Leaving An Abusive Relationship Starts With A Safety Plan

“Why don’t you just leave?” gets thrown at survivors like it’s a simple fix, so we slow it down and tell the truth. We’re Stucco, Rusty, Sexy Victoria, and Michael, and we talk through what actually keeps people in abusive relationships: isolation, money, kids, pets, housing, fear, and the very real danger that comes with trying to exit without a plan. If you’ve ever judged someone for staying, or blamed yourself for going back, this conversation is built to challenge that reflex and replace it with clarity.

Victoria brings the clinical lens and lived experience, and we dig into why the average survivor may return again and again when the safety plan is not in place. We also talk about the shelter dilemma and why “removing the victim” can feel like losing your home twice. From there, we get into trauma after survival: PTSD, complex PTSD, and the triggers that can show up in everyday life long after the relationship ends. We also call out how often obvious abuse signs get minimized in medical settings, and what trauma-informed care should look like instead.

We don’t stop at survival. We talk boundaries with family and “out of the woodwork” people who only show up when they want something, plus the difference between real change and manipulation. We go straight at narcissistic abuse and accountability, and we share what recovery looks like when someone finally chooses a different life. If you want practical support, we point you to a free escape plan course at Monstermile.mn.co. Subscribe, share this with someone who needs it, and leave us a review so more survivors can find these resources.

Transcript

Welcome And Unfiltered Banter

SPEAKER_05 0:02

Howdy y'all. It's another exciting episode of Contagious Smiles Unstoppable with Stucco, Rusty, Sexy Victoria, and yours truly Michael.

SPEAKER_00 0:14

You're hilarious. You know, I had someone ask where my or all the noise comes from, the sound effect, what sound effect machine we use. And it's me.

SPEAKER_03 0:25

It's my wife. My wife my wife can't do certain sounds.

SPEAKER_00 0:30

It's not funny.

SPEAKER_03 0:31

Really? Don't do it. Do the P S S T sound.

SPEAKER_00 0:35

No, because then I'll spit all over my microphone.

SPEAKER_03 0:38

Well.

SPEAKER_00 0:39

Shut up, Michael.

SPEAKER_01 0:40

But no, like seriously, because of in fairness, my whole face is metal, basically. I have like metal parts, screws, bars, plates, pens. You know, there's like 26 pieces of metal, and then there's metal in my mouth on top and bottom because of all of the damage caused. So I can't do some certain things. So I compensate. So there.

SPEAKER_05 1:08

Most men do.

SPEAKER_01 1:10

Not all. 16 too.

SPEAKER_05 1:12

Just singing. I'm more woman than man.

Diabetes Estrogen And Diet Changes

SPEAKER_01 1:15

You are. Your estrogen's a little like I'm a little jealous of that. It's a little cray cray, but that's fine.

SPEAKER_05 1:20

Yeah, I found out my A1C is my estrogen is what? 800 times more than mine. 800 times more than my wife. How is that possible? Anyway, I'm now diabetic. I've been on a diet. I've been doing the shots. My wife was also getting the what is called GLP? GLP.

SPEAKER_00 1:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:42

And you lost four and a half pounds on your first week, which is a big deal. That's great. But of course, you're like, that's not good enough.

SPEAKER_05 1:50

So unsweet tea, no carbonated drinks. No black coffee, no bread, no pasta. No, you're drinking black coffee right now. Creepy coffee. Yeah, creepy coffee. Shout out to Creepy Coffees.

Coffee Shoutout And Feeling Sick

SPEAKER_01 2:04

No, he's feeling better and he's been a little under the weather.

SPEAKER_05 2:08

Get on Creepy Coffee's website, buy you some coffee. And uh give him a shout out, give him a review.

SPEAKER_01 2:14

I just talked to Don. He is a little honored, but uh but he's getting better, so he's on the mend finally.

SPEAKER_05 2:20

Yeah, Eddie was uh a little sick. He was a little sick.

SPEAKER_01 2:24

I in fact was down and out all day today was laying his little lazy turd ass in the bed all day. You know what my listeners are saying? What else is new?

SPEAKER_05 2:33

Yeah, my bag is out, and I just I just couldn't do anything.

SPEAKER_01 2:37

Was it that time of the month?

SPEAKER_05 2:38

Uh that's a possibility.

SPEAKER_01 2:40

I mean, you know. Faith asked if I could take you for a training bra.

SPEAKER_05 2:45

Well, Faith can do something with her tiny testicles.

SPEAKER_01 2:50

This is so not okay.

