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A Contagious Smile Podcast
A Contagious Smile is a powerful platform dedicated to uplifting and empowering special needs families and survivors of domestic violence. Through heartfelt stories, we shine a light on the journeys of extraordinary individuals who have overcome unimaginable challenges. Their triumphs serve as a testament to resilience and strength, inspiring others to rediscover their own inner light. Each episode features candid interviews with survivors, advocates, and experts who provide valuable resources and insights to support those on their own paths to healing and empowerment. Join us as we celebrate the power of resilience, the beauty of shared stories, and the unstoppable spirit of those who turn adversity into hope. Let us guide you in rekindling your spirit, because every smile tells a story of courage and transformation.
A Contagious Smile Podcast
The Road to Healing is Paved with Self-Love and Setting Boundaries
Taking a deep breath becomes an act of revolution after escaping narcissistic abuse. In this raw, unfiltered conversation, Faith and Dana step away from their usual format to share profound insights about life after abuse—and why that journey is worth every difficult step.
Faith arrives emotionally drained from six days of intense advocacy work, including a harrowing six-hour standoff, prompting a candid discussion about the toll of supporting those still trapped in toxic dynamics. Rather than dwelling in darkness, they pivot to the transformative healing possible once survivors cross to the other side of trauma.
Dana vulnerably shares how her 25-year marriage to a narcissist nearly killed her—literally. Her body deteriorated to 93 pounds, requiring constant oxygen supplementation as her organs began shutting down, with oxygen levels dangerously low at 83%. Yet within five years of freedom, her health dramatically improved, demonstrating the profound physical healing possible when removed from toxic environments.
The conversation weaves through practical strategies for reclaiming joy after abuse. From Faith's simple act of getting her nails done—a rare moment of self-care—to Dana's liberating realization that she could eat ice cream for dinner without following her ex's rigid rules, these small victories represent monumental steps in the healing journey. Their shared wisdom crystallizes into a powerful question survivors can ask themselves: "What do I want?" A question that feels revolutionary after years of putting everyone else first.
They tackle complex issues with compassion and occasional humor—discussing how childhood conditioning shapes adult behaviors, the physical manifestations of emotional abuse, and why leaving abusive situations is rarely simple. The conversation acknowledges the reality that narcissistic abuse affects entire families, with children's core beliefs about themselves largely formed by age seven.
Join Faith and Dana for this life-affirming reminder that peace, joy, and renewed health await on the other side of narcissistic relationships. If you're struggling, remember their parting message: "You are worth fighting for and you can get past all of this. You are not alone."
or good afternoon and welcome to another episode of narc. Narc who's their help? Dana and I are both gasping for air today I literally am, and it's on me, it's my bad, it's okay.
Speaker 1:No, no bad, you fit. You know we what we're just talking about because people are just entering in. Yes, I felt that we needed to take a deep breath because you know there are these involve myself in some things and I don't anymore, but you know it's really heavy and it's really an intense. So you know, I'm glad that we have this show, that we can help people divert or, you know, turn around when they see a collision ahead and avoid, avoid the crash altogether. But my goodness, it just when you're in it, even when you're not participant in the situation directly in the relationship, being an outsider looking in, it's a lot, it's really. It affects the kids, it affects families, it affects neighbors, it affects the friends, it affects everybody.
Speaker 2:This is probably one of my worst top three in-person advocacies I've ever done and without you know, being specific, I was it's been every single day for five, now six days, and there was even I was involved in a six hour standoff over the weekend and I'm like and then you know the sheriffs are like will you come to work for us full time? No, you know, we're going to call you out on every TV. No, and I'm like, you know, I might just be at that point, honestly, dana, where it's like if it's virtual and I can help, great, I love that. I really want to almost focus just on the healing and helping people get past. You know, once we're on that journey of healing and seeing the light and love and all that down the road, I'm just too old for this shit, like you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I do. We were talking about that, but that's why I made the decision. You know late last fall that I wish everybody well, but I mentally, for my peace and to protect my peace, I am focusing on the healing as well. I want I want to get people where they're out and they're ready, because not everybody that's out is ready to heal A lot of people and.
Speaker 1:I was one of them held onto the victimhood. You know they don't understand that there's life beyond that and that their life is not defined by what they've been through. But um, I just, you know, I think we need to remember that there's a lot of people out there that are still in it, like very in it, and you know, just one little aspect I'll throw in there before we move on. But I just have to say, as I shared with you you know you were telling me more details about this and it's interesting that one of the parties in this relationship is the one that reached out to you claiming to be the victim.
