldn't get off the phone. I'm doing CPR, I'm looking at her, blue and lifeless, just look like no response. And he's telling me to hang up the phone and I won't. And I have a gun to my head and I hear the ambulance, I hear the police and they literally are just not coming fast enough and I am doing everything I can.
Speaker 1:I've done an emergent trach change. There's no occlusion in the trach. So there's no reason why the trach would have been occluded. And when you have a trach you have a guaranteed airway. So why wasn't she breathing? Why I don't know?
Speaker 1:So the ambulance comes and they say let us have her, let us have her. They scoop her up, grab an emergency bag and before I could say a word, I was out when he was. When he heard them driving up, he took the gun, threw it under the couch. I went with them In the ambulance. They said we're losing her, we're losing her, we're losing her. I threw the paramedic. I threw the paramedic because most people are not trained on trachs. I started working on her. You have to be trained to go home. So I work on her and working on her and working on her, I had such tunnel vision, dana, when we got to the hospital I already had her in my arms. I jump out, I run and the doctor's like we've got her, let us have it, let us have her. As soon as I saw she was safe, I just lost it. I went down on the ground like just fell on the ground.
Speaker 1:A couple of hours later he shows up and looks at me and starts yelling at me in front of everybody, everybody and everybody knows about him. Everybody's seen it, because when they transferred her from the other hospital, my medical record went with her. So they knew I didn't say it, they didn't, I didn't have to, they knew. And he puts me up against the wall and says you made me come up here in traffic by myself because you decided to come up here with that stupid effing brat. Why didn't you just let her go? And I looked at him and I said you put a gun on my head. And I looked at him and I said you put a gun on my head. And he said I'm so sorry.
Speaker 2:No, don't ever be sorry.
Speaker 1:This is horrific. He said I didn't just put a gun to your head. I put my finger over that effing kid's trach and I watched her eyes and stopped breathing, because you pay more attention to that damn baby than you do me and I'm sick of it. And he said so I was just gonna get rid of both of you and I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. But you picked up the phone and you called 9-1-1 and because of that I couldn't do anything. And I looked at him and I said you what? And he said I put my finger over it until she stopped. How can you?
Speaker 2:I don't, how can it's a whole other episode. I think how can you as a human, being.
Speaker 1:look down at a baby, yet alone biologically, and watch life, come out of her and do nothing while she stares at you wanting you to help, Like nothing. So I threw him up against the wall and I told him to leave. I called his command. They showed up, they did nothing. I told him what he said, they did nothing. So the reason I brought this up.
Speaker 2:I'm so sorry is because You're sorry. I am speaking for anybody that's listening. I am so sorry. It's because you're sorry, we're I. I am speaking for anybody that's listening. I am so sorry that you had that either of you had to endure any of this Cause. This I mean to say it's horrific, as an understatement. Everybody goes through stuff, but this is literally unspeakable horror. What you endured and what you're, and the fact that you and your daughter survived, this is a testament to you know your warrior spirit and why so many people respect and appreciate you, because of what you stand for and because what your daughter stands for, and it's the hope that we all have that we can hold on to that. Our situations nowhere near as bad. And if you can get through that and if your daughter can survive all that stuff that you guys went through, then by God the rest of us can too. But the reason don't ever, ever, ever be sorry, please.
Speaker 1:The reason I was telling this is because we ended up being admitted, re-admitted again. I begged them and they said they would re-admit us and they put us in a secured floor. And what a lot of people don't know is that this is very common in kids' hospitals. They actually even have a code. So they put us in a room, they locked down the unit and they had security on the floor. They took his picture and put it at every entrance and all the security guards had it, so they would know. They put us in a room and outside of the door they had us under a totally different name and it said that we had to be in all protective gear. So you had to go to the nurse's station to come in the room because the child had to be around.
Speaker 1:Okay, here, and we had. We're in a room that had a back door and I never even knew these existed so they could get us out quickly. And it took us. The back door took us back behind the nurse's station and they could get us out. And to know that? I mean, and not only did they have the unit locked and they had security at the door of the locked units, but they had security constantly walking, looking and letting us know if they saw him.
Speaker 1:And what people don't realize is if you are in a hospital and you have your child there and your partner, your spouse, your significant other, whatever the case may be, protect your kid, whether you're staying, you're getting out, you've gotten out. And they find out that your child is in that hospital, for whatever reason. He used it to get to me. That's what he wanted. But you can tell them. Talk to the director of security, talk to hospital administration, because they will put another name on the door. They will not have your child's name listed if somebody called they. You know, michael, my husband now actually knew what was going on and he actually tried to come up to the hospital, saying he was idiot, to see if they would let him in, and they didn't. He wore a baseball hat. Now, granted, my husband now is like six, two, six, three, and idiot was not, and so, yes, there was a very difference in an appearance.