SPEAKER_05 2:54

You said it. Okay, but we can't let the doctor screwed up and said that my daughter has testigos.

SPEAKER_01 2:59

No, it's not your daughter, my daughter. I have this had the scar from where they took her out of my and she is not an it.

SPEAKER_05 3:06

What is she?

SPEAKER_01 3:07

She is my baby girl.

SPEAKER_02 3:13

Bigger than most men.

SPEAKER_05 3:19

Speaking of big men.

SPEAKER_02 3:21

Oh boy.

SPEAKER_05 3:23

Ladies I wanna I wanna ask and we've been over this before. This is a serious question. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 3:31

Do I need a sound effect machine?

SPEAKER_05 3:36

Alright, let's l let me be biased here, y'all. Lord in a relationship. Okay, the man is the aggressor, okay? Not always. Woman I'm given the scenario. Oh, okay. Just remember who you work for. Alright. I said I'm gonna be biased here, okay? So just work with me. You're working for me. The man, okay? Which which you have estrogen? Which is debatable. In the relationship. Sure. The man the woman is the what?

SPEAKER_01 4:10

The innocent sweet person.

SPEAKER_05 4:12

Correct. Right. She is the one being abused.

SPEAKER_01 4:16

Oh, see now I feel bad because you're taking it there. I thought you were just being you.

SPEAKER_05 4:20

Talking about domestic violence.

SPEAKER_01 4:22

Not always, we don't do that on every show. Okay, thanks for the heads up. See why we're unscripted?

SPEAKER_05 4:26

People always ask us why don't you just leave?

SPEAKER_01 4:30

Okay, and as a man who went through you answer that question.

SPEAKER_05 4:35

From a woman. What do you want women just leave? You're asking me. Yes, from a woman's perspective who has been through this, yeah, and has has counseled thousands of women. Okay, our listeners want to know. Why don't you just leave? Why why don't you just leave?

Why Leaving Abuse Is Hard

Shelters Safety And Losing Home

SPEAKER_01 4:53

Why don't you just leave? Is asked more by outside individuals than the person involved in that at that moment. Outside meaning like family, friends, but because you're isolated from everybody. And everybody on the outside, not always, not always. And on the outside, people are like, Well, if it's so bad, why don't you just leave? Why don't you just leave? And it's not that simple. It's not. I mean, first of all, you have to have a safety plan to get out. The average woman, average person goes back seven times. Seven, because they don't have an action plan in place, they don't have a safety plan ready, they don't have everything put together if there's children involved, if there's even pets involved, they don't have money set aside so that they can survive. I don't think it's fair at all that even when officers arrive to the scene and they separate the two and they find out what's going on, yada, yada, yada, and they always say to the woman, we can pull you out right now and put you in a shelter. Right? We're gonna put you in a shelter. Why is it when they've done nothing wrong, when I've done nothing wrong, they want to remove us? Is pun it's not punishment, but it feels like it in a way, because you're losing your home, you're losing in your mind, you're going through this going, I've already lost all of this, and now you're taking me out of my home. You're taking me my children away from their home and putting us in a shelter where is that really safe? Is there really safety there? And the thing is, is that a lot of people will ask, why didn't you leave? Why did you stay? And it's because it's not as simple. It's not like, you know, even if if and here's a beautiful thing. And I had a beautiful woman who survived a horrific, horrific thing. I'm not gonna say her name because I still help her from time to time. And she said to me, Victoria, I blew up at my father in-law because it was his son that was being abusive. And she said to him, She said, Here's a question. Whenever we all as a family, quote unquote, go out for dinner, we say, Where does everybody want to go? And everybody's I don't know, I don't care, whatever, right? Nobody can make a decision on where to go have a meal. And it's, I don't know, you know, and then it becomes a it's it's a process. It's a simple process over dinner. She's like, What do you think it is about my life and my children's life? How valid is that? That is so spot on. It really is. Because if you can't make the simple distinction and decision of let's go for do you want pizza? Do you want Mexican? Do you want Italian? Do you want, you know, whatever? And you can't make that simple distinction, how can you fault somebody for saying, why are you still there? Like you're still in that situation because you have yourself set there, whether it's in, you know, the fact that your children are in school or that's their home. That is where all of their stuff is. There's so many uh variables, like, you know, money is a question of involvement, a vehicle is a question of involvement. How do you pay for your kids to have school food, lunch, breakfast? And there's a process. Yes, there are, you know, applications that can be filled out. There are programs that could be joined, but they're not joined day one. So when your kids go to school, if you leave on a Sunday and you go to school on Monday, they're not gonna have free lunch and free breakfast set up. There's not gonna be food on the account or money on the books for the kids to have free food, right? And you're already trying to pay and keep everybody safe and you're already worried about all these other things. There is a lot that has to go into getting out and being safe about it. And if people would just take a moment and go, I can't even make an easy decision about dinner, what a revelation that is. Because it really is not as simple as other people on the outside looking in try to make it out. You know, oh, you've left, so you should be over it by now. Really? Well, let me ask you a question. You have an issue because you wanted to go get your nails done at the salon, and the color that you wanted didn't come out right, and you're fit to be tight about it, and it's your nail color, and you're still complaining about it, and it's been weeks. We have been through a trauma that most people will never understand, that they will never comprehend the trauma and toxicity that comes with it. It's not as simple as it sounds. There is so many levels, it's like an onion there, and all the layers make you cry.