Speaker 2:But it turned out which was the woman. I'll say that the woman reached out.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I didn't want to reveal anything, but yeah but it turns out the other person is actually the victim, but they also seem to have narcissistic tendencies, so it's almost like the lesser of the two victims, if that makes any sense. But gosh the irony. But how typical of narcissists. It's interesting because I actually just made a comment on a post on Instagram this morning where they were talking about how you know narcissists. You know they go to family and friends and they're the victim of you when you were the victim and it's like, well, of course they are. Of course they are because they cannot take accountability and you have to be the bad guy because they're not going to go around and say, oh yeah, I did this. And well, some of them will, but you know, very rarely will they admit to anything and if they did, it's your fault anyway. But what a, what a shit show. I'm just going to say it.
Speaker 2:Oh, please, it is. And. I mean it's oh, I said dogs and your kid and you, I mean no, no, I know, and Faith had been out of it completely until the defendant literally tried to inhibit me from leaving a public place today. But other than that, faith, faith never goes on scene with me.
Speaker 1:No, but the reality is is that this stuff when you're dealing with it? I mean, people say, leave work at work. But the reality is, especially when you're dealing with domestic violence and any kind of abusive situation, you do take it home with you. I mean one of the things like it when I was married to my first husband, even with my own kid I he doesn't, I would say he witnessed or was around for maybe a quarter of all the things that happened. He doesn't even know the half of it and all of it didn't even make it in my book. But we try to when we're with our kids, be present with them.
Speaker 1:But when we're carrying all this heaviness in our hearts and in our minds, whether you're in that victim situation as a spouse and trying to still parent your kids or whether, like you, trying to help somebody that's in a situation and trying to get out and advocating, you still carry this all in your heart, you know, and in your mind and it goes into your home then and and you know, it's just this effect and I think that's why we have this widespread I mean I would say this is an epidemic, more so than you know. Covid or anything else is like this idea that people are just this. Negativity and toxicity just spreads like a cancer into everything and everybody around it and it's just disgusting.
Speaker 2:So we're going to do a complete opposite. I am going to apologize ahead of time, but if I even gave you the specifics of the last six days of my life, y'all would be like I get it, okay, no problem, yeah. And so we're going to just spin it a little bit and I'm going to put the questions to the side, and what we're going to do today is for mental health purposes. We're going to talk about the joy that you can experience once it's behind you, once you're over the rainbow and you get to see that you don't have to deal with this shit anymore, and it is such a beautiful.
Speaker 2:It's a beautiful view, it's a beautiful life. You don't have to deal with this shit anymore, Like you know, and it is such a beautiful, it's a beautiful view, it's a beautiful life. You don't have to deal with this. You can have love and you can have. You can have safe and easy breathing. You can breathe knowing that.
Speaker 1:That's what it is. You can breathe. Yeah yeah, literally and figuratively.
Speaker 2:It literally and figuratively like you can literally just inhale and exhale and just be like it's gone. I mean, the best way I explain it to people is if you've never been in this situation, God bless you. But it's like being chronically asthmatic in a room of a smoker's lounge and everybody's lit up and there's no windows and there's no doors and you're in this environment. But when you're out and you're no longer there, you're in like this huge open field and all you have is fresh air and a beautiful scenery and you don't have any of that toxicity anymore and life is so much better and you can get there. You can get there and then you get to be happy and you get to be healthy and you get to feel better. And that is where I think we need to focus today, because we haven't done that and it's so imperative that people realize they can get there.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I want to as an example I won't take up too much time. But you know we're talking about the breathing and my first book was called Gasping for Air and it's not. People think it was just a title and expression, but it was a reference to the lung syndrome and the autoimmunity that I developed as a direct result of living in fight or flight mode for so long and what I want to explain to people, because it does relate to everything you just said. Again, I developed this. You know, childhood, two narcissists raised me, marriage, 25 years with a narcissist. By the end of that me, the girl who ran five miles every day and coached cross country and ate chicken and avocados and hard boiled eggs and very healthy was told that she had a lung disease because I could barely move. I could. I want people to understand.
Speaker 1:By the end of that marriage, um, I had dropped down to 93, very skeletal pounds. I could literally barely move, like my body the best way I could describe it, and it sounds like an exaggeration, but it felt like rigor mortis was already setting in, like I was moving, very. I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe. The doctor said my body was actually shutting down. Yet I was alive and I had to have. My heart rate was so low that I had to have a backpack oxygen machine with the thing every single day. And to give people a perspective on my breathing, during COVID they said if your levels of oxygen, your oxygen saturation, were 93% or lower, that you were in a very serious, severe state. With COVID, yeah, my levels at one point dropped as low as 83%. Point dropped as low as 83%, 83%. I could not stand, I could not. I literally laid in bed and God love my husband, doug, because you know I've known him a long time, so he was obviously, you know, around during, you know, the end of my first marriage, when all this was happening, that he was there to take care of me because my ex would have left me for dead. But Doug was the one who was cooking a little bit of white rice and a little chicken, making sure I had toast, something to keep me going and helping me when I needed to walk because I literally couldn't walk. Some days literally couldn't walk because I couldn't effing breathe. But now that I have been out and it's only been well, honestly, it's only been. It's not even been four years, just shy of four years since my ex finally moved out of that house, right or no? This is 2025, five years. I'm sorry, I can't count Five years, but I maybe had to use my oxygen machine two or three times last year just for like an hour or two, Cause my oxygen was short, gets humid and whatever in the summer. But I'm healthy. I'm a healthy weight again. Things are good.