Speaker 1:Um, but you, you can do these things to put safety measures in place. And you know, you know I am a gun-carrying person. I know a lot of people are against guns. I am not. I carry everywhere I go. I carry a ton of knives everywhere I go and I know people are very much against that and they say how did you do that, victoria, when you've been stabbed? It wasn't the knife that stabbed me, you know. You have to keep that in mind and you're not supposed to have a gun in the kids' hospital. You know what? I'd rather ask for forgiveness, because you're also not supposed to have a dead mom and child in the hospital. And so I carried with me and any time that door opened, I drew and you know, yeah, it was under the bed and nobody saw it, and you know it was down at my leg. But I was prepared because you never know. And so there are things that you can do to, you know, make sure you're safe.
Speaker 2:You can get alarms for your windows that are really cheap If you once you first get out these are in the baby section, even at a Walmart or anywhere, I think even dollar general, yeah, yeah, for all your windows. They're like very, very cheap, like dollars that it just sets off a hype. Very, very cheap, like dollars that it just sets off a hype, a very high pitch. Right, if anything is open, put them on doors, put them on the windows, a hundred percent you can get wireless doorbells.
Speaker 1:I mean we need to do an episode on, you know, on this kind of thing, because it makes a difference, it makes a huge difference. But you know, like I said, the reason I was telling this is because there are things that can be done. And you know, when you say it's only me, it's only me. He hasn't hit the kids, he hasn't hit the dog yet or whatever. He shot and killed my six month old dog to show what he would do if I tried to leave. And the puppy was six months old and the dog did nothing wrong. Nothing, yeah, and that's what the animals are always abused.
Speaker 2:And so, if you care about something, my exes always say you love that cat more than you love me, you love that dog more than you. And I did, but I didn't say that, but they didn't. They met deaths earlier than they should have. And we also had farm animals that I won't even get into the cows and the pigs and the chickens. But they, if it hurts you, they will do it. They will stop it Nothing.
Speaker 2:And the more malignant they are, I mean, yeah, we just don't look at it the way you would look at the situation. You know you're an abuser, you know what they're capable of. Don't ever dismiss that gut instinct, even if you're thinking, oh, they might be able to do this. Oh, but they wouldn't. Oh, but they might. So have a plan in place. Get everything like you said. Do what you can to minimize it sounds terrible to even have this conversation but to minimize the damage, minimize.
Speaker 2:I knew he was an a-hole literally the second I met him, but I never, ever in a million fricking years, would have thought that 25 years later this man would be planning, like literally fricking planning, to kill me, just like I. I'm sure I mean, you knew your ex was a dick too. Probably at some point it occurred to you, but you don't actually think that somebody, that or that that would happen to you. The things that have happened, I mean that's not normal to be stabbed in the eye and cut up and and to have somebody kick your, I mean these are things no human being with any conscience would do. It is so morally corrupt any conscience would do. It is so morally corrupt, like that's putting it so lightly. But please, anyone listening, do not think that just because, oh well, it's not that bad, yeah Well, it wasn't that bad when the first thing that happened with my ex was him throwing a compact disc case across the room at my head, yeah, not that bad. You know what Worse things have happened to people.
Speaker 2:But then it went. How many years later? You know it's a little bit more, it's a little more, it's a little worse every time. Then it's doors coming off hinges, it's holes getting punched in walls. Then those punches start getting directed at your face and you're ducking and missing them. Then it's a crowbar, then it's prescription drugs. I mean, I'm just going through my little resume of fun, but it's not anything anybody would ever expect, even if you think they're capable. You talk yourself out of it because you're like who does this? Nobody in their right mind does this. He's an a-hole or she's a B-I-T-C-H or, my favorite word, a twat waffle. But you know, whatever you don't think they're actually going to do these things that are only done in movies or on 48 hours or any true crime. And then it happens to you and you're like, oh crap, so don't, don't talk yourself out of it. But I always say follow your instinct. You know them best, you know that. Look in their eye. You know when shit's going down. Right, be ready, be ready.
Speaker 1:Yes. Well, I think we are good on this episode today. We have more to cover and that was intense. That please, you know, give us what you've done, give us some suggestions, some things you've done to help with the money part of it. Just be safe, keep your kids safe. You know, nobody that has gone through what we've gone through is judging you, because I know so many people on the outside do. It'll never happen. It'll never happen. You know, I'm going to close with this part.