SPEAKER_05 9:51

You just remind me of Donkey and Shrek when you said that.

SPEAKER_00 9:54

Because tomorrow I'm making waffles.

PTSD Triggers After Surviving

SPEAKER_05 9:56

Yes. Uh so when we when we talk about PTSD, we mostly refer to military, okay? Some law enforcement. But mostly we we we think military, right? Because they've been in wars and and they have that. Yes, but but they're fighting their own war at home. These these former victims, these survivors, have PTSD.

SPEAKER_01 10:19

Absolutely. And some t have C PTSD, complex p PTSD.

unknown 10:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 10:25

Right. Like a pot dropping on the floor or something.

When Doctors Miss Abuse Signs

SPEAKER_01 10:29

There's a lot of triggers. There's so, so many triggers. And what really gets me is you know, there there is no universal thing. All the times that I went to the emergency room, and it's clear as day. I mean, Helen Keller could have seen easily that my nose is broken, or I had bruising around my throat, I had bruising around my neck, I had both of my eyes were swollen shut and and black and blue, or I was very uncomfortable with a male coming in the room, and or just the way that the injuries were. I mean, let's take one of my scars, for instance, of one of my stabbings, okay? And on my back, from I guess you would say my collarbone on the back side down, about halfway down my back, I guess is fair, right? Is a stabbing scar. And I was stabbed trying to get away. I go to get this stitched up, and idiot says, Well, she's very clumsy. She's very clumsy. How do you say that as a doctor? You're walking in the room and you see this, and not pose the question, ha, what is that really from? Because, and my husband and I've had this conversation before, and you know, I the last thing I ever want to do is trigger anybody. So please know that in advance. But I've explained to my husband the different, and this isn't his wheelhouse when it comes to like scars and stuff, but in in fairness, if you look at like all my surgical scars, they're clean, they're very precise, right? They they don't look like a rhythmic heartbeat on a monitor, right? They're not up and down and crooked and sideways and lateral and all that. The stabbing scars are very, how do you describe them in your opinion? Like they're very up and down, side cro it's like playing dot to dot, or how do you describe some of what you've seen?

SPEAKER_05 12:27

They're very jagged, uh rigid.

SPEAKER_01 12:30

They're jagged, they're rigid, they're not surgical. Like I have shown him how the surgical scars are very precise and you know they're clean. And then you have like stabbing scars where it's different if you're stabbed, like when the knife went into my chest versus when I was stabbed and then dug through my whole entire arm from my shoulder down to my wrist. And the scar, it it looks like crazy lightning. Or if you've ever had like an EKG done, or you're hooked up to a heart monitor and you watch, it's like up and down, up and down. It's kind of like that because you're trying to get away, you're trying to free yourself, you're trying to survive. And so that's the difference in the scars. Is you know, when you're on the table and you're under anesthesia and you're unable to move because they also paralyze you with a paralytic, and then they do whatever they're gonna do for you surgically, it's like you go in there and you look at it and you see it. Well, you're on the table and you're getting that done, and you see the scar, the scar is very precise because it was done surgically by a doctor. If you're in an emergency room and you're in there, obviously it's trauma. But most times, especially if it's the good old boy system, like I went to a military hospital a lot, and they were just BSing and didn't, you know, pay attention or you know, making an ordeal about it. Even when I was getting all stitched up, you know, I was like, I don't want anything because I don't want it to affect my baby. I don't want pain meds. I didn't get pain meds when it happened, I don't want pain meds now. And nothing, they would just joke and cut up and you know, I had 400 stitches in one stabbing incident, and they sat there shooting the shit, and then they were like, Oh, I'm gonna go give you a break before I come back and set your nose and set your jaw again and set your shoulder again. And these were all in one visit. Now, my nose is shattered, my jaws dislocated. Every time I tried to open my mouth, it was crack, crack, crack, pop, pop. My bottom of my mouth was completely like to the left, so it wasn't, you know, like it's supposed to be. And then my shoulder is out, I have blood coming out of me everywhere, and nobody wants to say, huh, okay, we'll just listen to him say that she's clumsy. There's no accountability. I mean, not all the time, but most of the time. There really isn't. And even if you try to say to somebody, I need help, they turn the other way for whatever reason.

