What A Roast Reveals About How We See Ourselves

You’re getting a front-row seat to a special kind of family chaos: we hand the mic to the crew, announce a roast of Michael, and let the night spiral in the funniest way possible. What starts as trip talk and a Stranger Things tour recap turns into a rapid-fire comedy session where nobody is safe, everyone talks over each other, and the jokes land like popcorn. If you love an unfiltered family comedy podcast energy, this is the one that sounds like real life, just louder. 

But under the roasting, there’s real relationship stuff we can’t ignore. We talk about a weight loss journey, the weird push and pull of body image and body dysphoria, and that vulnerable moment when you try something on and want your partner to actually see you. The “dress reveal” story becomes a surprisingly relatable conversation about validation, timing, and why good intentions sometimes miss the mark. Yes, there’s also a donut debate, because apparently food and feelings always travel together. 

Then we take a hard left into the anything-goes segments: warnings about what not to Google, messy stories that should never be told at a restaurant table, word and pronunciation games, and assigning “theme songs” while Alexa tries to take over. We also shout out Pride Month and make it clear where we stand on LGBTQ support: we don’t care who you love as long as you’re treated right. 

If you want a funny podcast episode that mixes roasting, marriage banter, body confidence, and pure derailment, press play now. Subscribe, share it with the friend who lives for group chat energy, and leave a review. What line made you laugh the hardest?

Transcript

Welcome And Roast Setup

SPEAKER_04 0:01

Good evening. Welcome to an incredibly exciting special episode of a Contagious Smell Unstoppable. This is gonna be a masterpiece and its finest. Michael, Safe, and myself are here, and they decided they wanted to do something extra special. They want to roast Michael tonight. So y'all are getting a front row seat of this bad boy. Say hi guys.

SPEAKER_06 0:29

Hello.

SPEAKER_01 0:30

Hi guys.

SPEAKER_06 0:31

Oh wow, what a smaller.

SPEAKER_04 0:33

Well, you're gonna have to talk up.

SPEAKER_01 0:35

And does you sound like a mouse?

SPEAKER_04 0:38

Sound like a never body part? Yes. Okay, so everybody has to talk up.

SPEAKER_01 0:44

I think a queen is louder than you are.

SPEAKER_04 0:50

This is gonna be so much fun. So

Travel Talk And Stranger Things Tour

SPEAKER_04 0:55

tell us about your trip so far. What has been going on? How's it been? And you guys got to do an awesome Stranger Things tour. It was so much fun. And you had the best straight up stranger tour person. Because Stranger Things Tour person.

SPEAKER_06 1:11

Because you had that one with you. Yeah, that's a strange thing over there.

SPEAKER_04 1:20

Don't fest with the back of my computers. No, you won't. But she's gonna have to speak up.

SPEAKER_06 1:27

You keep touching things that don't belong to you.

SPEAKER_01 1:31

As a man, I like to touch things.

SPEAKER_02 1:33

Oh my god. Most of them don't belong to you.

SPEAKER_01 1:38

What are you insinuating?

SPEAKER_05 1:40

Oh no, no, it's not what I'm insinuating.

SPEAKER_04 1:43

No, no, won't! Oh no, no won't. So give the low-down deep dirt on your Uncle Michael.

Whipped Cream Prank Story

SPEAKER_01 1:52

Let me tell you what these little demon kittens did to me the other day. In the restaurant, coerced the waitress to put a plate full of whipped cream in my face.

SPEAKER_05 2:07

This made you look better. I'm sorry, but didn't the manager say you deserved it? Well, I guess it made you look better. Well, I don't know why.

SPEAKER_06 2:16

Yeah. It was deserved. It was deserved.

SPEAKER_01 2:21

I have never had so much white shit on my face.

SPEAKER_04 2:28

Don't you know you used to work for the United Nations?

SPEAKER_01 2:33

I said white shit.

SPEAKER_04 2:36

My so you like to defecate have defecation

The Internet Video Nobody Should Google

SPEAKER_04 2:40

on your face?

SPEAKER_01 2:40

I saw two girls in a cup.

SPEAKER_04 2:43

What?

SPEAKER_01 2:44

Oh, you haven't seen it. Well, they banned it.

SPEAKER_03 2:46

What is it?

SPEAKER_01 2:47

Do not look up two girls in a cup.

SPEAKER_03 2:49

What is it?

SPEAKER_01 2:50

It's already banned. You have to find some little bit web. Never heard of it? Uh-uh. While you're eating that piece of chocolate, let me describe this to you.

SPEAKER_06 3:01

Do not you know?

SPEAKER_01 3:04

Oh yeah. You will spit that out right now if you do. Oh yes, you would. No, I won't. It is so vile.

SPEAKER_03 3:13

For you to say that?

SPEAKER_01 3:15

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 3:15

That's shocking.

SPEAKER_01 3:16

And and and now I've seen some vile shit.

SPEAKER_03 3:19

You perform vile shit.

SPEAKER_01 3:23

What is she doing?

SPEAKER_02 3:24

She looks refers to. We don't want like crickets while no one's talking. Um I'm eating chocolate.

SPEAKER_01 3:34

They're all eating chocolate while looking up two girls in a cup.

SPEAKER_04 3:38

Okay, so let's talk about something for two. You guys are more on more

Weight Loss Wins And Body Image

SPEAKER_04 3:42

on. I took the girls and we went shopping because I have lost a lot of weight. Yay! I'm not at my goal weight yet, but I'm close. And I've been wearing clothes that are like five sizes too big. Comfy clothes.

SPEAKER_01 3:58

Why?

SPEAKER_04 3:58

Because they're comfy.

SPEAKER_01 4:00

No, why?

SPEAKER_04 4:01

No, why severe body dysphoria?

SPEAKER_01 4:03

Yes. And you won't listen to your husband. What? Go get naked. No. See? You never listen to me.

SPEAKER_06 4:11

So why wouldn't we? Are you so bullshit? Michael, we'll listen, we'll go cool, not cool.

SPEAKER_01 4:18

Really?