Speaker 1:But it was because of the toxicity of being in that situation and if I had stayed, I'm telling you right now, I would have died. I'm telling you right now, I would have died. My body had turned against me. Even my body was telling me Dana, this is not, we can't live in that, we cannot survive in this environment. But I say this not to depress people, but to give people the realization. But I say this not to depress people, but to give people the realization.
Speaker 1:I went from being perfectly healthy to being very, very, very sick. When you have to walk around with an oxygen machine on your back, that's pretty bad, like every day, every second. I even had to sleep with one of those stupid machines which I can't sleep on. That thing is, yeah, that's just suffocating in itself. But now I'm good. I'm good because I'm out and because I'm with a man that's kind to me. I mean, I don't ask for much kindness. You know that speaks positivity and I think it's really important for people to understand. I know it's hard. When you're in the situation you don't see a way out, you think, oh, I just wasn't meant for this life, or God is mad at me. Believe me. I said all those things you can get. You just have to make the choice. You have to decide. I'm done with this shit. I want out and choose yourself for once.
Speaker 2:Right, absolutely yeah, you have to, and that's what you need to do and and it's amazing you think that I'm in this dark place and I'm never going to get out. And I tell people all the time remember that you have survived 100% of your darkest days. And I know I sound like I'm on repeat, but that is such a powerful statement, you know, when you think about it.
Speaker 2:I mean I was laying on the floor going, just take me, I can't do this another day. And then faith would kick me and be like I'm here too, mom, because I was pregnant with her. And then I was like I have survived 100% of my darkest days. That's a pretty doggone, good, impressive record. And you think about it and then you think you know what. So let's just start.
Speaker 2:Small People are like well, I can't go from one to the other. It's not a light switch, no, it's not. But start celebrating the little things. Celebr, like celebrate the tiniest of milestones. It's like being a mom to special needs.
Speaker 2:I never heard Faith until she was two and a half years old. I didn't get the baby moments, I didn't get to give her a pacifier because of her mouth, and she didn't get to take a bottle. She was G-tube fed and so like there were a lot. But you know what? There's not one minute I take for granted. The first time I heard her was the biggest moment for me, and you celebrate every single solitary thing and the little moments that you're like, wow, I did that. Or say something like you know, oh, I did something I haven't done since I've left my abusive relationship. And then you surprise yourself with I am so proud of myself because I did that. And then you celebrate the next milestone and the next, and then you're like, wow, I, I went a whole hour without thinking about it.
Speaker 2:There's trauma, anniversaries, there's all these other things you know like there's. Sometimes when things happen on TV, I can't watch them. But then you get to the point where it's like I just realized I watched that and it didn't faze me. And it's not like you're trying to torture yourself because you're not. But you can get to the point where things are so beautiful and you recognize the beauty and things, like everything happened, like I would never have met dana and she.
Speaker 2:I told her before we leave her, you can never leave me here, you can't quit me because she is the sister I always, always wanted and never had, and I adore her to the moon and back. I do, and and I can't say enough about her because I think she's such a beautiful person and she has gone through hell and she's come out on the other side and I know from not personal experience, but Faith, you know, got down to nothing and weight and she looked like just a skeleton with a layer of skin and it was so scary I was afraid to hug her, I thought I would break her Full organ failure. And now look at her, it's the same thing with Dana. And it's the same thing with Dana and it's like you celebrate that growth, you celebrate that life and you realize. You know, I think I shocked her because I never, ever, ever do anything for myself.
Speaker 1:Ever I haven't. I haven't been on a vacation in 20. And your nails look fabulous, by the way, I meant to tell you, that's my, my favorite color.
Speaker 2:I haven't been any. I haven't been on vacation in 20 years. I haven't you know like nothing. And I texted her on Saturday and I and it was before the standoff and I was like I'm just tired.
Speaker 2:Something is like telling me to go do something by myself. Dad is doing something with daughter right now. They're doing some stupid whatever video I don't know, video game, I don't care. I said I'm gonna go do something for myself. And she's like what, what are you doing?