Going Back Again And Again

SPEAKER_05 15:20

So I can attest to what you said earlier that the average person goes back seven times. Yeah. Okay. During my second marriage, I was verbally, emotionally abused.

SPEAKER_01 15:32

There's more to it than that, but okay.

SPEAKER_05 15:34

And I I bet, I bet I took her back no more no less than six to seven times. Oh, it was more than that.

SPEAKER_01 15:44

You know, and I chased her across country states to go get her. Which I never, ever, ever could understand.

SPEAKER_05 15:52

Because of the mentality I had back then. It's so much different. Now guys, you know, you think that this is the best woman I can ever get, this is the prettiest woman I could ever have. She's the most amazing cook. You know, we have sex every day. Guys, if you're getting verbally assaulted every day you come to Austin, yeah, okay, and your disposition has changed so much. You're you're isolated from your you don't even have friends anymore because you can't talk to anybody because now you're sleeping with them, right? You're isolated from your family because they just cannot stand that person because the way they treat you, and you don't see it because you're right in front of the tree.

SPEAKER_01 16:36

Yeah, but I don't agree with that. I mean You don't agree with what no, I I mean I don't agree with the family aspect of it because like we have two different situations in our families. Like mine put that piece of crap in mine in my life, and yours knew how horrible she was, and they didn't try to pull you away and get you out of that abusive situation. They disliked her, but they didn't try to save you. And there's the difference. Like, here we have sperm donor one and two, who or you know, families one and two, and one puts that PLS in the per in my life, and then yours knows how horrific this thing is, and allows you to not only remain in it, but then they're like, hey, we don't like her, we don't like what she's doing to you, we don't like how she is, she's control of and abusive, but we're not gonna help you and pull you out of it. Best of luck. And it would have been just the opposite. If any of our kids were in that situation, they wouldn't have made it through that sentence without us going and getting them. Like, it are you serious? You know, instead your family turned around and was just like, eh.

SPEAKER_05 17:49

Yeah, that's that's that's something we need to have on a show. Uh a parent right has taken a stand and taken their their child, you know, w whether it's a a late teenager to early adult and and helped them get out of that situation. We needed them on the show.

SPEAKER_01 18:07

Yeah, but have you ever thought about it like that? Like your family literally just didn't care enough to pull you out.

SPEAKER_05 18:13

Now, here's the other aspect. As stubborn as we are, would I have listened? We'll never know.

SPEAKER_04 18:21

Well no.

SPEAKER_01 18:22

Well, I think eventually you would have, because eventually you didn't chase her this last time. This last time you didn't go chase her again.

SPEAKER_05 18:29

No, never will. See, no, don't want to see you.

Family Silence And Enabling

SPEAKER_01 18:34

I mean, you didn't chase her after this. And I did ask you, I said, do I have to worry that you're gonna go chasing her back again? Because you chased her. And I I mean, and I did. I used to lay there and wonder why would he chase her across the country and he wouldn't chase me down the street, you know? And that's because I wouldn't cross that line. I wondered, was it because I won't cross that line to be the other woman with carnal knowledge that I'm the other woman? Or what is the reason why I don't deserve to have you and she does?

SPEAKER_05 19:05

Well, I chose right y'all.