SPEAKER_04 4:20

Anyway, so we go and the girls are walking around, and I see something so out of character for me, I would never ever wear it. And I pick it up and I get a couple of different sizes. And I go back in there in the dressing room and they just like literally fall to the ground. And I'm like, what? So it's so exciting and everything. So then I go back and get another one, come back. That's still too loosey-goosey. And I'm like, well, if I want to lose 15 more to get to my goal, then I probably need a smaller one. So I go get another one and I'm like, oh, okay. And I was so excited, and I told the girls, and they were excited for me. And then I come home, and anybody want to guess what Michael was doing? Nothing. Sleeping.

SPEAKER_01 5:02

Wow, let it go, guys.

SPEAKER_04 5:05

So he was being an ass when he sleeps, like always.

SPEAKER_01 5:09

And I have a medical condition.

SPEAKER_04 5:12

No, I've done.

SPEAKER_01 5:13

Yes, I do.

SPEAKER_06 5:14

Oh my god. Is it all of I sleep all day?

SPEAKER_04 5:20

I sleep all day, Idis. With his dink dink.

SPEAKER_01 5:25

Do not bring my dink dink in this conversation, all right?

SPEAKER_04 5:30

A lot of things. Okay, anyway.

The Dress Reveal And Donut Debate

SPEAKER_04 5:32

So let me finish. So I was like, I'm gonna show the girls. I'm gonna put this on because they hadn't seen it. So I put it on. It's a long dress, it's fitting. And I go downstairs. My husband is on the chair in his chair. And of course, like the girls are like, Oh, this looks so amazing. You should be so happy. And they're all happy for me. And you know, this one's like, don't, don't, which way to go, George?

SPEAKER_05 5:59

Which way to go, George? And I'm flabbergasted. I was so stunned.

SPEAKER_06 6:05

About the dress. You completely ignored her. This is true.

SPEAKER_04 6:10

And then you say, Oh, if you want to lose more weight, you don't need to eat that.

SPEAKER_06 6:14

You don't need to eat that. You didn't even make a comment about it until the next night at dinner, a full 24 hours after the fact.

SPEAKER_04 6:21

Right? And then he takes them to go get donuts. And do they even consider getting does he consider getting me one? No. I'm trying to help you on your weight loss. I'm trying to help you on your weight loss. What do you guys say to that?

SPEAKER_01 6:34

Damned if I do. I can't win.

SPEAKER_06 6:38

There is no winning for you.

SPEAKER_01 6:40

You should know this. If I bought you a donut, you would have said, I don't need it because I'm fat. If I didn't buy you one, well, why the hell didn't you buy me one? Because you think I'm fat?

SPEAKER_06 6:51

A lot of times I thought that how okay.

SPEAKER_01 6:53

I I thought about buying her donuts. They're still at the damn store.

SPEAKER_06 6:58

Why didn't you buy them?

SPEAKER_01 7:00

Because it's the thought that counts.

SPEAKER_06 7:02

Really? Did you explain that thought to her?

SPEAKER_04 7:04

No, because you came in for a few years.

SPEAKER_01 7:05

I thought about buying you flowers.

SPEAKER_04 7:06

So instead you buy bought me expired dinner.

SPEAKER_01 7:10

Oh shit.

SPEAKER_04 7:12

You are trying to kill me.

SPEAKER_01 7:14

No.

SPEAKER_05 7:15

I wasn't that science then.

SPEAKER_06 7:22

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 7:24

What's wrong with your fingers?

SPEAKER_06 7:26

Tourette. Oh my god!

SPEAKER_01 7:30

That was good. That was good one. That was good. I like that.

SPEAKER_04 7:35

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 7:36

Never give a woman an erection.

SPEAKER_04 7:42

You have turned some women lesbians.

SPEAKER_01 7:43

I sure have.

SPEAKER_04 7:48

Well, they've been trying to convince me to go to that side.

SPEAKER_06 7:50

Oh, I sound like you should. No.

SPEAKER_01 7:57

No, it doesn't.

SPEAKER_06 7:58

Let's tell short stories.

SPEAKER_04 7:59

Oh shit.

SPEAKER_01 8:00

Oh shit.

SPEAKER_04 8:01

Here we go. You walked right into this one. So let me tell you what happened. Okay. When we dated back and 19 and no, let me tell

The Threesome Ultimatum That Ended It

SPEAKER_04 8:12

her. She's gonna have the best reaction to this. So when we dated, you know, and I had to like not gain an ounce of weight or get a tattoo or cut my hair or have my hair curly because I had to be straight and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So he says to me one day, hey, what if we had a threesome? Right? And I was like, A, I consider that cheating. That's my personal value, and I would not do it. Absolutely not. So blue eyes is like, but babe, please, babe, please, you know, wouldn't you consider it for me? Yada yada yada. No. So then he's like, but babe, it would be fun. Okay. So I looked at him straight faced and said, here's the deal. I'll give you a threesome, a one condition. So he perks up all happy dappy. And I'm like, that we have to have a threesome with another man present with you. And the catcher to this, literally, is the fact that I get to pick what the man looks like. And I get to pick what he does to you. And what he does to you will be everything you want to transpire between me and this woman. So whatever you want done in a threesome with another woman and I gets to be done to you, with the other man and I. And I promise you. I'll. And I said, I promise you, I am gonna find somebody who does not know personal hygiene, who is hairy, front, back, center, left, right, up and down, who could braid body hair, who is like 400 pounds, has the crevices of cracking, like skin in between the folds, and you're gonna take it in every orifice possible. And he never again asked me for threesome.

SPEAKER_06 9:55

Oh, look, you finally find your brain somewhere. What buttons you have left. Yeah, I think we're losing brains holding in this vicinity.

SPEAKER_04 10:08

Seriously. Touching things.

Rapid Roasts And Relationship Jabs

SPEAKER_04 10:12

What do you think is the most annoying about your uncle? His looks.

SPEAKER_06 10:18

Oh bag on, please.

SPEAKER_01 10:24

That's what she said.

SPEAKER_04 10:27

Oh my!

SPEAKER_01 10:30

Yes, I do.

SPEAKER_04 10:31

Oh you really?