Speaker 2:And I was like I'm gonna go get my nails done. That is so out of character for me and I'm so glad that I did because I sat there and got them done. I made sure there's no sharpness to them, which I know people are. Like what? Because when I got on the six hour standoff I literally, if I showed you I have like a hundred bites on me because I was outside with the pollen, in there with the bugs for six hours and I was like I was telling the officers. I said I need to go take a bath in Benadryl and I'm so glad I can't scratch, because I would have just scratched my skin raw and it was. It was just like I. I took a half a tube of she's gonna laugh when I show you this the Benadryl lotion. I took half of a tube and slathered it on me like slathered.
Speaker 1:No, I'm not laughing because I'm yeah, I'm a type B positive blood, so mosquitoes and things love me, so I understand. Yeah, I slather too.
Speaker 2:Do something for yourself that you never, ever would think about doing. You know something small that you just were like, you know, but to you it's such a big deal. It is such a big deal to do it and to help with, whatever anybody else thinks. You know, I and I'm going to use my husband as an example when we dated 25 years ago, I lived and breathed for that man Like I believed. He I knew right off the bat. He was my soulmate.
Speaker 2:He was obsessed with the appearance of his significant other and so I lived in the gym seven days a week. He said if you gain any weight, you know, which is a narcissistic comment, and I have said this to him. You know he was very obsessed about it. He was like. You know, I like long hair, so my hair was down past my waist and he was like if you ever cut your hair or gain weight, I'm going to dump you.
Speaker 2:And here I am the senior executive in the corporate world and I'm an instructor at the police academy. And I'm like what? And you know, I was so faithful to this man and little did I know that his swingy dingy was in everything else and I had not one clue. I didn't have an idea because I was so blinded by the fact that I thought I found my soulmate. He's everything to me, and the day I found out he had lied to me for four and a half years, I broke it off instantly. And what did I do? I whacked my hair just gone gone. And he was like you're not allowed, you know, I don't like girls with tattoos. I went and got one and it was just all. It was my very first one and it was just like why do we live to make others beside ourself happy?
Speaker 1:Right, I mean well it's because we've been conditioned. We care so much because society tells us that that's our duty. I know these are outdated beliefs about male and female roles, but I don't care. There's still people the baby boomers and up, I hate to say, and even some of our generation, generation X believe that. You know, this is how a woman's supposed to be and that's how a man's supposed to be, and we can all say it's garbage, which I think it is. I think just be whoever the hell you are, and if it's not okay for somebody.
Speaker 1:But I was also that person because I had two narcissistic parents that I was trying to get approval from, that I had a narcissistic husband that I just wanted to love me. And we do what we do. We go by society's rules, we go by the rules of our house, we go by the rules whether they're implied, written or verbal of the people that we surround ourselves with, because we want everyone to be happy, because we as women are supposed to make everybody happy. And there are a lot of men out there too. You know, and I hate to say my husband's one of them, that you know he was the fourth of five children and a very, you know, with a very domineering father. I loved my father-in-law, but you know very domineering man who said this is how it's going to be and everybody better damn well listen. And when, when you're in those circumstances, you learn to appease, and that's what I think this world has come to. Is you either appease everybody or you basically live like totally the opposite way, like F everybody, and I don't know. I've leaned now in my healing more towards that. I wouldn't say F everybody, but I live my life and I encourage others to do the same, because one of the things I have discovered with narcissists is that I'm too much for some of them, I'm not enough for others.
Speaker 1:But when I opened my eyes and started healing, I was just freaking fine, exactly how I was, just like you are. And every other person on God's green earth is just fine how they are. Every other person on God's green earth is just fine how they are. We are all imperfect, we all have flaws, we all have issues, we all have things. I love when people say oh, I don't have mental health problems, mental health isn't an issue. Physical health and mental health are the same damn thing. You exercise them, you maintain them, you want to be healthy. But, believe me, the way this world is, everybody's got freaking issues mentally and physically, so nobody is better than anyone else. We're all just going through the same damn thing, rolling around in this ball in the sky until we die. So I'm just going to be, and I want others to just be.
Speaker 1:Take out the judgment, take out the shame, take out the bull of what other people make us feel like we're supposed to conform to. I'm tired of conforming, I'm tired of norms. Yes, I'm a law abiding citizen. I believe in God. I'm not going to be some criminal, crazy person on the streets, but we got to just be.
Speaker 1:And I love that you did something for you, because the other part of it is that we're made to feel selfish. If we do something for ourselves yes, right, it's selfish Then we're called a narcissist and then we're called all kinds of other things. But you know what? I go back to this. I go back to the airplane. When you get on a plane and the flight attendant's doing the whole thing, telling you if you end up in the water, here's the floaty under your seat, if it's even there anymore, if the thing you know the plane's going down, grab a mask, although I'll never understand that, because you're going to die anyway.