SPEAKER_01 19:07

You're my soulmate, but then you have to appreciate. And here's the thing people say you only live once. No, you only die once. You truly only die a hundred percent once. Like, you know, I've coded, faith is coded multiple, multiple many times. But you live every day, you live every day, and every day you should make it amazing. And last night, my husband said the sweetest thing, and I was just like, Wait, what? What? Like it was that moment where you're like, What? What did you say? And it was, what did you say? We were sitting at the table, and you leak, what are you making that face you don't remember? Kill joy. Are you kidding me? Hey, no, you said the sweetest thing at the table. Even Faith was like, Well, what's gotten into you? I mean, it was it was so sweet. And you're like, I couldn't be happier anywhere else than I am when I'm with you. I couldn't have been any happier with anyone else. And I was like, and Faith goes, What'd you do? Like immediately, what have you done? What are you doing? I mean, just immediate. And and I was like, see, those are the moments I live for. You know, I told him I didn't want an engagement ring, I I didn't want any of the blingy stuff. I love hint, hint, wink, link, nudge, nudge over here. When I get stuff as simple as like posting notes, like I carry a posting note he put for me in my wallet. I have them over here by my desk. I have them in the bathroom, I have them in the kitchen cabinets. When I open them up, I can see them. My other vehicle, I used to have them in all over the vehicle and strategic places, so I would see them all the time. Our my new vehicle, I don't have a single one in. Not one. Not one drip, drip, drip.

SPEAKER_05 20:54

I'm out of coffee.

SPEAKER_01 20:55

Yeah, you're out of time on that one, too. There's no posting notes in it. And how long have we had this? Five months?

SPEAKER_05 21:03

Okay, I get the hint.

SPEAKER_01 21:05

I'm just saying.

SPEAKER_05 21:06

There, Vicky.

SPEAKER_01 21:09

Okay, Miguel. I see how we're gonna be. I see how we're gonna be. Yeah. So it's the simplicity of something, you know, like it just I'm one of these people that loves to go to sleep cuddled up. I love it. And you know, to wake up and have something that nobody else does, which is unconditional love. And there was a time I never thought I'd have it again, ever. And I lived vicariously through like Michael does his thing where he puts his hand down my face. And I tried to emulate that so many times during my abuse, and I couldn't do it. I couldn't get that same cessation because it wasn't you. And I kept thinking if I give up, I'll never feel that again, never have that feeling again. And I'm not a quitter, I have to keep fighting, not just for me, but for faith. And you know, it's one of those things that if you had told me 25 years ago that or no, let's back that up because I knew you 25 years ago. If I had said 28 years ago, okay, when I meet my soulmate, I'm gonna know immediately, I would have said, put the drink down. Like, no, but I did. I knew. And when I had faith, I told her there's only one person I'll ever let be your dad. And that was gospel. And I was a single mom for 14 years. I mean, we were friends and everything, but you know, you were still chasing her, and you were still married. And you know, did I know you'd ever leave her? Honestly, I didn't think you did. I didn't think you would because you kept going back. And when I would talk to you and you would just open up and tell me how miserable you were, like I had the phone on mute and I was heartbroken. Like he would call me from work on the way home back to his house because it wasn't home, and he had just been boring drinking, which bothered me immensely because he didn't want to go in and deal with what was happening. And he would say this to me every I mean, we talked numerous times every day, and he would say two minutes. And I was like, No, no, no, no, no, say that because I hated when you would say two minutes, because that meant I had two minutes left while you went down on the driveway till you got to the house before she met you at the door to jump your skill at about whatever it was today. And I actually saved a voicemail from way back then when you were calling me and you were like, Hey, I wanted to see how your day was. I wanted to and you were just talking, like you were talking to the voicemail and and just keep going, and then you're like, All right, I'm at my two minutes, and it was just almost like a different person, and that was heart-wrenching, and I kept it because I wanted to hopefully have you hear that and then hear how that's not you, that's not the you I know. Why are you smiling at me like that? Did you fart? No. So why are you smiling at me like that?

SPEAKER_05 24:04

Because you gave me a happy life.

SPEAKER_01 24:06

I gave it to you, or are you still in it?

SPEAKER_05 24:07

No, you gave it to me.

SPEAKER_01 24:08

Do you not have it anymore? No, I still have it. Well, you said gave is in fast tense.

SPEAKER_04 24:13

Right, you gave it to me.

SPEAKER_01 24:14

Or how about I am giving you a happy life?

SPEAKER_04 24:16

All right, Miss Semantic. Give me a happy life.

SPEAKER_01 24:21

Very good. I almost said that phrase you hate more than anything. I did good, I didn't say it. I did, I was good, I didn't say it.

SPEAKER_04 24:29

Anyway, so that was my one question.

People Who Only Want Something

SPEAKER_01 24:32

So here's my question. What do you do when people come out of the woodwork when they only want something from you, and then they try and pull stuff out of you, and then when they because that also happens in an abusive situation, and then when they realize they can't get anything out of you anymore, they're done with you until they can try again. What do you do with those people?