SPEAKER_01 10:32

Yes, this thing you ripped by the beach.

SPEAKER_04 10:34

Not a condo. You're gonna get a banana in your butt.

SPEAKER_01 10:38

Don't stick a banana in my butt.

SPEAKER_04 10:40

You gotta get butter in your butt.

SPEAKER_01 10:43

I'll take some butter. Yeah, that sounds nice. You're gonna lick it off.

SPEAKER_04 10:51

I know, but you know how okay. Most butt cheats goop. They're big W's, right? Like they go.

SPEAKER_00 10:59

Michael has a dink ink. Believe me, so I took a picture of the dink dick.

SPEAKER_04 11:16

He no longer said, maybe you're right. He has a little dink ink.

SPEAKER_01 11:23

She wouldn't shoot me in the ass with testosterone.

SPEAKER_04 11:28

Right.

SPEAKER_01 11:28

And cracked up last. What the hell are you left with back there?

SPEAKER_04 11:32

Well, first I had to braid the butt hair to get it out of the way so that I could get here and make up my patty. Yeah, he has to have his shot of his testosterone and his dink dick. His t his estrogen levels are higher than mine. We had our levels done, we had our blood work done, and his is like 800 times. So we all know I have the balls.

SPEAKER_01 12:03

You're annoying. When do you go back?

SPEAKER_04 12:05

Never you don't know I'm adopting her.

SPEAKER_01 12:10

Great.

SPEAKER_04 12:11

I'm adopting her. And I'll know where that paperwork is. Mine. It's why I said it.

SPEAKER_01 12:23

Asshole. It again.

SPEAKER_06 12:35

Dom. You gotta wash himself. Look how nasty they are. My poor slippers. They grow.

SPEAKER_01 12:45

They fit your ensemble.

SPEAKER_06 12:47

Oh boy. I'm dressed better than you are.

SPEAKER_01 12:51

I'm in camo.

SPEAKER_06 12:53

Yeah, you're invisible. This is what it's like all the plant. I'm the only one that looks good on camo.

SPEAKER_01 13:02

Yes, you do look good.

SPEAKER_06 13:04

She does.

SPEAKER_01 13:04

You are effing rocking that new fedor hat you got.

SPEAKER_06 13:11

This one not look good on you. It doesn't matter for it.

SPEAKER_01 13:16

My head's too fat.

unknown 13:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 13:20

Just sit with your beast. Shut up. Ugly cowboy hats.

SPEAKER_01 13:28

I like ugly.

SPEAKER_06 13:29

You can get a better one.

SPEAKER_01 13:31

I don't want a better one.

SPEAKER_06 13:33

Sugget one.

SPEAKER_01 13:34

Sugget one?

SPEAKER_04 13:36

Sugget one. What do people in WWE do? They're what? Wrestle?

SPEAKER_01 13:47

They wrestle.

SPEAKER_06 13:50

It's like pecan or versus pecan.

SPEAKER_01 13:52

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 13:53

What do you put on a pan to cook? Or the thing you never clean when I want the air pressure. Oil.

SPEAKER_06 14:01

Oil? Oil. What the hell is oil?

SPEAKER_04 14:06

It's what Popeye sticks himself in to keep himself clean. Olive oil.

SPEAKER_01 14:12

And I'm the perverted one.

SPEAKER_04 14:14

Yes! Yeah. Aluminum. Oil oil.

SPEAKER_01 14:19

You sleep on a nice comfy bed.

SPEAKER_04 14:23

No, under your head is a pillar. Pillow.

SPEAKER_06 14:28

Maybe you should go at the king dragon.

SPEAKER_01 14:31

I found it.

SPEAKER_06 14:32

We can tell. Oh, clearly. Crayon? Crayon or crown?

SPEAKER_01 14:43

Crown roll?

SPEAKER_06 14:45

That's a liquor.

SPEAKER_01 14:46

I don't know. I used to drink it on the way to work.

SPEAKER_04 14:50

Why would you omit that? He did. He used to drink it at while on the way to work.

SPEAKER_06 14:57

Seriously. Crayon. Crayon. Or crown.

SPEAKER_03 15:07

Come on, answer her. Answer.

SPEAKER_01 15:09

He didn't answer answer the question. She did.

SPEAKER_04 15:11

How do you pronounce which of the following?

SPEAKER_01 15:13

A crayon.

SPEAKER_04 15:14

Okay, that's crayon. What is down yonder?

SPEAKER_01 15:20

It's down yonder. It's a fur piece. It's a what? A fur piece. A what? A fur piece. What the hell is that? A fur piece. A fur piece? Is that some kind of form of herpes? No, it's a fur piece.

SPEAKER_04 15:38

I don't know what you're talking about.

SPEAKER_01 15:41

A fur piece.

SPEAKER_04 15:43

It sounds like he's saying he has herpes.

SPEAKER_01 15:47

Lord nuts.

SPEAKER_04 15:49

In the show.

SPEAKER_01 15:50

We don't have commercial here. This is live.

SPEAKER_06 15:52

It's not live.

SPEAKER_01 15:54

Oh you're an idiot.

SPEAKER_06 15:56

Yeah, I get it from hanging around you too much. No, in this show, they film a commercial, and this guy just stands in and he's like, I've got general herpes.

SPEAKER_01 16:07

General? General? What the hell is general? I got all around general herpes.

SPEAKER_06 16:15

Wait, I've got general herpes.

SPEAKER_01 16:20

You're flapping your arm like a chicken.

SPEAKER_06 16:22

My mouth.

SPEAKER_01 16:23

Holy shit. Are you gonna fly away? Are you gonna are you gonna poop an egg?

SPEAKER_00 16:31

Your dog shit on itself!

SPEAKER_01 16:35

My dog shit on itself. There was poop on her head! Oh, so she's a shithead. Uh-huh. That's what uh the jerk named his dog. Shithead. Shithead? Who? Steve Martin and the jerk.

SPEAKER_06 16:49

Somebody who's named a cat shithead.

SPEAKER_01 16:53

Your dad?

SPEAKER_06 16:54

I know somebody. My father does not want the cat. Despite stealing her from me.