Speaker 1:So why do you need to breathe? I know I don't understand it, but they say you know, put the mask over yourself first and then put a mask over. They say your child. But I put a mask over. They say your child, but I'm like, oh, that's nice Cause if you have three children.
Speaker 1:Then you got to pick your favorite. And what about your husband? Like you know, he probably doesn't know how to do that either. And you got to pick your favorite person, basically. But the reason you don't put it on them first is because you're no good to them If you don't take care of you. You got to breathe, you got to live, you got to be good, right, and so you need to do that. And I'm glad that life worked out that way for you because it's like God knew you needed to do you, because you were going to enter in this very time consuming, uh, multi-day situation. But even if we're not even for people out there that are just, you know, normal people living their lives, I mean, I remember the first night that I was in my house and my ex was at the first time. He was not there the first night that he had moved out and I didn't know what to do with myself because he had always dictated everything.
Speaker 1:And even though I I'm an intelligent woman with an independent mind. I was so used to following his rules because that's how the peace was kept. That was the only way to make sure my kid was okay, that I was okay. But I didn't know what the hell to do with myself. But I knew it was dinner time, but with him there were all these rules about dinner had to be, you know, a meat and two sides, but we couldn't have the same type of meat on two consecutive nights and it couldn't be leftovers. And and two sides, but we couldn't have the same type of meat on two consecutive nights and it couldn't be leftovers and the two sides couldn't be the same. I couldn't have two vegetables or two starches or two carbs, or you know, I had to intermix them. And I mean I literally like planned meals weeks ahead of time just to make sure I wasn't screwing something up. But I was like I realized, as I stood there, like I don't have to follow his rules, like I am, what freedom means I can do whatever the hell I want. And so my magic phrase that I still use to this day and that I tell everyone else, the magic words to say in any situation are what do I want? It's not selfish. What do I want?
Speaker 1:And you know what I wanted at that moment. I wanted butter pecan ice cream because that's my favorite. And we had a pint of butter pecan ice cream and I can't do dairy and I'm supposed to be gluten-free and whatever. But I said F it, I'm having a pint of butter pecan ice cream and that's what I did and it was the most delicious ice cream ever and I did it for me and it made me happy. So I just say, whatever you have to do to fill your little, you know, I call it the happy jar, you can call it your heart whatever you got to put those little deposits in, you know, daily, hopefully multiple times a day, because if you're happy, if you're content, if you feel good, then that's going to resonate with everybody around you. That energy definitely spreads to everybody your kids, your husband, all the people you encounter every day.
Speaker 2:Right and I am totally focused. I have nine cameras that I'm watching over here, the individual.
Speaker 2:I just showed Dana my phone. The individual is in my neighborhood and so she's not on my street and she's like two miles. I mean she's 0.2 miles from me right now, which is what I don't understand. When this was going on and I was her call at first, she says I want you to have my location at all times and the officers were like like don't say a word and I was like I'm not saying nothing. So she gave me her location and it lets me see where she is at all times and that's very important because she will just drive up and I wasn't watching where she was when I this morning, when I was at the store and she was directly blocking my vehicle so I couldn't get out. But I just pulled her up to see where she was and she's literally in my subdivision, like somewhere right now. So I'm just kind of watching to see, because one of her children are are here with me at the moment. So I'm just watching. But it sounds like you need to probably contact somebody well, not.
Speaker 2:I mean I can't do anything unless I, unless she actually comes here. You know her son. There's a TPO in place and she can't get near her son.
Speaker 1:I understand that that's what's wrong with the law. Though how many times have women gone to the police, or men, in all fairness, and said you know, I'm in a situation I'm scared. Well, we have to wait until they do it. You know, unless they come in the house, unless they actually assault you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they've got to do something dramatic. And it's not fair. It's not fair, it's trauma for this beautiful little boy when he even visually sees her I mean, most kids at that age are all about mom but he's like I don't ever want to see her again. You know she scares me, don't ever want to see her again. You know she scares me, you know I mean I, I just it breaks my heart to see what, what has happened here. And you know I, I, this little boy is like a little piece of heaven on earth.
Speaker 2:He's the cutest thing you've ever seen and he's so sweet and and he, he, I gave him this little thing that I have, I give to kids. It says it's a little pocket hug and it's so cute, and so he colored it in and I said I want you to hold it whenever you feel like you need a little bit of a hug, I want you to take it and hold it. So he looks at me and he goes can I have two of them? And I said you can have as many as you want. And he colored this in and he said this is for you. I want you to have it when you need a hug from me and I was like oh my like I was like can I adopt him like we?