SPEAKER_05 24:56

So I've often said, if you come to me, hey Michael, I need to borrow 20 bucks for gas. All right, you go to the gas station, you get ten dollars worth of gas, go come outside of the gas station with a pack of cigarettes. Buddy, I'm I'm never giving you money again. All right. You just lied and you just cheated me. Yes, it was your money to do what the hell you wanted to, but you lied to me about your intentions. So I'm not gonna give you any more money. Family members want us for what we can offer them, what we have, and what we can give. And y'all, we we we try to give our hearts, we try to give our lives. My wife gives her time, pro bono work, she gives out classes, scholarships, all kinds of stuff. You know, and you know, here I am, I'm you know, I help neighbors out for free, you know, cut down trees or you know, whatnot. Family members come to us and they want something. I don't know if they can change. At this late in the game, I don't know. You can change. I'm proof that you can change, right? But you come to me and say, hey, this will happen again. What we've seen in the past, it's happened many times, even after you promised, even after you stated it won't happen again, it won't be me.

SPEAKER_01 26:26

Well, let me add to that on a clinical point of view.

SPEAKER_05 26:30

Um as you put on chapstick.

Can People Change Narcissism

SPEAKER_01 26:32

My lips are so dry. I had such oh my god, I'm so sorry, everybody. My lips are very you ate meat, nasty. Let me do this from a clinical point of view. Can people change? They always say a leopard never changes its spots. Okay, whatever. That's a true analogy to some people in some way. However, here's the thing: a narcissist truly does not. I don't believe a narcissist can change. I don't clinically believe it, I don't personally believe it. You and I have both been around enough narcissists to know, and a lot of people think that that like narcissism is a mental illness, but they are so like conniving, they're so deceitful, they're so meticulous. Like they know their cycles, they know how to lure you in, they pull you in on your heartstrings and they guilt trip you. And I mean, to be able to do that, first of all, they never can take accountability for anything they've done wrong. Ever. You'll never hear, I'm sorry, with genuine sincerity. You will not hear it. It's not something that they can do. However, if they've done something wrong, they are quick fast in a hurry to blame anyone but themselves because they cannot take accountability for their actions. That is a really big thing. You can't heal yourself and make yourself better unless you recognize the situation first. So if they don't think that there's an issue, a situation or a problem, they're never going to be able to recognize it and they're never gonna be able to start the path of healing. Like you recognized, and I say this with love, that you are a slut, a tramp, a whore, a paid prostitute through the county. You know, I could keep going with synonyms and different terms of endearment, but you don't hear me argue, but you are around the way filet. You are a around you gave more rides than Greyhound. I'm just saying. Right?

SPEAKER_05 28:39

And it's not something I'm proud of.

SPEAKER_01 28:42

But you chose, you made the cognitive, conscious effort to say I don't want that life anymore. I don't know how I kept up with all the lies, I don't know how I pulled all this off, you know. I don't know how I didn't get an S T D you better be glad you didn't get an S T D because if I had gotten it, it would not have been a pretty picture. That's all I'm gonna say. No, I would never do that. I could never hurt someone I love. I couldn't do it. I'm just not that person. Anyway, you were saying So the thing is, is that let's look at any of the four egg and sperm donors on the table from the four the the four that give each of us two of their little spermy egg things. Would any of those four openly say I'm a narcissist? No, absolutely not. Okay, would any of those four say I hurt you, I'm wrong, I'm sorry, with genuine sincerity.

SPEAKER_05 29:48

No, not with sincerity, honesty.

SPEAKER_01 29:50

Say it and it's something manipulating, they'll placate it, right? They wouldn't say it with sincerity and honesty, they keep the people around that do things for them to benefit them. Like your egg donor basically lives off of your brother. She was living off of us too. I mean, she was going to you and saying she needed money, and then going to me and saying she needed money or whatever, and then don't tell her, don't tell him, I don't want them to think bad of me, or whatever. And we weren't, you know, we were just doing it. Like, and she wouldn't even pay for a a game to go see her grandson play. Like somebody had to pay a five-dollar entrance fee constantly, right? Her, your sperm donor, my sperm donor, my egg donor never, ever, ever will say I'm wrong, meaning them, not us. I did something wrong. I hurt you. I'm sorry. How do I make this right? It's all look what you did to me after everything I've done for you. That is not capable of changing. You made the cognitive effort of saying, I love this person, I don't want to hurt them anymore. I want to be happy, and I can be happy in a monogamous marriage. I can be happy in a monogamous relationship because we you were and I were in a committed relationship before we got married, and you didn't cheat. And that's the thing. You made that effort to decide I'm not gonna do it. And that is a huge thing because you respect yourself, you gained respect for yourself, which is huge, and you gained respect for our relationship. Do you think any one of those four people could do that? I mean, look at three of the four of them, all were players.