SPEAKER_01 17:03

He stole a put uh He stole my freaking cat from me!

SPEAKER_06 17:06

That's not what he just said.

SPEAKER_01 17:08

I didn't say it.

SPEAKER_06 17:09

We heard it. Oh we all know where your mind went, unfortunately.

SPEAKER_01 17:14

Great.

SPEAKER_06 17:14

But always well.

SPEAKER_01 17:17

Really? You think my mind's always in the gutter?

SPEAKER_06 17:20

What is it not? Oh wait.

SPEAKER_01 17:24

Um sleeping? No. Damn! What is this? A chorus?

SPEAKER_04 17:29

Yes! What's your favorite part about your second home here? Uh my cousin and aunt.

SPEAKER_01 17:38

Son of a bitch!

SPEAKER_04 17:40

So tell me why your cousin.

SPEAKER_06 17:42

Because she's amazing? Well, no doubt. We all know that. Like there were infinite scenario scenarios, sentences that fulfill that.

SPEAKER_04 17:53

Aww. Y'all are like the pranksters, but I can't believe y'all haven't pranked him yet.

SPEAKER_01 17:58

Like it's just creamed in the face.

SPEAKER_04 18:02

And you're complaining?

SPEAKER_01 18:03

Oh that went on Facebook 30 seconds after it happened.

SPEAKER_04 18:07

My Snapchat. Oh, I put it on Instagram and TikTok. Where am starling? Oh dear, dig deep.

SPEAKER_01 18:15

Really?

SPEAKER_04 18:16

Oh, and then we gotta put up the dance that we got you doing where you got that little fat wobblehead. You really should talk about yourself, right?

SPEAKER_01 18:26

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 18:27

Okay, why your aunt? This aunt or this aunt?

SPEAKER_01 18:31

Why your aunt?

SPEAKER_04 18:33

Why your aunt?

SPEAKER_01 18:35

Why your aunt? What'd it do? Well uh what did your aunt do?

SPEAKER_06 18:39

She unfortunately married you.

SPEAKER_01 18:41

Oh. That's why you're cousins.

SPEAKER_04 18:46

Well, at least this family tree has branches. Didn't you kiss your cousin?

SPEAKER_01 18:58

Yes.

SPEAKER_06 18:59

Like tongue kiss your cousin?

SPEAKER_01 19:01

I'm not telling.

SPEAKER_06 19:03

You already admitted to the kissing them.

SPEAKER_01 19:05

I did. Was it him or her? She did. She kissed me.

SPEAKER_06 19:10

And you allowed it? He reciprocated! They played Tom Soon. You were probably from Alabama.

SPEAKER_01 19:20

No, we're both from Georgia.

SPEAKER_06 19:22

Well, it's close enough to Alabama.

SPEAKER_01 19:24

Right? Like 20 minute drive.

SPEAKER_04 19:26

He used to do sisters and they didn't know about it.

SPEAKER_01 19:28

Whoa!

SPEAKER_06 19:29

Oh no, were they twins?

SPEAKER_01 19:31

Why are we talking about my past sexual life?

SPEAKER_06 19:34

You talk about No, I never talk about it. Oh, really? I'm not one in the clean here.

SPEAKER_04 19:48

Almost gave the father a heart attack because he was in the closet of one of the and he almost gave him a heart attack. But he was doing sisters, best friends, know them knew about it.

SPEAKER_01 19:56

But a laugh. I came out, I came out of the closet. Shut up.

SPEAKER_04 20:02

Well, we know his mom sure did all of his son's friends. What? Oh yeah. His mom? That's disgusting. She openly told this one that she, when the boys would have a party, she'd go out in the driveway and have a party with them in their cars.

SPEAKER_01 20:19

That's probably what she did.

Bathroom Horror Stories And Gross Humor

unknown 20:23

What?

SPEAKER_06 20:24

Give me a trash pan, please.

SPEAKER_01 20:27

Look in the mirror.

SPEAKER_03 20:28

Oh hell. Round one! And it begins. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_01 20:38

Go ahead, Faith.

SPEAKER_03 20:44

Uh-huh. It's just only once. I'm waiting. She's about to just absolutely tear your shit up. Oh crazy.

SPEAKER_06 20:52

He just shit in the mouth and pronounce her.

SPEAKER_01 20:54

I did.

SPEAKER_06 20:55

Censor TikToks. I heard his TikToks.

SPEAKER_01 20:58

Did you hear the plop plop?

SPEAKER_04 20:59

No, thankfully. That's so nasty. Take pictures of their poop.

SPEAKER_01 21:03

Hell yeah.

SPEAKER_04 21:04

That's disgusting. And he said look at this masterpiece. It's a log. It's so big it wouldn't go down the toilet. I have to go get a branch. Did you take pictures of your masterpiece at Chick-fil-A?

SPEAKER_01 21:13

That one, that one that Cody laid. Oh my god, that that joke was like, I swear.

SPEAKER_04 21:18

We took a picture to cut it up because it wouldn't flush that.

SPEAKER_01 21:22

That's a champion.

SPEAKER_04 21:23

That's disgusting.

SPEAKER_01 21:24

You saved that bitch. You tattooed on your arm.

SPEAKER_04 21:26

Ask Michael how he made Chick-fil-A bathroom into a Wendy Frosty song. Did you take a picture of that?

SPEAKER_01 21:32

No, I got the hell out of there.

SPEAKER_06 21:34

My one line.

SPEAKER_01 21:37

I left that bitch in a trash can. I shit all over that wall. I exploded on the back of that toilet.

SPEAKER_04 21:43

So in it wait, what's your still love it for good?

SPEAKER_01 21:47

My underwear was just dripped from that diarrhea. Oh god. I needed it.

SPEAKER_04 21:58

For good. Oh, it's KFC. That's finger looking good. So what taste it you'll live in? Now I've had some finger licking that's some finger paint stuff. Yes, nasty.

SPEAKER_01 22:19

Nasty.

SPEAKER_06 22:20

This floor is really comfy.

SPEAKER_01 22:22

You know, we're supposed to be talking about other stuff than this.