Speaker 2:seriously, he's the sweetest, cutest little thing you've ever seen in your life. And he was just like I love you. And then he and here's the thing he texted me last night. He has a phone, he has an iphone, he has an iphone. And he texted me last night um at like 10 o'clock and was like I was just checking on you to see how you were doing, cause I'm sure you had a very hard day Seven. And I was like why aren't you sleeping? And he was like I was. I'm trying, I just can't.
Speaker 1:Well of course he can't Right. Incidentally, it is child abuse awareness month, it's April and I think it's important for people to understand whether you're the mom in an abusive situation or you have a narcissist anywhere in your life. Even if they're not physically abusing you, there's obviously, you know, psychological and emotional abuse, the gaslighting, the manipulation. It's not just going on with you, it's going on with your kids. Kids are for lack of better words and, to explain it easily, kids are hardwired by about seven years old as to how they're going to live the rest of their lives, what their ideas are about themselves lives, what their ideas are about themselves, what their ideas are about others. For example, this little boy I hope I'm very wrong, but may have an issue with women, may have an issue connecting with women later in life.
Speaker 2:I'm already seeing it.
Speaker 1:Right, you know different things like that, but seven is a very young age. You are hardwired by the time you are seven, and so when we have these careless people like my parents, like your parents you know I'm 49 and I am still undoing the muck in my head that affects every friendship, every romantic relationship, it affects work. I mean, I am pretty well healed, healed enough that I'm helping other people heal, but I am nowhere near finished.
Speaker 1:And I don't even know if there really is a finish line. I think you just keep going and it keeps getting a little easier, kind of like if you play piano, you just keep practicing and you keep getting better, but you know you'll never be Mozart or you know you might come close, but it's the same kind of thing. But if we think about that, give yourself that grace that whatever, whoever did this to you and whatever happened, I mean a lot of this stuff that you know we go through, even for people that say, oh no, my childhood was fine. I mean, my husband said that a million times over and he, everybody in our small town, oh, they're such a nice family. Well, you know, then there comes me, and it's interesting because my husband now like I'll look at him and I'll notice a behavior or a habit and you know tendencies and I'll be like did something like this.
Speaker 1:You know like I'll like say something about his childhood or ask him a question. He's like I never thought about it, like yeah, that's why you think you came from a nice family, but y'all got your shit. They, they done fucked you up like they done fucked the rest. And I don't forgive my language people, but seriously, like it is so astonishing that even so-called nice families and people think they're fine and no, they're not. And and I'm not picking on anybody but I won't share my husband's psyche and his issues. You know publicly, but like one small one, I'm sure he wouldn't mind me sharing. That, you know isn't necessarily mental health, but you know it's like I, when I first started um eating meals with him, I would notice like it would remind me of like when I was like 1984 at school, when I would put up my trapper keeper, like you know, stand it up and put it around. You know what I'm saying. That's what I envision. What, like when and my husband does this when he eats, he kind of like he's very tall and big, like same size as your husband, so he kind of like like hovers over his meal but he puts like his arms around and he has this thing like it doesn't matter where I place everything, he pulls it all in very close and has to eat, like it's like he's protecting his food. And I remember one day looking at him and I'm like, honey, I know you were the fourth of five children when y'all sat to dinner every night, did like your older brothers, like grab all the food, and your dad like, and you couldn't get any, so you had to protect what was on your plate. And he goes yeah, how'd you know? I'm like oh, it's a little obvious, it's a little freaking. You're like and he freaks out. I'm one of those people. I came from a Puerto Rican family. Like we all just like eat, eat, eat. I was like, oh, you're not going to eat that. Or let me try a bit and just reach over across the table. Oh, you should see his face like touching his. So it's interesting. And again, this is just a funny little light example.
Speaker 1:But think about how this translates to our mental health and the things that we do. You know my husband's 60, for God's sake, and he's still carrying this childhood crap into how he eats today. And there's no talking, like when he sits to eat. I used to get upset that he wouldn't converse with me, but it's because he feels like he's got to shovel his food down because otherwise somebody else is going to grab it or take his plate or whatever. And I'm like my goodness gracious, my Lord. So, yeah, it was interesting, like when we went to Spain and he'd never had had a European meal where there's like 500 courses and it goes on for hours and hours. 500 courses and it goes on for hours and hours. Yeah, it was like heaven to him. But he didn't understand that we all share off the same plate in European countries. You just take a little and wait for the next plate to come, but you know why don't we do that?
Speaker 1:with weight.
Speaker 2:Like you know, I'll give a little. I got a lot of back there so they can. I'll share it over this way and share it over that way.
Speaker 1:I wish I could just move the weight around my body Like I never had plenty to share.