SPEAKER_05 31:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:50

Think about that. Three of the four, and then the fourth one. I mean, come on. She's talking. Well, people wondered if she did with someone else, but that's a totally different story. Well, no, there were rumors of how she treated a family member. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We won't go to that. But no, because I had nothing to say about him, even though he's told differently.

unknown 32:17

Right.

SPEAKER_01 32:17

But the thing is, three out of four of those people just cared more about well, the four out of four really cared more about what everybody on the outside of those four walls of a house felt than the people that are there day in and day out. And the people that, like my sperm donor, I can prove him being around 40, 50 other women in the course of years and years and years. He, I guarantee you, he doesn't talk to most of them anymore, but he cared more about them at the time than he did his own flesh and blood, his own flesh and blood of a grandchild. I mean, he would use the time of her having surgery to go out and be with another woman and use that as an excuse. You couldn't pull me out of the room to go go to the bathroom, yet alone and be with someone else. So you can change if you recognize there's something to change. But also, no matter what, and as parents, if any of our kids had a significant other and they had us meet them, the one thing we're never gonna do, and they know we know that they're a good person and we know that they're happy, we're never gonna belittle our child to that person. We're never gonna degrade our child to anybody. We've never done that. Not us to anyone, right? Not us, but it's been done to us. How do you do that? I mean, in reality of it, how does that make them look right? So, yeah, I believe you can change, like you absolutely can change, but you're in a recovery. Like, I'm in recovery from abuse, you're in recovery from abuse, you know. Like we have people in our lives that are great friends that are in recovery from alcoholism or substance abuse or anything like that. And they chose to make that choice, that change. And good for them for doing that. And it's something they deal with on a day basis, and they're doing a great job about it. So, yeah, you can change if you recognize there's something to change.

SPEAKER_05 34:22

No, guys, it's it's not easy. Okay. My wife already stated out I was a paid whore, right? Not like I was out on the corner of the street, you know. Well, you did direct traffic. I was a law enforcement officer, and you know, I I had a lot of extracurricular activities. Now you're an activity? Okay. I had a lot of girlfriends on the side, and I had no idea. My current spouse. Okay, so I was getting paid. I need a body exfoliation. So that's what she meant. Can you change that lifestyle? Absolutely. Okay. Can you be happy with just one person? Yes. So, second marriage, I did I didn't there was no way I could go around and chill now because she was all up in my business the entire however many years I spent with her. One one day too long. Right? And it got to a point where, like my wife said, I was drinking to and from work after work. You know. Yeah, it got bad. So can you and now you don't drink? Can you change that? Yes, you can. But you have to have a light to go towards a motivation that is so strong that that compels you, you know, get out from the state that you're in. You have to have that love, that that feeling that hey, I am wanted, I'm needed. You know, there's somebody out there who genuinely loves me just as exactly as I am. Fat, old, broke, you know, whatever. However, you want to visualize Michael. That's that's how it was, okay?

SPEAKER_01 36:10

My redneck.

SPEAKER_05 36:11

But uh I am four pounds lighter now.

SPEAKER_01 36:13

Right? You don't take that as a win. It is a win. It is a win.

SPEAKER_05 36:20

So, yes. You can change. You can find your soulmate, y'all. I found mine, which she already knew where I was. I was down in the gutter. Slopping up the pig slop.

SPEAKER_03 36:36

Are you talking about your ex again? Yes.

SPEAKER_05 36:42

Yeah. So I'm very happy, and that's why I told my wife yesterday. I couldn't be more happy than to be with her and that little red-headed shit. But I mean uh daughter, that little hair and my let's leave her out of this.

SPEAKER_02 37:11

Michael?

SPEAKER_00 37:12

Now you're not even dad.

SPEAKER_02 37:13

I I know. What happened to dad? I'm always nice to mom. That's my baby girl.

SPEAKER_01 37:25

And she has the stinking cutest face.

SPEAKER_05 37:27

Like it's hard. Like damn dimples is what gets you.

SPEAKER_01 37:30

I call them guardian angel kisses. Oh. They're one from my my grandfather and one for my grandmother on both sides. And that's how she got her kisses and her little dimples on her face. But you know, she takes off the glasses and she looks at you, and it's like, yep. You just can't. And she knows how to work it too. She knows.