SPEAKER_04 22:26

It's good to have a good laugh. And everybody wants we always talk about you and how you're coming on the show. And he's like, oh god, it's almost time for it to come back again. It's really he always says that. He's like, it's coming again. And I'm like, I always defend you, of course.

SPEAKER_01 22:44

Are you sure we're talking about her?

ADHD Detours And Pride Month

SPEAKER_06 22:49

Texted me when I got at to the airport and you said, Oh, it was a shorty. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 22:56

Oh my god, she's ADHD. Yes, squirrel.

SPEAKER_06 23:00

Medicine. What?

SPEAKER_01 23:04

You can't even finish her sentence.

SPEAKER_06 23:06

Stop! Stop!

SPEAKER_01 23:09

Your excuse.

SPEAKER_06 23:11

There's no excuse for you. That one come on. You've been left alone with us multiple times. I threatened you if you stopped at a yard sale. I was leaving you on the side of the curb and driving home.

SPEAKER_01 23:31

I have to stop at a yard sale. No, yes.

SPEAKER_06 23:34

You did not stop at that yard sale.

SPEAKER_01 23:36

I did too. I stopped right in the freaking driveway.

SPEAKER_06 23:38

You almost got out, but I threatened you and you went back on the road, or else I would have left your ass banned.

SPEAKER_01 23:43

Only because I'm more afraid of my wife than you.

SPEAKER_06 23:47

Well, that's a valid reason.

SPEAKER_04 23:49

Why are you afraid of me?

SPEAKER_06 23:50

She's not lots of things.

SPEAKER_04 23:51

Because you don't leave fingerprints.

SPEAKER_06 23:53

She's a right head.

SPEAKER_04 23:54

I don't leave fingerprints.

SPEAKER_06 23:56

Well, yeah. Who's stupid enough to do that? Don't mess with my camera.

SPEAKER_04 24:01

Stop getting your nasty germs all over it. Oh he's licking my camera and blowing it. Um prepare for tonight. No, you're not. Oh it is.

SPEAKER_01 24:15

This is PG13.

SPEAKER_06 24:16

Pride month. Yeah. Happy Pride Month, y'all. Have a black Pride month. Wait, I gotta draw Michael. Stand still. Oh draw your side profile.

SPEAKER_01 24:38

Just one big circle?

SPEAKER_06 24:40

No. I got this.

SPEAKER_01 24:44

So this is why I need help, y'all.

SPEAKER_06 24:46

Why?

SPEAKER_01 24:46

I need some men to call in and get on our show here.

SPEAKER_06 24:51

You needed help before you met anybody. Looks like a potato.

SPEAKER_01 25:00

I missed the potato now. Don't stick a potato in my butt.

SPEAKER_04 25:04

Don't stick a potato in my butt. Isn't it a burrito? Talking about burritos.

SPEAKER_01 25:10

Here we go. Hello, steamboat Willie.

SPEAKER_04 25:14

Is it enchilada or burrito? Michael!

SPEAKER_01 25:18

What the hell is that? Like somebody wiped her ass. Wow.

SPEAKER_04 25:25

You know, I saw this thing on the toilet seat on a thing on Spen at Spencer's, and it said the word nice cock. And it's like on the toilet seat. You're like, what?

SPEAKER_01 25:36

When were you at Spencer's? It better be a long time ago.

SPEAKER_04 25:42

Oh, it was one of the times when you were in the United Nations.

SPEAKER_06 25:45

It's one it's one of the only places she can actually get pleasure from.

SPEAKER_01 25:54

They really can't hear you.

SPEAKER_06 25:55

Well, darn.

SPEAKER_04 26:01

So what do you love about being here?

SPEAKER_01 26:03

That she gets to leave soon.

SPEAKER_06 26:05

No, I want to stay longer. My mommy said no. Your mommy?

SPEAKER_01 26:12

What are you for?

SPEAKER_06 26:14

Yeah, four years older than your cut that umbilical cord.

SPEAKER_01 26:17

Oh boy. Pop that titty out your mouth. For you, mommy.

SPEAKER_04 26:24

She's gonna draw on you with that sharpie. You know that, right?

SPEAKER_05 26:27

Oh mommy.

SPEAKER_01 26:29

Okay, you're you're my beloved daughter. But she's but this thing over here. What is that?

SPEAKER_04 26:42

Did you drew a penis on your arm?

SPEAKER_01 26:45

You even know what a penis looks like? Okay, let me tell Radio Land out here. It looks like a strawberry with leaves.

SPEAKER_04 26:55

Does not what is that?

SPEAKER_01 26:58

Okay, now you're making the what the hell is that? You obviously haven't seen penises before.

SPEAKER_06 27:10

Unfortunately, I have. Let's just say school. There gets a lot of photos that are out of people.

SPEAKER_00 27:18

Oh the shit I have to deal with.

SPEAKER_01 27:25

The shit I have to deal with.

SPEAKER_05 27:31

Are you making coffee for them? No.

SPEAKER_06 27:34

You haven't made the awesome coffee for Carl? You haven't made me coffee. Next mott and then the coffee mum.

SPEAKER_01 27:42

Because we got rid of the espresso machine.

SPEAKER_06 27:44

So I have cappuccino.

SPEAKER_01 27:46

Which she liked.

SPEAKER_06 27:48

She likes the cappuccino too. I just chugged the espresso. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:52

And then with she really did.

SPEAKER_06 27:54

I did.

SPEAKER_01 27:55

After eight spoonfuls of sugar.

SPEAKER_06 27:58

Have some medicine, go down.

SPEAKER_01 28:00

You say my coffee's nasty?

SPEAKER_06 28:01

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 28:04

Don't drink it. I don't.

SPEAKER_06 28:09

Nobody seems like.

SPEAKER_01 28:12

Yes, really. I don't wait.

SPEAKER_06 28:14

Holy cook off? I don't want to find. I felt a coffee cup full line up from a coca.

SPEAKER_01 28:24

Oh, I fell asleep.

SPEAKER_06 28:25

Exactly. I'm not asleep. I don't go on a coffee.

SPEAKER_01 28:31

I do have a medical condition.

SPEAKER_06 28:32

Is it called bullshit?