Speaker 2:Like I'll give you a little something, something back there.
Speaker 1:I mean you know it was weird. Well, now we're talking about bodies, but, like, even when I was 93 pounds, I mean I, I, I did scare people. I remember the first time I looked at myself like really looked in the mirror and was like Holy, like I started crying and freaking out because, but I always had this little like I, I joke around and no offense, but I always felt like a 12 year old year, like Ethiopian that hasn't eaten in months, because it was like my belly stored all my fat. I was like Sandy the squirrel from SpongeBob, storing all the nuts in my belly, but I had not. I mean, you could literally see every vein popping out and all my bones. But I will always carry, like I have this little belly that people always think I'm pregnant, which is humorous in some situations. But you know it doesn't matter. I could be probably 70 pounds and I'd still look pregnant. It's a weird thing.
Speaker 1:Our bodies, I know, but our bodies are a reflection of our mental health oftentimes. Oh, great, thanks. No, I know, but I'm saying how we. Well, cortisol makes you gain weight. Cortisol is a stress hormone when you're in a toxic relationship.
Speaker 2:True. But I mean it also makes you lose weight, and if that's the truth, I should look like Calista Flockhart Well it's different For most people.
Speaker 1:It makes you gain, it keeps you, but it's not For me it makes me lose. I don't eat a lot of food. Right, your body's storing what it does eat, okay.
Speaker 2:I bet you I don't eat 1,200 calories a day. But that's not the point. The point is is that like my butt has its own zip code, you know, like I have a little dunk dunk back there. I think that you know. I'm just saying that.
Speaker 1:I have no butt, and so some people would want a little bit of a dunk dunk. Well there's a dunk dunkcom, by the way. Don't go on it Now. Everybody's gonna go on it. Somebody said something about that, and I'm one of those weirdos that's like oh let me go look and then I'm like oh my God, my eyes like never again.
Speaker 2:I love it Anywho.
Speaker 1:yeah, if you ever want to get rid of some butt. I could use some boobies and booties. I'll give you both.
Speaker 2:You know, I mean I got. When I got back together with Michael, he was like where are your boobs? And I was like what? They're still here. And he was like, yeah, but you used to be really chesty and so athletic and I was like I had a breast reduction and that was the best gift because my shoulder had to be replaced due to trauma and they were like you can't hold the shoulder boulders or whatever with the new shoulder and he was like the shoulder going to work. And so I was like what does that mean? And he says, well, we're going to have to do a reduction. And I was like thank you, jesus. And he was like you know, and we do a lift when we do it. And I was like what does that mean?
Speaker 2:And the doctor was hilarious. He's like so basically, that means you won't have, you know, your chest in your drawers. You'll never get furniture disease right, no, furniture disease. And I was like what? And he's like you won't have to wheel them up, like you know, like they're not going to be done. And I was like, wow, there, there's something lovely. You know, there's my silver lining in the dark cloud. And I was like I'm good at lunch.
Speaker 1:You ready, you ready to go? And he was just like you know you're going to have a reduction. I'm like no, I'm really okay with that, like I want it to be. And he was like I know multiple people who've had a reduction and they all say I mean they're like thank God, because, whether it was knees, shoulders, back, I mean it affects so much. I mean they're nice to look at. I mean if I was a guy, I'd be a boob guy. I can honestly say because I look at a nice chest and I'm like damn that looks good.
Speaker 2:I wish I had that.
Speaker 1:But then I don't, because, like, I've always been a runner my whole life and stuff, and I'd be like, yeah, like my sister, she, oh my God, that girl, I mean from the time she was 12 years old. The bazongas on that girl, jesus Christ, honest to to God, like even wedding pictures. I show her. She was oh my God, she's so beautiful. But her wedding pictures I mean, oh my God, I mean she is the most gorgeous creature ever created, but you don't even see that because her boobs, like they, just you can't not look at them. It's like you know, when women say, oh, my eyes are up here, yeah, but when you have those, how can I not? I'm a girl and I look like it's hard not to. Anyway, yes, I'm glad that I don't have big ones, but I'm glad that you had the reduction because I don't.
Speaker 2:I mean they're nice, but you know, I mean they're a pain, because you know, and I feel bad because Faith is little like you. I mean she's tiny little and she got them and she was like you know. I told her, when you get older, if you want a reduction, I'll talk to you about it. Like seriously, because she looks like a porn star. There's no other way to say it.
Speaker 1:I mean she does.
Speaker 2:I've seen.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I've seen in a couple, or even when she comes on to say hi once in a while.