SPEAKER_05 37:48

So to recap, Victoria. Why doesn't the female victim? It's not just female, it's male too. So you don't have my question earlier. Yeah. Why doesn't she leave? There's a lot going on there. I believe you have a class I do that helps teach how to drop that safety plan, how to have that bug out bag ready. Your your prep bag. So if y'all go to uh contagious smile dot mn mike nancy dot c O. Okay. Michaela. Where'd you get that from? Michelle. Oh shit. Melissa. Keep going, Mighty Mouth. There you go, Mighty Mouth. What's the name starting with M? Moron. Moron. Okay, go to Moron November.

SPEAKER_00 38:45

You can go to Mighty Marvelous.

Alcohol Patterns And Recovery Talk

SPEAKER_05 38:51

Anyway, it's Monstermile.mn.co. In the academy, you'll find multiple courses in there for free. There is a course in there that my wife put together on how to prepare to execute an escape plan safely. And y'all should really take advantage of it because it is free. Can a leopard change of spots? As far as a narcissist goes, we find that hard to believe. As far as a former slut goes, reformed alcoholic.

unknown 39:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 39:26

You think yourself is an alcoholic?

SPEAKER_05 39:28

Babe. I drove to work with Crown Royal in my coffee. Okay, that's not a beer, that's hard liquor. I put I brought a flask to work. Immediately after work, all of us went to our coolers in the back of the truck and cracked up with a beer. From the beer, driving to one red light down the road. I pulled into the moose lodge, had a beer at the bar. Driving home with a to-go cup from the bartender was a beer. Now you want to get the okay semantics? True. Once I got into the house and after my shower, there's a crone in my hand. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 40:15

She's never outright said that you were an alcoholic. You've never said those words outright before, right now.

SPEAKER_05 40:21

It it never. Out of all the people listening, y'all think I was an alcoholic? They're shouting me out right now. And I'm asking you. Right. But I wouldn't get stupid drunk and and pass out and throw up and all that shit.

Wrap Up And Future Guests

SPEAKER_01 40:35

No, I remember a couple conversations when you were drunk. They were great. I mean, yeah. They're funny. They were hilarious. Oh yeah. That was awesome. And and I just wouldn't, you know, like, no. He he he got very open and really would talk about like his true feelings and emotions. And you know, it was he was very forthcoming. And he's like, when I get like that, just let me do nothing. And I'm like, what are you crazy? I'm taking all advantage of that. You know, like now he'll go to sleep and he'll wake up, I'm having a dream of a leopard, leprechaun, jumping out of an airplane, having uh ice cream with nuts and bolts, and da da da, you know, and it's like, okay, that makes sense. I don't know, whatever, but sure.

unknown 41:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 41:32

Y'all, I appreciate y'all listening to our rambling. You know, I'm just people like it. It's just people like our rambling. We're not here with our daughter and our four dogs. Four dogs. You know, we talk about our experiences, what happened to us, our real life escapades.

SPEAKER_01 41:48

Just that. We we give plenty of resources and information on you know, thriving through life is everybody deserves to be happy, and you know, things to do in certain situations, and we have amazing guests on because the release of uh mirrors coming soon.

SPEAKER_05 42:06

Mirror a mush tobai.

SPEAKER_01 42:08

It's a ram mush tobai. It's a raw mush to he hears myself.

SPEAKER_05 42:14

He already jumped my skillet.

SPEAKER_01 42:16

That was the best five minutes from the black move. The nicest guy. I'm always gonna say that because it is. He was so he told you, Michael. Listen to your wife. I cut that line and copied it, saved it, copied it, saved it, copied it, saved it, and and archived it. Because in case you ever get foggy, I'm gonna put it through like a loudspeaker. Michael, listen to your wife.

SPEAKER_05 42:39

Well, we thank y'all for listening to Cote the Smile is foundable.

SPEAKER_01 42:43

With my redneck and your red head.

SPEAKER_05 42:46

I have two redheads. That's true. And our dogs are red.

SPEAKER_01 42:49

Uh uh, two of them are white. We have candy cane dogs.

SPEAKER_05 42:52

I can't wait to see the puppies, y'all. That would be so cute. I I hope they're they're mixed colors, like red and white. You know, like a spotted cow.

SPEAKER_00 43:03

Why are you still talking about her?

SPEAKER_05 43:06

Are you serious? Yeah. Who wasn't talking about number one?

SPEAKER_00 43:10

I wasn't talking about oil.

SPEAKER_02 43:14

Thank y'all for listening. Good night.