SPEAKER_04 28:35

No.

SPEAKER_01 28:36

Does this gunshot wound look like bullshit?

SPEAKER_04 28:38

Oh my god, are you comparing that tiny graze that didn't break the skin to me being one armed?

SPEAKER_01 28:44

God, it's getting smaller.

SPEAKER_04 28:46

That's what she said.

SPEAKER_06 28:48

My whole fuel not have FNS. Okay. No one not.

SPEAKER_01 28:57

Hey, no, no. There is a sleep apnea machine beside my bed.

SPEAKER_06 29:02

Is there really?

SPEAKER_01 29:03

Yes, I do have sleep apnea.

SPEAKER_06 29:05

I don't know. Are we surprised?

SPEAKER_05 29:10

That thing, what my pen pick before?

SPEAKER_01 29:13

It bugs me to have something over my mouth with a long tube.

SPEAKER_06 29:18

Really? That's my license long.

SPEAKER_01 29:25

I do.

SPEAKER_03 29:29

You have a long one.

SPEAKER_01 29:32

Wow. Time out.

SPEAKER_06 29:37

Uh-huh. No, I'm not learning this one.

SPEAKER_04 29:39

So explain the difference between me and Michael.

SPEAKER_06 29:43

Like shit. Trolley's person. There's a flash. Beautiful, awesome kind of hilarious. Especially awesome. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:02

Lazy.

SPEAKER_06 30:02

Yep, I am.

SPEAKER_01 30:03

Lazy.

SPEAKER_06 30:04

Your only to-do list is five years old. I was doing I was working in this house and I don't live here. I was working in this house and doing things that you should have already done. Didn't he say he was putting the nails into the baseboard like hours and hours and hours?

SPEAKER_01 30:20

That's what Alpha I am. That shit just worked for me.

SPEAKER_06 30:23

You can't even nail anything in right.

SPEAKER_01 30:25

Oh, I can nail it all right.

SPEAKER_06 30:26

You missed the hole.

SPEAKER_01 30:27

That's what she said.

SPEAKER_04 30:29

How did she say if she doesn't speak English?

SPEAKER_01 30:32

Aye, my eye. No, she really said my eye. Aye, my eye.

SPEAKER_04 30:47

That's disgusting.

SPEAKER_03 30:49

So nasty.

SPEAKER_04 30:52

That is so nasty.

SPEAKER_03 30:54

Who's the workaholic? Oh Victoria.

SPEAKER_06 30:58

There. Why won't it stick to your head?

SPEAKER_01 31:03

You're underage, so I'm not gonna answer that.

SPEAKER_04 31:06

Really? She's so mature for her age and she's knocking on the door of it anyway.

SPEAKER_06 31:13

Do you knock on doors when you enter a room?

SPEAKER_04 31:15

No, I've stopped.

SPEAKER_01 31:17

Especially the back door. I just come right in.

SPEAKER_03 31:26

Last time I'll knock them.

SPEAKER_01 31:30

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 31:32

What? I missed that. Oh that's what I'll fail it.

SPEAKER_01 31:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 31:37

No nudity involved.

SPEAKER_06 31:39

That's disgusting.

SPEAKER_01 31:41

You got a skeeter around your head.

SPEAKER_06 31:44

A what?

SPEAKER_01 31:45

A skeeter.

SPEAKER_06 31:48

Skeeter. What the hell is a skeeter? Move glue. Skeeter. Skeeter boy. See you later, boy.

SPEAKER_04 31:56

What song do you think is perfect? What should be his same song? Well.

SPEAKER_06 32:07

Dumb and double. That's a movie.

Theme Songs For Everyone And Alexa Chaos

SPEAKER_06 32:10

I know. There's a song, it's highly inappropriate. Bow down to the one you serve? No, it's called Slut Me Out.

SPEAKER_01 32:18

Slut Me Out.

SPEAKER_06 32:20

Oh my whistle by Flow Rider.

SPEAKER_03 32:25

Whistle by Flowrider? Uh really?

SPEAKER_01 32:31

You want me to teach to you tonight?

SPEAKER_04 32:34

Alexa, play whistle by slow rider.

SPEAKER_01 32:37

Flow.

SPEAKER_04 32:38

Flow rider.

SPEAKER_01 32:40

Whistle by Flow Rider on Amazon Music. No.

SPEAKER_06 32:49

No, I know.

SPEAKER_01 32:50

You don't need to hear the expression.

SPEAKER_06 32:52

Stop. We're so baby. No. Alexa, stop! Stop! Alexa, stop! Are you kidding? That's a good song! That it describes him perfectly. But my song is highly inappropriate. What is it? Slot me out.

SPEAKER_04 33:20

What's hers?

SPEAKER_03 33:23

No, what is her song? You could for her. What song would you give me, Your Highness? Tell me. I have all my music now. What song would you give me?

SPEAKER_01 33:41

What's that one that says uh this girl's on fire?

SPEAKER_03 33:45

Fire clubs. You're in my daughter's eyes.

SPEAKER_06 33:50

Beautiful thanks, Bible.

SPEAKER_03 33:53

Beautiful thanks.

SPEAKER_06 33:55

Yeah. I mean technically it's a lot song, but works. I'd have to hear it.

SPEAKER_03 34:03

What do you give her?

unknown 34:06

What?

SPEAKER_06 34:06

What's a seven? What do you give Abby? Oh her.

SPEAKER_01 34:09

Oh now I need one for So while everyone here on this podcast is on their cell phone.

SPEAKER_06 34:18

Okay. I'm looking up a good song to describe your wife who is advising. So it's how about ass texting you. I'm about ass. Everybody is somebody's it was his phone that went off.

SPEAKER_01 34:31

All three of you have your phones out.

SPEAKER_06 34:33

Yes, because I'm trying. Oh, this one's perfect for room for two.

SPEAKER_01 34:40

Oh, she said.

SPEAKER_06 34:40

Well Admin, it'll be back my girl by the phone.

SPEAKER_04 34:49

There are so many songs. So what song you give me?

SPEAKER_01 34:52

Something about fire. This girl's on fire. Because you are fire. You're on fire.