Speaker 1:I did a speaking engagement once and I literally had somebody you know in there and I was like it's one in four, that's reported. So if it's reported, what are the real numbers? Let's be real. And so I was like that's the, you know the three ladies in front and me. So there's your four. And so I was like that's the, you know three ladies in front and me, so there's your four. And so I had a lady say, you know, she was just you, just bless her heart, right. So she, she literally was like well, my daughter is here and the reason we're here is because I want someone to explain to her that it's her fault. Because she kept saying and I was like okay, you're the one I want. You're like you're, you're this, is this, is it? And so I literally was like okay, so let me ask you a question.
Speaker 1:I was like so you believe in in your head that it's your daughter's fault for staying in this relationship? And she was like absolutely. And I said let's just take a minute and humor me if you will. And I said God forbid, have you, are you a survivor of cancer? And she said no. And I said so, have you survived domestic violence? And she goes I would never let a man hit me, never, never. I was like my end donor said the same thing. She said the same thing and I said okay. I said well, good for you on both, congratulations.
Speaker 1:I said, but let me tell you something. I said, god forbid. Let's say, you come up with a brain tumor. Okay, next week you get headaches. You go to the doctor, you have a brain tumor, it's stage three. And I was like God forbid.
Speaker 1:I said would you go to a podiatrist? And she goes what? I said, that's a foot doctor. I know what podiatry is. And I was like, okay, would you go to a podiatrist? And she goes that's stupid, that doesn't make any sense. And I said well, neither does you judging her, telling her that it's her fault for staying, because if you have a stage three, which could be terminal which is her situation and you're telling her that she deserves, she's already getting it every which way. For you to continue to tackle her verbally is just making it worse, because she's already losing her self esteem and her self worth. And you're turning around and saying this I said if you have stage three cancer and it's brain cancer, you're not going to go to a podiatrist.
Speaker 1:Why? You're going to want the very best. You're going to want someone who's been there. You're going to want someone who is trained in it. You're going to want the best surgeon possible to get out what the trauma is, get it away from you and make you heal. Right, and she goes right.
Speaker 1:I said so you're going to go to the top surgeon? Yes, of course. Okay, well, do you think you need to be giving her advice on what she should be doing? No, and she's like I guess not. And I said right, she should not. She absolutely should not. And so I looked over and I said you're on your own path and nobody else understands it unless you've been through it. Right, nobody else gets it and for you to need someone, even if you don't understand it.
Speaker 1:And I said to this I said are you her mother? And she's like yeah. And I looked at her and I said I'm so sorry. And I said I have one, just like it. And I said let me tell you.
Speaker 1:First of all, do something for her. If you don't know what to say, shut up. Just be there for her. Be in a room with her. Extend your hand out. Don't take hers, because so much of hers has already been taken. So much, metaphorically, of her has been taken. So if she just needs you to be in a room with her where she knows she's safe and she's not going to get hit or cussed out or yelled at or belittled, just be quiet, because that speaks volumes. If she reaches for your hand, hold it. Don't discuss anything unless she wants to talk to you. Don't talk at her. Listen to her. Don't talk down to her. Listen to her If you think she deserves it. Don't offer her a place to stay, because when she gets there, all you're going to do is give her grief about it. Listen to what she has to say. Pretend for just a minute in your life of perfection, that that is your trauma surgeon, because one day you might need her, because right now she needs you.
Speaker 1:And when I got done talking with her, the girl came up to me and said I want you to sign my book. That's how I found you and you saved my life, because I was going to take mine because I had no one. And I said then you are who I wrote my book for. And I said not only am I giving you my signature, I'm giving you my personal cell phone number, my email. You reach out to me any time of day and I promise you will get me and I will listen, I will be there for you. I won't say a word. I will support you. You have my ears, my hands, my heart, my shoulder, whatever you need, because that is what makes a difference and that is authentic. Until you have walked this journey, you have no idea what that path is like.
Speaker 2:So either support or get the hell out of the way, because you're only making it worse 100 percent, and I want to just let me add to that by saying that if there is anyone that's out there, that's one thing. That, victoria, and a contagious smilecom, and you can get me at Dana s diazcom there. You'll find the contact information there. Or go on our socials. I'm on Instagram and tick tock, you're on Facebook. Instagram, tick yeah, you're everywhere. So don't hesitate to reach out. Understand, however, we are human. We might be in different time zones, we might be taking a shower, having dinner, taking care of a kid, an animal, so if we don't respond immediately, give us that grace, but do know that we will personally respond if anyone wants to reach out, that needs anything, or just wants to vent or talk, whatever. No, we're here for you, no, but we don't want anyone to ever feel alone like we did.
Speaker 1:Yes, and we have so much more to talk about on the next episode. Thank you, we always do, yeah, yeah, all right, we'll hear from you guys soon and we will talk to you guys soon. Stay safe and know you're not alone.