Speaker 2:I'm like, my goodness, she is a little thing and she's got. She is so top heavy and like, if she goes, you know, around the house, I'm like you will like at night when it's bedtime she swaddle waddles. I call swaddle waddling and I tell her I'm like, babe, when you're in the house at night, if you had a shower, there's no white t-shirt, we're not headlighting, you know you can't headlight and I'm like you've always got to make sure those are. Don't. Don't walk around in a tank top and I was like without a bra on because you could hurt somebody like that.
Speaker 2:That, that's no you know, and she's like mom and I was like I know I'm sorry, I wasn't intentional that you got them, I promise you. And she's like, but you know, and, and she's the tiniest little frame, she's she. I was like, oh, she's gorgeous, she's freaking gorgeous. But holy crap, you know, and she's like mom, I love my body. I, yes, yes, you do look good, but if anybody tries to pay you for anything, I'm going to go a little redhead viral for this. But you know, people are like and men are like oh, I love big boobs, carry them around for a minute, you know like. You know, seriously, carry them around and then you won't, because they're just like men.
Speaker 1:Love having love, having sex I mean, who doesn't? But women are the ones that have to carry the babies that are made as a result, whether they're planned or not, and you know that's not as much fun.
Speaker 2:And you take something the size of a watermelon and squeeze it out, something the size of a lemon, and you complain to me later like are you kidding?
Speaker 1:just well. I just think every man should be at some point, you know, laid down, ass up and have his ass butthole torn open a little bit like three or four inches, like we're torn open and then sutured, and say, ok, come what, you can't leave the hospital till you pee and poop. You have to poop, you know, and then go out in the world.
Speaker 2:And you'll also bleed for another month. But you know I mean seriously and then like that's not bleeding, that is hemorrhaging, but yeah and they're like I'm too big, I'm in bed for a week, I have a man cold, I can't do anything. Are you kidding me? Here we are with our period and a cold and allergies and a fever, and we're still functioning. We're doing everything and you have an itty bitty little toothache. No, uh-uh, no, well, that was my ex.
Speaker 1:I mean, talk about. Well, when you're with a narcissist, everything's about them. But, yeah right, always like poor him, poor him, and I'll never. I think probably the first time I realized, I mean, I think I always knew he was a dick, but the first time I really got upset with him, like really angry Well, there were so many times so I can't say the first time. Anyway, now I'm thinking like everything's rolling in my head, but I just remember I had pneumonia. I was prone to pneumonia. I got it every year and they would not give me the darn pneumonia shot because I was too young and you can only have it every 10 years. So I am laid out and if anybody's ever had pneumonia it is the most god awful, horrendous, oh my God. You literally feel like death might be better.
Speaker 2:And it feels like you're dying.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it is so awful. My son was maybe two, roughly, and it was bath time and I was I mean, you can't even keep your eyes open when you're that sick. I was so sick, like I just I mean, I was on the couch and then next thing I know, I was being woken up by my ex. Oh, our son needs a bath. I was being woken up by my ex oh, our son needs a bath, can you go give it to him? Well, no, that's your job. I'm like I am definitely ill. And nope, I had to get up and give my son a bath. And what did my ex do? Sat on the couch and watch TV and I was just like, wow, that I think I guess what I'm saying. The first time. That was the first time I realized that all his crap was. You know that, that it was never going to be about me. I would never be considered. Yeah, only he would. Because he was yeah, oh, sniffles, I'm staying home from work. I'm like really, really, yeah, stay home from work, and he's drinking his Miller lights and watching impractical jokers, cause that's all he pretty much did with his life. So, yeah, fun stuff, and this is the stuff we have to heal from.
Speaker 1:And you know, even if that's the worst part of a relationship, it still affects you. You know, you get the frustration, the anger, the resentment, the grief. You know the grief of mourning what you thought it was and what will never be. And all this stuff, it's a lot. It is a lot. And people say, well then, if it's so bad, why do you stay? Well, we can have a whole, probably 10 episodes on why women stay. But I don't care who you are. You don't even have to be married, you don't even have to have kids. Right, you can have a dog. It's not easy to just up and walk out. Most people can't afford another rent, another mortgage, another household of utilities and dividing medical insurance because one to pay for medical care and you don't even get medical care even when you pay for it. But you know, it's just not easy. It's not that easy, it's not. Well, I'm glad we got a chance to divert a little bit. We need to do it more often.
Speaker 2:We are just getting more and more questions and comments and thoughts, and so we're going to have to like get back on it. But I want to thank everybody for listening and I have a cute little one who wants to come off camera and say hello to Dana. I want to thank everybody for listening and tuning in and we will get right back on answering questions and thoughts on the next episode. So keep your light on and realize that you are worth fighting for and you can get past all of this and you're not alone.
Speaker 1:You are not alone. We are here with you. Love y'all. Peace out 100%.