SPEAKER_04 34:56

I have to be Alicia Keys.

SPEAKER_01 34:57

I don't know. No clue.

SPEAKER_06 34:59

Alicia Keys does. This girl is on fire. I know, but that's why. You could do so much better. There's so many better songs that describe her. Like crickets.

Website Plug And One More Roast Round

SPEAKER_01 35:15

So as I was saying, while y'all hear this downtime, y'all hop over to contagious smile.com and look at everything that Victoria's been doing.

SPEAKER_06 35:24

Which is a lot more than you.

SPEAKER_01 35:26

A tremendous amount.

SPEAKER_06 35:28

Yeah, because you don't do anything.

SPEAKER_01 35:30

I try not to.

SPEAKER_06 35:32

We know. You avoid everything. Not everything. He tries not to avoid his dick.

SPEAKER_01 35:40

Wow. Stop talking about my dick.

SPEAKER_06 35:52

Well, stop bringing.

SPEAKER_01 35:54

That's what she said.

SPEAKER_06 35:57

That wasn't funny.

SPEAKER_04 36:01

That wasn't funny.

SPEAKER_01 36:03

Oh my god, y'all.

SPEAKER_04 36:04

Hey, I should put a trigger on this one. Wow. What? You're the bad influence. You're the bad influence. You have perfect opportunity and you missed it. What's the food he would be? What food would he be? Oh no.

SPEAKER_03 36:38

Oh, well, I'm not exactly.

SPEAKER_04 36:42

Because he wants a wiener in his butt.

SPEAKER_01 36:45

Really?

SPEAKER_04 36:46

It's another month. If he listens to this episode, he did have his first dream about you.

SPEAKER_01 36:55

Uh-uh. Yes, he did. No.

SPEAKER_04 36:57

Yes, he did. It was wet, cold, or wet.

SPEAKER_01 36:59

Your your new guest coming on.

SPEAKER_04 37:01

Oh, no. No.

SPEAKER_01 37:03

He listened to this episode. He's gonna run.

SPEAKER_04 37:05

It's not because it shows how much fun we have and that we totally support the LGBTQ community because we have family members in it. I have tons of friends in it. And I don't care who you're with as long as they treat you right. And everybody knows that about me.

SPEAKER_06 37:18

So exactly.

SPEAKER_04 37:22

Hey, and I've even had your brother-in-law, you know, think about you in intimate ways.

SPEAKER_01 37:29

Nice. Real nice.

SPEAKER_04 37:31

Just saying. Who?

unknown 37:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:36

Yep. Real nice.

SPEAKER_03 37:40

What?

SPEAKER_04 37:40

That's so squirts. What food is everybody else?

SPEAKER_01 37:45

Squirts?

SPEAKER_04 37:46

Well, squirts? Squirt all over Chick-fil-A toilet room?

SPEAKER_01 37:51

No, that was an explosion. That was natural.

SPEAKER_04 37:55

So we're shopping yesterday.

Shopping Finds And The Donkey Portrait

SPEAKER_04 37:57

We're going around doing a little walking or whatever, and we came across a self-portrait of my husband.

SPEAKER_06 38:02

Right now, I didn't even know what you didn't even know you like actually could sit long enough to get your it was a donkey, wasn't it? We purchased it and it she showed it to you. I'm gonna hang it up now. Right next to your door.

SPEAKER_01 38:16

The dog?

SPEAKER_06 38:17

No. No, it's the beaver thing that has no nuts.

SPEAKER_01 38:22

The beaver thing. I've never seen a beaver with nuts. You talking about the squirrel?

SPEAKER_06 38:28

Sure. Well, it looked like you s well Kongman.

SPEAKER_01 38:37

No.

SPEAKER_06 38:38

We noticed that as well.

SPEAKER_04 38:40

And then every time we go by and see someone around, you know, 18 to 25, they were like, is he his? Is that his? Is that his? Is that his? Is that his?

SPEAKER_06 38:51

We did see a lot of donkeys too, though. I didn't I did show her one. It said, oh, I don't remember what it said. It was like, oh crap, it was this is how I show my ass in the morning. No, this is how I woke up. Oh yeah, I wake up this way. And it was a donkey.

SPEAKER_01 39:07

I'm sexy and I know it. No.

SPEAKER_06 39:10

No.

SPEAKER_01 39:11

Oh, that's how I wake up.

SPEAKER_04 39:13

Oh no. Yeah. Can you give me the gangdom style?

SPEAKER_01 39:18

No. Gingdom?

SPEAKER_06 39:19

Gingdom style.

SPEAKER_01 39:20

Gingdom?

SPEAKER_06 39:21

You don't know gangdom style?

unknown 39:25

Gasp.

SPEAKER_02 39:26

Yes, you do. You know the gangdom style.

SPEAKER_01 39:29

Did you literally say the word gasp?

SPEAKER_02 39:32

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 39:33

Literally? Verbally?

SPEAKER_02 39:36

Gingdom style. Emotionally?

SPEAKER_04 39:39

Spiritually? Psychologically. No. Sexually? Oh god, what's on her brain?

SPEAKER_01 39:44

I can give you two words.

SPEAKER_04 39:48

Is this gonna be out loud?

SPEAKER_01 39:50

No. Let's guess it.

SPEAKER_04 39:53

Brilliantly beautiful.

SPEAKER_01 39:55

Pretty damn close.

SPEAKER_06 39:56

No, not at all. It's not what he's thinking. No, I don't.

SPEAKER_01 40:01

That's so cool. Are y'all done with me? No.

SPEAKER_04 40:11

You still have a movie to finish with then that you didn't finish last night because the inside of your eyelids had to meet with you again.

SPEAKER_06 40:16

I even said I had to pull Michael and go to bed early. Because it was like one in the morning.

SPEAKER_01 40:25

It was very early for her.

SPEAKER_06 40:27

Okay, no. She didn't go to bed at that time.

SPEAKER_01 40:30

No, she never does.

SPEAKER_06 40:31

Of course not.

SPEAKER_01 40:32

She probably 2 30, 3 o'clock.

SPEAKER_06 40:35

No, not food. It was only we only 257. She only went to bed at like 5 30 one night. But that's okay. 5 30. 5 30. Oh, fluent alpha fluid. It was great. I know. Pretty sure. You call me an annoyance like five times that

Waxing Requests Dog Bath And Goodbye

SPEAKER_06 41:00

day.

SPEAKER_01 41:00

Hey, can we wax your back? Absolutely not.

SPEAKER_06 41:03

Oh no! No. See the last time I did. Yeah, I put wax strips on your arms. I love it. No, I put them on your back. That's what it was. And then I stuck them to your arms while you were sleeping. Can we please?

SPEAKER_01 41:17

No.

SPEAKER_06 41:17

Please? Are you gonna wash the dogs?

SPEAKER_01 41:19

Yes.

SPEAKER_06 41:20

Wait. Really?

SPEAKER_01 41:21

Yes.

SPEAKER_06 41:21

Wait.

SPEAKER_01 41:22

Is it gonna rain tomorrow?

SPEAKER_06 41:23

Yes. Shouldn't have said that. They have poop on their head. There is mud on my sweatshirt. You said we're gonna bat.

SPEAKER_01 41:34

So thank y'all for listening. I've gotta go wash the dog.

SPEAKER_06 41:39

Really? Are you sure you're not gonna just go wash your own dogs? What's wrong with my toes? They're nasty.

SPEAKER_01 41:48

They're not nasty.

SPEAKER_06 41:50

I've been taking a shower since last Thursday.

SPEAKER_01 41:53

And what's today?

SPEAKER_06 41:55

Not Thursday. Sunday.

SPEAKER_01 41:57

Sunday. That's only a few days.

SPEAKER_04 42:00

I would not allow him in my bed if he hadn't showers.

SPEAKER_01 42:03

Your bed.

SPEAKER_04 42:04

Do you have the receipt for payment of it?

SPEAKER_01 42:07

What? She makes the money. She she makes rules. Is that it? No. Help! I'll see what I gotta deal with.

SPEAKER_06 42:19

Um, you chose that. Fine, not helpful. I did choose that. Yep. Deal with it. Suffer. Lay in that bed.

SPEAKER_01 42:28

You have no idea what I chose.

SPEAKER_06 42:30

Um what did you choose? To stop putting a stick in things?

SPEAKER_01 42:34

That's true. What did you choose? And will you stop talking about my penis?

SPEAKER_03 42:42

Well, what did you choose? Really? What did you choose?

SPEAKER_01 42:46

I chose happiness. Over I chose life. Yes.

SPEAKER_06 42:50

I think she's suffering right now.

SPEAKER_01 42:54

Well, being around you.

SPEAKER_06 42:56

You keep calling me an it! You look like a smurf.

SPEAKER_01 43:04

Which one? The ugly one. Am I pretty like smurfett?

SPEAKER_04 43:08

No. No, you're Gargamel.

SPEAKER_01 43:11

Gargamel's not a smurf.

SPEAKER_04 43:13

He's on the Smurfs.

SPEAKER_01 43:15

He would like to be on Smurfs.

SPEAKER_04 43:16

He's Smurfett.

SPEAKER_01 43:19

He did.

SPEAKER_06 43:20

He did. You're with her father.

SPEAKER_01 43:29

You're an idiot. Did you just snort? Yes. Why do you laugh at your nostrils? That's why I call you an idiot.

SPEAKER_06 43:48

Wow. That makes no sense. Congratulations. You just don't have the capacity for me.

SPEAKER_04 43:55

We are going to do another episode before she goes back. Even yes, because this is just amazing.

SPEAKER_01 44:01

Hopefully she'll be cultured by then. Right now she'll sold uncultured.

SPEAKER_06 44:07

Uncultured?

SPEAKER_01 44:08

You are uncultured.

SPEAKER_06 44:09

Uncultured.

SPEAKER_01 44:10

Uncul do I need to spell it?

SPEAKER_06 44:13

Can you even spell it?

SPEAKER_01 44:14

Yes, I think. Ooh, gotcha, bitch.

SPEAKER_06 44:20

Spell uncultured.

SPEAKER_01 44:22

Yes.

SPEAKER_06 44:23

Spell uncultured.

SPEAKER_01 44:25

Yes.

SPEAKER_06 44:26

Spell uncultured.

SPEAKER_01 44:27

Yes.

SPEAKER_06 44:28

Can you spell uncultured?

SPEAKER_01 44:30

No.

SPEAKER_06 44:30

We know this because you keep saying yes. Uncultured.

SPEAKER_01 44:44

That's it. That's it for me.

SPEAKER_06 44:46

Well take a snap, I brought us in. Do you know when somebody drops a croissant? What do you say?

SPEAKER_01 44:52

Three-second rule? What? Unless it goes up then you have to go up to five-second rule.

SPEAKER_06 45:00

Do you even know what vines are?

SPEAKER_01 45:02

Vines?

SPEAKER_06 45:03

Vines.

SPEAKER_01 45:03

Yes, I know what vines are. We swang on them.

SPEAKER_06 45:06

Swang?

SPEAKER_01 45:07

Yes. Past tense. We used to swing at them. The Appalachian Mountains. Unculture.

SPEAKER_06 45:20

I'm showing you the compilation of vines.

SPEAKER_01 45:22

You don't show me anything.

SPEAKER_06 45:24

Yeah, because you don't have the brain capacity to hold anything in your head. What's up?

SPEAKER_02 45:31

I brought us in, you get to dig us out.

SPEAKER_01 45:34

Thank y'all for listening to this boring boring episode.

SPEAKER_06 45:39

What?

SPEAKER_01 45:40

I'm sorry y'all had to deal with all this estrogen.

SPEAKER_06 45:43

Estrogen. You terrestrial things.

SPEAKER_01 45:47

And cousin it over here. That's your name, cousin it.

SPEAKER_06 45:53

That's my dog.

SPEAKER_01 45:54

You named your dog after you? Wow. You are so selfish. No uncultured. Thank y'all for listening. So a contagious smile. Yeah. Unstoppable owl. Bye y'all.